The Bachelorette Ep. 9- It's "Ben" Fun...

Monday, August 1, 2016

In case you missed the big message this week, lemme fill ya in...

-This was the week Ben told JoJo he loved her last season. 
-This was the week JoJo told Ben she loved him. 
-This was the week Ben fell in love. 
-This was the week Ben broke her heart. 
-Ben Ben Ben Ben...

If I had known how often JoJo was going to bring up her "ex" Ben, I would have made a drinking game out of it. Sheesh. Get over it, JoJo!

Anyways... this was a cliffhanger week so we pick up at the Rose Ceremony and the always solemn Chris Harrison perfectly playing the part of Captain Obvious...


And I'm not just talking about the pain of the wax itself...

Even though Luke finally gave into the producers prodding and pulled JoJo aside to tell her he does indeed love her... it was alas, too little too late. 

JoJo thought their relationship was getting stronger, but made her decision to dump him because she just didn't know where he stood...


JoJo has a major #FirstWorldProblem meltdown because THE WORLD IS COMING TO AN END help me GAWD but this is just the WORST thing EVUUUUURRRRRR....


Luke rides off into the sunset, possibly to be reunited with that unicorn he rode in on night one.. with only a dream in his heart that he'll someday find love....

Hey, stranger things have happened... maybe Becca will come back for a third season! Third time's a charm, after all...

The next day JoJo and her Herd are in Thailand and she's all yippee-skippee! Here's to love and adventure and kissing and my journey... and wha??? Is she sad about dumping who???

That was one quick turnaround, that's for sure... sobbing in a gown on a tarmac one minute... ready to shove her tongue down some throats the next. 

The heart sure does work in mysterious ways. 

Well while Luke is home sobbing and eating pint after pint of ice cream while listening to Celine Dion.... JoJo's date with Robby begins! 

He is STOKED because they are so passionate and intimate together.... doing stuff, you know, that you do when you are all intimate and shizz.


They walk through a Thai market and get Thai massages and talk about how awesome they are. How great it was they had their first "spat" during hometowns and how JoJo just looked past all his red flags about his ex... because that means they are honest with each other.. and that they have legit HONESTY. 


JoJo kept going on and on about how Robby makes her feel so safe, and she loves so much about him, and yada yada yada.... blah. Their chemistry is about as hot as Jasmine and Jafar's. 

Austin has been way obsessed with Aladdin lately so I've only seen the movie about a trillion times and that's basically all I can think about. 

Anyways... back to business. 

The night portion of the date comes around it's the same old song and dance we've had from JoJo for the past several weeks. She's falling in love but has CONCERNS. She has QUESTIONS. She has an OBLIGATION to make dramatic TV so she makes some stuff up..... 

She asks Robby what his family thought of her and he was like "LOL girl, you cray. Like they wouldn't just LURVE you... like, duh."

To prove to her than he means business with this whole "pretend to love you and get famous" gig he's got going on, he presents her with a note his "Dad" slipped in his pocket.... (Announcement- in tonight's episode, the part of "Dad" will be played by "ABC Intern Told To Make Good TV". Enjoy the show). 

Oh Robby... we see through your "Plan" like a kids sees through your attempt to hide Oreos from them...

They spend the night and do the things and the next morning JoJo is all a-twitter about the things and can just imagine waking up to Robby in all his gleaming glory every morning. But alas... she must be off to diddle with her next man...but not before she claims that she is in TROUBLE...


Jordan is all ready for some JoJo time because he knows how HE feels, he's in love... but... he needs to get a leetle better feel for her. *nudge nudge wink wink*

The cuppage of various parts of JoJo's body will have to wait though, because first they are off to hike a mountain! In the sweltering jungle heat. While wearing skintight clothes... So they just hang on each other and both lie about the "amazing" hike and say it was like totes the best experience EVER...


Up at the top of their hike they go into a cave that has a sacred temple inside... and find out they can't kiss while they are there, or the wrath of the gods will be upon them.. No worries though, because JoJo was like "LOL. No kissing? Good thing cuz we need to connect, like, emotionally. Not just at the genitals"


They chat in the cave and Jordan said hometowns were SO awesome, and her meeting his family was the last box he needed to check to fully get on the JoJo train....

Sorry you didn't get to check that final box, JoJo... we all know who we can *ahem* thank for that missed connection... #ThanksForNuthinAaron

JoJo still has concerns though, like if Jordan is really ready to commit to the "forever" aspect of their relationship... and worries if he is *gasp! clutch the pearls!* TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE????... which America answered her question with a resounding "HELL YES HE IS" but sadly I don't think she heard any of us. 

JoJo asks Jordan what the next year looks like for him. I mean, what's his plan? Where's he gonna live? What's he gonna do? And he basically just LOL'd, petted her head, told her "good dog" and she went on licking his hand affectionately..


Nealism: Wow. The more I see him, the more smarmy he becomes. 

Jordan doesn't know what the next year of his life will bring because.... FAME. Fame is yet to be had from this whole show thing, and who wants to tie themselves down?? I mean really. 

JoJo is concerned they will get out in the real world and discover they have huge differences...


JoJo persists though, and makes Jordan tell her why he loves her, because let's not forget this was the week BEN told her that same thing. BEN lied. BEN just said it. BEN ruined her life. BEN is the cause of all of this, dammit!!!!

Jordan says some things.. yada yada yada, they're in the Fantasy Suite. 

Neal- Good job. You said the right things... even though it was all flibbity flabbity flub.


The next day JoJo rolls out of her pleasure bed with Jordan to go do it all again (hopefully showering first) with Chase. They walk around a fishing village and Chase pulls out all the stops to impress our fair maiden...


JoJo is enjoying the day because Chase brings her so much joy! The day, like, COULD NOT get any better!!!!

While JoJo is off looking around every rock and in every cave for the possibility of Jordan being near... Chase is just in awe of it all. I mean it's all so magical! The fishermen! The boat! The fish! The water! Oh how he's longed to be a part of this world for SO LONG and experience those dingle-hoppers!


When they part to get freshened up for the night portion of the date, JoJo has a surprise at her door!

Robby came by to just, ya know.. see how things were going. Borrow a cup of sugar cuz he's baking cookies. Ya know, neighborly things. LOL. No. He came to drive his point home yet AGAIN that he legit loves her and wants to make sure he gets 5 more minutes of camera time. 


JoJo peels Robby off of her and goes to have dinner with Chase. He's giddy and appreciate of this journey that helped him open up and she was like "mm hmm. Ok. Cool. But, you are not Jordan. You need to sing for your supper, boy" and doesn't seem too thrilled when he says she makes him feel not scared anymore, because that is what love really is.

Neal- Wow, that's a smirk of disdain if I ever saw one.

Chase continues to be fooled and can't wait for the Fantasy Suite! He's not scared! It's not easy for him to say, but he is definitely in LOVE and wants JoJo to know it! 

If y'all are keeping score, we are at:
JoJo- 6
Chase- 0

Doesn't is seem like JoJo's thing? To push and push and push a guy about his feelings.. play the "I'm just not SURE about how you feel??" card and then freak out and ditch them when they finally open up? 

It's like a game to her, and nothing summed it up better than the GIF I found of Chase... realizing he was being broken up with, and somewhat laughing at the irony of it all...

JoJo just feels like their relationship is behind the other guys.. and even though she made out with him and got him excited all day long, things gotta stop right then and there!!! 

Chase is understandably mad about being dumped in the Fantasy Suite and doesn't think she gave him a fair chance. I mean, what was he missing? (ahem, swoopy hair, maybe??) JoJo just HATES herself for doing this, but she can't hurt him like BEN hurt her (this VERY week, don't forget!) but, if she has to hate herself for dumping him.. well, then she can live with that. 


Sorry Chase, you just don't have that Famous Brother in your corner to help you have an edge in this victory... now you must sadly drive away and try and crack jokes about how the van must be your Fantasy Suite....


The next day the Final 2 guys gather for the Rose Ceremony, and just as things are getting underway... Chase shows up and asks JoJo to go talk with him! The remaining guys are all befuddled at this confounding predicament...

Chase basically just wanted to apologize for getting mad the night before and save face a little bit, since he realized being the third place guy meant he could slide right into the Bachelor mansion himself... so he had to come across as a well-rounded, not aggravated guy and all...


He ain't mad 'bout it, and wants her to be happy, and to find love! Carry on, young lady! Fare thee well, go to yon splendid chaps and make merry! Tut tut!!!

Chase skips off and JoJo takes a moment to reflect on why she couldn't fall in love with Chase... I mean, WHY???

And after about .3 seconds of woeful soul searching is back ready to move on with her Final 2!


Obviously Robby and Jordan receive the final 2 roses and the realization of the situation hits our fair Captain Swoopy Hair hard...

Whoops.. looks like your plan may be derailed there, Jordan. Now you're gonna have to suck it up, put on a happy face, talk love talk and make JoJo believe you are in it to WIN it!

Who's it gonna be tonight guys?? And will the "happy" couple last for realsies?

The road to Happily Ever After (or at least until the People magazine cover shoot takes place, whichever comes first) is about to end!!

The Bachelorette Ep. 8- O Brother, Where Art Thou??

Monday, July 25, 2016

Oh hey there Hometown Dates! I don't know about you, but I was all like this in anticipation for this episode.....



Side note- that GIF is from the movie O Brother Where Art Thou which is on my top 10 list of "Movies That Made Me Go WTF" I mean, really. Weird movie. Anyways.

Let's get to it!

First up JoJo is in Colorado for Chase's date! She is so excited to meet families and see how she'll fit in, and what kind of life she'd live with each of these guys... sadly, the snow and cold seemed to thrill her not so much....


Methinks JoJo is happiest in bikinis and shorty-shorts and all things NOT Colorado.

What she is into though, is wanting desperately for Chase to OPEN UP ALREADY DAMMIT and be vulnerable, because he's been slower to burn... but when she said "open up" she didn't mean the fly of his jeans...


They enjoy a little mountain top picnic while sitting on a flat dead animal and then head back to Chase's house to meet just his Dad. Why? Well in case you missed it, Chase's date was all about these three important things:

1. his parents are divorced and he's damaged
2. he's damaged because his parents are divorced
3. divorce can lead to damage which can then lead to f**ked up humans who try and go on reality dating shows.

Chase's Dad has since remarried and has "several" step-children, so it's quite a miracle he escaped the commune long enough to have a chit-chat with Chase and JoJo. The "several" children didn't fare so well, though...


In true Bachelorette awkwardness, Chase decides to ask his Dad right there why the divorce happened, and say how much it hurt him....



Dad explains he worked too much, and he doesn't want Chase to make the same mistakes (it's ok Dad, he'll be Instagram famous now and will never have to work again!!) and then asks Chase if he's thought about how he'll feel if JoJo doesn't pick him...


Chase ain't thinking 'bout that though, and off they go to his Mom's house to meet the rest of the brood.

JoJo and Chase's Mom talk about how much she can tell Chase likes her, but then JoJo shoots back- LOL!!! Chase talks about you and loves YOU, Mommy! No, JoJo silly! He's like cray for you!!

And basically nothing came out of the conversation but damn that Hollywood sound set really looked like an upscale Colorado yard, did it not? I mean, nice touch on the ski lift turned bench, and the lighting on the fake trees...


Seriously. That can't be a real yard. It looked SO fake.

Chase and his Mom talk and she asks if he'd be ready to propose, because he's never really fallen in love (remember, divorced damaged kid and all) and he says "hecks yes I'm ready!" because he's ready for that new chapter, whatever that chapter may be...

(oh, and I am NOT making fun of kids of divorce. I know plenty of them and they are perfectly normal people. I just find it funny how amped up the show made his divorced family situation)

Well, totally on his own (not influenced by producers at all) Chase admits he's falling in love with JoJo, which she was SO happy to hear... but is it too little, too late???


On to the next date with Jordan in California!

Or what will otherwise go down in history as "Where In The World Is Aaron Rodgers???" because that is ALL JoJo seemed to really care about.

Other than hiding from the deer. Deer are scary. They carry ticks.


Jordan, on the other hand.. is showing off how well his new hair products let his locks frolic in the wind while he waits for his ticket to fame girlfriend arrive...


He doesn't know when he's last been this excited about a girl! Not since his last one night stand! Or maybe it was the one before, no... that one wasn't good. Maybe the one he had the day before he left to be on the show? Yeah, that must be it.

Anyways, he takes JoJo to where it all started for him.. his high school. Basically he just wanted to make out like a teenager all over campus and have an excuse to wear his Prom sash one more time.

They meet his old coach, and his old Spanish teacher, make out in the library, and then check out his coach's office and see *grasp the pearls* pictures of THE FAMOUS BROTHER all over the walls!!! Which pleases Jordan none because his brother is a sore subject for him.

JoJo persists though and was like "LOL, is that your brother's picture on the wall? What's his name again? Adam? HeeHee...He's so NORMAL I've like totally forgotten about him... TeeHee... oh that's right he's famous!!!...btw... umm... is he going to any award shows soon? No? Oh, I'm just asking for um, you know.. a friend..."

So.... Jordan and Aaron are not close. Jordan doesn't want to talk about why he and Aaron are not close and THIS IS NOT OK YOU GUYS.

I have to roll my eyes at the transparency of JoJo... it's very obvious how interested in Jordan's brother and that connection to fame she is because she would NOT let it go. I know lots of people who aren't close to their siblings. Does that seem weird? No. I've never dated a guy and went "red flag! you aren't close to your brother? THIS IS NOT OK. WE NEED TO DISCUSS THIS OVER AND OVER AND FIGURE OUT WHAT THE FREAKING DEAL IS!!!" 

No. I'm a normal person who just goes "oh, so you aren't super close to your brother. Ok." 

JoJo on the other hand....


JoJo is nervous to meet Jordan's parents and needs everything to be perfect.. which is would be, if she could just hunt for clues about the missing FAMOUS BROTHER, dammit...

We hear a little bit about how Jordan was a "spicy" child (huh? like he tastes like cumin?) but none of that matters. The ONLY thing that matters, and that JoJo talks about ad nauseum, are those empty chairs... those chairs that should be holding the FAMOUS BROTHER and his A-LIST ACTRESS GIRLFRIEND, dammit!!!


JoJo gets a chance to talk to Jordan's brother Luke and guess what they talked about??? LOL, no not world peace... MUCH more important subject matters...


Luke was obviously very impressed with JoJo's appetite for fame and approves of JoJo because he just wants his brother to be insanely happy, which I'm afraid he won't be until he gets into even tighter jeans...


JoJo then gets a chance to talk to Jordan's Dad and finds out so much relevant info on the guy she's really interested in. No, not Jordan, silly!!



Then apparently the producers told JoJo to knock off the Aaron obsession or something because suddenly Jordan was his OWN MAN. One she was falling in love with... and he was NO ONE'S brother...

Well, it looks like Jordan is going nowhere in this competition since JoJo basically said she's in love with him, and he just keeps giving her what she wants.


Next up we head to sunny sweaty Florida for Robby's date! He is PUMPED up... he's in love and he knows JoJo is gonna love him back after today, because she's gonna meet his family!!!

They meet up and JoJo has to whistle (because Robby can't... I feel his pain, I can't whistle either) and their horse-drawn carriage emerges for an ummm.... classy ride through town.


They gallivant through town, then have some cocktails by the water and talk about Robby's shady past again. Like how quickly he broke up with his ex-girlfriend of 4 years, came on the show and is now in love again. Robby swears it is OVER but JoJo has her doubts about his timeline...


**Side note- I've said before, I know "stuff" because I read Reality Steve but since I know some of you don't want spoilers, I paraphrase his info on here. Reality Steve reported that filming of the The Bachelorette started March 17th. So go back a few weeks from that date... they are casting for the show all through February. Robby posted pics of him and said "ex" girlfriend on his social media account all through the month of January (even though he claims he broke up with her over Christmas) So really... you are looking at mere weeks between him being with his ex and him being on this show.**

Let's just say... for good reason....JoJo is afraid that she's basically a rebound, and that she's just filling in some void in Robby's life..


Anyways, on to meeting the parents who were all kinds of excited!!!

Robby's Dad insists JoJo calls him "Coach" which I think is a really weird thing for any adult to insist another adult to do, and I forbade my Coach husband from ever insisting the same, cuz...


Anyways, Robby goes off with his two brothers and they talk about how amazeballs JoJo is, how well she fits in with the family.... I mean, it was instant, like BAM! Or maybe more like Bada Bing, Bada Boom...

Robby is sooooooo happy his bros love JoJo so much because do they realize how much sleep he's gotten??? NONE. Do they realize how many panic attacks he's had? Like a GAZILLION....



Robby's Mom gets her turn with JoJo and asks if there is anything she'd like to know about her dear son... and JoJo's was like "well.... there's that whole shady timeline issue" and Robby's Mom very seriously tries to convince JoJo that Robby is the real deal.


Mom then gets her chance with Robby, to fill him in on super important current events... otherwise known as what his ex's roommate has been gossiping about, which pleased Robby none because he has worked HARD at tricking JoJo and getting this far on the show so he could be totes famous...


Robby then interrupts JoJo's talk with his sisters to drive the point home again that he's here for the RIGHT REASONS, which leaves JoJo a bit on the confused side...

They have a little argument of sorts because JoJo just doesn't really believe him so Robby used the old "throw your ex under the bus" tactic to win her over.... telling her that his ex slapped him during a huge fight and that he is DONE with her and if she ever THINKS about contacting him again, well....

And since JoJo has the world's worst taste in men, she decided she loved this about Robby and that she's just gonna TRUST.


Moving on...

It's Luke's date in Texas!!! JoJo makes it clear that Luke NEEDS to express his love to her, because she is a Words of Affirmation girl, remember? And if she isn't told she is loved every 2.4 seconds, well...


Luke takes JoJo out to someone's house for just a nice little casual get-together of oh... you know... everyone in the universe. Except for Aaron Rodgers because seriously you guys... WHERE IS AARON??????

JoJo was a bit overwhelmed as the mob started swelling toward her..


Luke chats with his Mom and she tells him she can tell JoJo thinks highly of him. Well, silly Mom... you do realize your son's bag of tricks, don't you?

Luke gets a chance to talk to his Dad and ask him how he knew he wanted to marry his Mom. Well, his Dad didn't have producers or that fancy TV thing-ma-jig to guide him, but he just knew, and what a great choice he made in marrying her!


Luke is having trouble fully opening up to JoJo, but feels good about things and wants that next chapter. Whatever that chapter may be, might I add....


After a BBQ lunch Luke has a surprise for JoJo! Which really is more like a surprise from the producers because they just HAD to get THAT angle of her getting on her horse????

Good thing they paid for JoJo to get a bikini wax. Seriously though, this show sometimes...


They ride into the sunset, sit on some nicely decorated hay bales (because... Texas) and Luke still doesn't tell JoJo he loves her. But he does tell her he daydreams about her, and thankfully doesn't ask if she daydreams about him cuz he would have been sadly disappointed...


The remaining guys in the Herd assemble the next night for the Rose Ceremony, and they are all so nervous. For good reason. Since they will be getting on a jet immediately if they are given a rose, STAKES ARE HIGH.


JoJo has the hardest decision EVER to make, and feels like she needs to let go of Luke.... and she just feels SICK....


Luke senses something is off, and knows he is on the chopping block... if only there was something he could do to save himself???

He interrupts JoJo and takes her outside to finally tell her he is falling in love with her.... but is worried he waited too long, and said all the wrong things....


JoJo is sent into a tail spin of dramatic misery as she wanders around the tarmac in her fabulous gown, disparaging over the injustice of all her First World Problems...

What is a girl to do???

WHAT, I ask you... WHAT???

Does she let Luke go? What will the world do without his smoulder?? It's all too STRESSFUL!!

Tune in tonight guys! It's Fantasy Suite time, and I hear there is *gasp* drama!