The Bachelor Episode 5- Everyone Needs Some Xanax

Wednesday, February 3, 2016

Welcome dear readers to my recap of The Olivia Show!

Special guest stars:
Emily the Emotional
Jubilee the Not-So-Jolly
Amanda the Anxious

Shall we get started?

Ben and his harem are off to Mexico!

Or is it Mexi-hoe?

Such a burning question.

**disclaimer- as usual, my recap is snarky and meant to be fun. Any bad joke I make, especially about Mexico, is not in any way an insult to the country or their culture. Honestly.**

Speaking of culture, Ben gives us all a great Cliffs Notes version of Mexico.. great culture, lots of history, all that jazz...

The girls are in their usual high-pitched state of excitement about everything... the flight, the barf bags, the shuttles, the seat belts, the hotel...


Emily is ON HER OWN now. Growing and learning and exploring like a big girl without her sissy. 


(any mother of a 2-5 year old will get that)

The girls check out their sweet hotel suite (by the way, English is weird. Sweet suite? Really?) and their suite has a bidet!! 

Because producers must care about the hygiene of those lady-bits. 

Olivia has one at home and lays claim over the one in their suite. I think she's receiving secret messages from Ben through it! Guys, this all makes SO MUCH SENSE NOW! No wonder she's fallen in love with Ben. He's giving her validation through the potty fountain!


Just to get the girls' minds immediately whirling.. a date card arrives as soon as they get there! Olivia feels so sure that it's for her...

But alas, it is for sweet Single Momma Amanda. 

It's cool, it's cool.. Olivia is cool with it.

Although she is extremely befuddled as to why Ben would want to get with that... being that Amanda has KIDS and all. I mean, gross.

I feel like I should share some stories with Olivia.. just to make her squirm a bit... I can call them "Tales Of Pooping On the Table"... and it will be great fun. She'll love 'em!!

Ben (that rascal!!) arrives at 4am to wake up the girls and snag Amanda for their date!

And Lauren H confirms that I made a good decision long ago to stop wearing my retainer at night.

You know, just in case some dashing young fellow needs to jostle me from my slumber.

Amanda (not pre-warned by the producers at all) sparkled awake with perfect beachy waves and cat-eye makeup and left for her date with our Dashing Young Fellow.

They get to take a hot air balloon trip over some ruins and Amanda is all twitterpated and nervous and flicking her hair and talking about how she's nervous and Ben makes her nervous, but this is amazing and OMG she can't believe this is her life... but she's nervous. 


It's episode FIVE ladies. You've all had your tongue down his throat and your legs pretzeled up with his. Can we PLEASE get over the "nervous" thing and talk about something else???

After the hot air balloon, they have a little picnic and (shocker) talk about her being nervous again. 

Someone get the girl a damn Xanax and let's move on.

Ah.. that's why she's nervous!


Back at the sweet suite (sorry, I had to) the girls get another date card that says (in the spirit of Mexico) "Como se dice?"

Jubilee is not feeling this group-dating-thing anymore and clearly is thrilled to be included on the group date.

Lauren H was the lucky one that didn't get her name called on the group date... meaning...she get's the other 1-on-1 date! 

She starts spinning and squealing and I think laid an egg.


Back at Boring Date Land... Amanda and Ben have dinner and they have their customary "serious talk..."

Ben tells Amanda that he loves how she's always smiling and she gets all "oh gosh, REALLY???" on him...

Amanda clearly brushed up on her Bachelor rules before coming on the show, because she reported her sob story with the perfect blend of "woe is me" and "I am a warrior of survival" and gets Ben's rose.

Future contestants take note: date an asshole, make sure he's texting other chicks, find those texts, have a kid with him, and cue up the tears as you tell the Bachelor about how your broken heart is slowly healing. 

Oh, and throw in how much you appreciate him appreciating your appreciation. 


The next day Ben greets his flock with jubilant excitement for their merry-making ahead...

Emily doesn't care about what they're going to do because Ben is hot and she's traveling! She's out of the country!

To help clear up aforementioned confusion, Ben decides to announce to the girls that they are Mexico City! 


Everyone is off to Spanish class to learn some basic phrases... and the reality of the situation suddenly hits Emily...


A jolly little Mexican teacher starts drilling the class and making them roll their "R's" (I'd fail miserably, I can't for the life of me...) and warm up their mouths with different phrases.


And then just since this show is SO NORMAL each girl has to go up and talk romantic Spanish stuff with Ben. 

Caila, our Displaced Disney Princess promises to show Ben the world...

When it's Jubilee's turn with Ben, he says he's "te amo" and she's like "uh-nuh dude, you've said that to four other girls... I know what you're playing at"

And of course causes an uproar among the ladies because WHY would she say that?? 

Why isn't she GRATEFUL for Ben's attention, damn it? BLESSED to be there and date him with a dozen other women????


To the surprise of no one, the Bidet told Olivia that Ben would give her some signs in Spanish class. He like, enunciated SO much more with her than the other girls. 

Did they all not hear that?

He SAID those things to her!


After Spanish class, the girls have to go down into a marketplace for the next part of their date. 

JoJo is super impressed with the place. It's like, a market. With food, and people, and you buy food there.


The girls are told they need to pair up, go buy ingredients in the marketplace using Spanish, and then make a traditional Mexican dish.

Emily doesn't cook and fears there is trouble a-brewing with her mastering this challenge.

Nothing more traditional than a Crunch Wrap Supreme.

Am I right, or am I right?

Since there are 9 girls, naturally (not thought out by the producers and engineered this way at all) one of the girls has to pair with Ben. 

I'll give 1 million dollars to the person who was genuinely shocked Olivia got to be his partner.

Ben, meet your Ball-n-Chain....

Jubilee is ticked because SHE wanted to be with Ben and she and Olivia had to square off a bit and have a spat over who got to end up being his partner.

Our lovely couple meandered around the Mexican market... seductively feeding each other crickets and washing it all down with some tequila.

Careful Benny Boo Boo.. you remember the song Tequila Makes Her Clothes Come Off right??


Back at the hotel, Lauren is eagerly awaiting the knock at the door and cannot FATHOM what might be waiting for her!

Honey, I hate to burst your bubble but my guess will be a vaguely described date card about a date that Ben had no participation in planning.


Regardless, when the date card comes, Lauren is just tittering with excitement and anticipation of sniffing Ben all day long.

Back at The Bachelor-Chopped Edition (Food Network fans will get that) the teams are a-cooking and Cailia, our Displaced Disney Princess, has a little something-something up her ball gown sleeve....

Let's fast forward through all the food-tasting (yawn)... Jubilee and Lauren B win!!!! Well, they win, technically, but get nothing for it. I'd be pissed if I were them.


The cocktail portion of the date comes around and Jubilee has plans to beat Olivia to the punch and steal Ben first.. but lo and behold... Olivia cuts him off mid-sentence (again) to steal him away for a bit (again) and stick her face really close to him while grinning like a Cheshire Cat (again).


The other girls are sitting and waiting and drinking and waiting (I've heard they wait HOURS for their turn) and Ben adds to that tedium by taking Lauren B out in the city for a little jaunt and some making out.

The above picture caption came courtesy my husband.. who observed that they were just kissing and swaying, swaying and kissing... 

Finally Ben dis-attaches himself from Lauren B's mouth and tries to talk to Jubilee and she's just having none of the hand-holding business he tried to pull. 

They semi-argue about how she feels out of place in the group, how she feels like he's forgotten her, how she's pulling away from him, and if they still had a connection.

Ben tells Jubilee he doesn't think it's best to move forward with their relationship, and walks her out as she breaks down and deems herself the most unloveable person in the world.

Ok quick sidenote... Neal pipes up with "that's where her mind goes? She gets rejected on a dumb dating show and immediately she thinks she's unloveable? So he likes the other girls better, that doesn't mean she's unloveable." 

Guys, my hubby is a FEMINIST and thinks it's dumb these girls wrap up their self worth in this show and weird process of "dating."


Ben rejoins the group and begins what sounds like a eulogy for Jubilee... 

"From the moment I met her... she was special..."

But is interrupted (can't the man finish a damn sentence????) by JoJo who wants to steal him away and tell him he's so noble, and knows he's hurting SO HARD but she ADMIRES him and wants to make it ALL BETTER


And just to f*** with all the girls a little bit more.. the night ends with Ben giving OLIVIA the Group Date rose for the day!

Must have had one too many shots of Jose Cuervo.

The next day is Lauren H's date and they go to a Mexican fashion house and meet the designer and try on all sorts of wacky things!


While back at the suite, Emily is Captain of Team I Hate Olivia and is complaining to Who Is This Person? (aka-Jennifer) about how could Ben even LIKE Olivia?

Which I don't get. I mean, she's so normal. Who wouldn't fall in mad, deep love with her?


Back at the date, Ben and Lauren H discover it's Mexico's Fashion Week (NO WAY!!!) and they are going to get to walk in the show (SHUT THE FRONT DOOR)!!!!


Lauren talks nervously backstage with the models about how long they've been modeling and she titters that she's only done it for 1 day! 

But, the music pumps, Ben gives her a kiss and a booty slap for good luck... and girlfriend WERKS IT!!!

The totally-profesh-models-now enjoy letting their dinner get cold after the fashion show and Lauren H opens up about her past relationship... and how it lasted 4 years, she moved for him, then found out he was cheating.

Ben was looking forward to knowing Lauren H more because she was a slow burn for him and he needed to know if they could be more than friends. 

All her talk about overcoming her heartbreak and becoming stronger and wiser and choosing to be happy got Benny Boy all kinds of excited.

Ben sees more than just a friend in Lauren H and gives her a rose, then they do some kissing-and-swaying down the streets of Mexico.

The next night is the Rose Ceremony cocktail party and Olivia is BACK (from where? Outer Space?) and isn't going ANYWHERE (until Ben issues that restraining order after the season) and everyone is just thrilled she gets to stick around longer....

The girls get their time with Ben and although I like Lauren B... I was annoyed with her conversation with Ben.

What did that even mean???

And can we get over everyone being TERRIFIED of falling for him already?? 

You know what is terrifying??? 

The Zika virus.
Nuclear weapons.

Falling for a guy who probably likes you back??


Lauren B needs to steal some Xanax from Nervous Amanda and just move on already.

Olivia was in full swing and commented on Amanda talking about sharing custody of her kids by saying it was like an episode of Teen Mom she saw once....

Good thing her mouth is so big... she's gonna need to insert her WHOLE foot in there, because Mama Bear Nervous Amanda was not pleased one bit with that comment. 

She started firing back at Olivia and Olivia tried to furiously back pedal... all while Lauren B was just hanging out... having a nice time... enjoying the view....

She should have switched seats with Becca.

Emily, the Captain of the Team I Hate Olivia, enjoyed the evening's festivities...

Olivia whips up some tears and somewhat kind of apologizes and says she's going to try harder from now on with the girls.

Emily seizes on the mood of the group and decides that Ben DESERVES to know the real Olivia and hunts him down to tell him how Olivia has been a bully to everyone in the house.

Em... honey... I've watched enough seasons to know that the girl who decides to be The Truth Teller Snitch always gets the boot and is sent home. 


Olivia dried her tears and seemed quite un-phased with all that went down.

Emily still can't believe that Ben would like a girl like Olivia... I mean, she's so mean to all the girls and then so sweet to Ben... how could he be so blind???

She makes an emergency call to the 1-800-911-TWIN hotline to share her grief....


Ben interrupts the Rose Ceremony to (GASP) pull Olivia away!!!

Could he be taking her rose back?? Is he being the rebel of all Bachelors and BREAKING THE RULES????


We were left with quite literally, a cliff-hanger ending...

Oh my gosh. SO stressful. How are we going to wait until next Monday???

Let's hope The Olivia Show is soon canceled, that extra large prescription of Xanax is filled and we can move on to the falling in love.. because this so like REAL LIFE. 


That's all folks! 

If you need to catch up, here are my past recaps:

What do you think?? Will Ben play takesy-backseys with Olivia's rose??


  1. Seriously, I needed some Xanex myself with all the drama! Olivia is so self absorbed-it's become comical how one can be so into herself! In the meantime I'll patiently wait for next Mondays episode to see what happens [and by patiently wait, I mean nail biting intense Xanex needing viewer]. #GoodPloyBachelor
    Kate :: A Little NW Charm

  2. Oh man, your commentary and the speech bubbles get me EVERY time! I love the "Im gonna love it and hug it and call it George!" love the reference there! :)
    Thanks for a good laugh today!

  3. I love reading your recaps. So good. Olivia annoys me so much. Get OFF MY TV! But I always enjoy reading your recaps.

  4. I have not really been watching this season but I tuned in on Monday.. WTF is happening with Olivia. Could not believe the Teen Mom comment!!!

  5. This is the best recap. I was laughing out loud! I could not BELIEVE when Olivia said that about Teen Mom! She is nuts! I can't wait to see if he takes her rose back!

  6. Your thought bubbles are seriously hilarious! I don't watch the Bachelor but now I feel like I know everything that's going on!

  7. I bet she stays - and I kind of hope so. I'm not done with the crazy trained named Olivia quite yet. We lost Jubilee, Lace, and possibly Olivia?? No. Lemme have at least one crazy.

  8. I'm so freaking glad Jubilee is gone. She has a good heart, but man is that girl depressing! I never understood the initial so-called connection Ben had with her. Just didn't get it. Lauren H- oh my goodness. She annoys the crap out of me for some reason. Their date was dumb, her reactions were dumb and I was just irritated watching the whole thing. And is it just me or does anyone else hear Emily Maynard's voice every time Amanda opens her mouth?! I know ABC has to edit the hours and hours of footage and that they have to focus on the drama for ratings, but I was so disappointed this week in that there was very little focus on any of the normal girls. Jojo, Caila, Lauren B... I know they were there, but I think Ben has the best connections with those girls and aside from a smooch or two, it was really the Olivia Hour. Again.

  9. P.S. The thought bubble with Emily tattling on Olivia ("then she gave me a wedgie and called me a stupid-head") is about the most hilariously accurate thing you could have said! Bahahahahaha!

  10. Love this!!! I'm glad jubilee is gone. She was annoying. And Olivia is crazy. I was dying when the other girls were commenting about her breath and Ben taking her to go taste some mint.

  11. This is hilarious, as always. I don't even know what to say about Olivia. When she was standing there on the beach in the rain -- pathetic.


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