The Bachelor Episode 2- Cover Your Eyes-They Spit!!!

Wednesday, January 13, 2016

Here we are... Episode 2.. where the real "dating" begins and all the girls start to feel ALL the feels. 


**Just a note: I decided the best way for me to recap and capture the moments I want to talk about was to pause the TV and take a pic of the screen. Some are great pics, some aren't.. but after spending almost a whole day last week searching for just the right image online.. I decided to just take them myself.**

Carry on....

The twins, I'm coming to find out, are TV gold. I'm pretty sure we will see them on Bachelor In Paradise. I mean, they'd be idiots not to cast these two on that spin-off and just sit back and watch them implode.

While the twins are waxing poetic about the planet of history (that was a direct quote, by the way...) Olivia is giving the other other girls some advice on how to land Ben. 

That they have to get Ben with their eyes. THEIR EYES.

Crazy eyes do make the heart grow fonder, after all. 

Then we see sweet ol' unlovable Ben.. getting ready for the day... which includes a close up of his underwear and him trying to prep himself for "meeting his future ex-fiancee/almost wife"

You go get 'em tiger!

The first date is a GROUP DATE!!! Whoa, ABC, whoa. You can't just throw a group date at us first thing... I mean, the madness!!! 

They head to good ol' Bachelor High to do some school-type challenge thingys and pose all together like #SquadGoals even though most of these girls want to claw each others' eyes out.

I don't know about you, but when I was in high school it was all about baggy overalls, Doc Martins, ska music and green glitter eyeliner. What is up with the skimpy school outfits on the girls?


And Mandi, honey... Boogie Nights called... even though you were Heather Graham's stand in, doesn't mean you get to steal wardrobe pieces. Give the pants back.

For the love... GIVE THE PANTS BACK

So remember kids.. the most important lesson learned in school- Say No To Ugly Pants

The girls had to team up in pairs of two and Lauren H pretty much spoke for all introverts when she heard the words "team up."


Ummm... where's the nurse's office? I think I have cramps and I need to sit this one out, thanks.

Lace and Jubilee were paired up and you could tell by their high five that they were gonna ROCK THIS SH**


The first challenge was to make "Ben's volcano erupt." Yes, Principal Harrison actually said that and yes I cringed. Cover your eyes, everyone!! No one needs to see that innuendo.


Jubilee and Lace lost and got eliminated and it was Lace's fault... and Jubilee wanted all of America to know that. And the fact that she maybe kinda sorta, but not really, but no, really...just kidding (not)... can make Lace "disappear."


The next challenge is to bob for apples in a fish tank and pass them to your partner with just your mouth. 

Because that's normal. And totally proves if someone can be a loving wife.

All I could think of was "their hair!!! the makeup they have shellacked on!!! Oh the horror of all the streaked mascara!!!"

Thank goodness this wasn't on Neal's list of requirements while we were dating because... no. Just no.

Next up was a quiz to see if the girls could locate Indiana! 

You know, the state?

JoJo and Becca must have missed that day in school because they were picking up states...question things... pondering the meaning of life.. one of them asked that state was Oregon... they added 2+2 and divided by 12 and carried the 3 and came out with this answer


After a basketball challenge, we were down to the final two... Mandi and Amber! They had to run some hurdles and burst through some paper to win a ride around the track in a car wearing Ben's 8-year-old-man-sweat letterman's jacket.


Mandi dominated and got to live out her dream of getting more alone time with Ben to discuss flossing habits while all the haters started hating.

Cocktail party time! Ben couldn't wait to spend more time with this normal bunch of not-crazy-at-all potential ex-fiancee/almost wives

He and Becca played some basketball (she was WAY better than he was!) and she told him she's "all in" this time.. which means... Fantasy Suite finally??? Chris Soules is crying a little on his farm in Iowa at his missed opportunity.

Lace wants the chance to apologize to Ben for getting drunk on Night #1 so she scampers off to go a-man-huntin'

 and goes about her "apology" in the best way possible.. by rambling and staring at him intently and saying "I'm not crazy" on repeat

She was CERTAIN that Ben was just about to kiss her because they were, after all... doing scandalous things with their eyes....

When none other than Jubilee walks in and interrupts them!


She and Ben have a pretty serious talk about how she was an orphan in Honduras and admired his charity work and they ended up kissing. 

So for those keeping score at home.. Ben is kissing like, everyone else BUT Lace...

Hmmmm.. me-thinks me-smells a reason why...


After Lace goes back to the group, she starts complaining about how she's had no time with Ben.. while the other girls disagree and let her know she's had just as much, if not more, time than other girls. Clearly she is confused as to how her time is being spent.

Maybe Lace can take an e-course or something and brush up on her skills.

Ben steals JoJo away to the rooftop and she says she's "never been this high before!!"

Come to Portland, JoJo! Marijuana is legal here! That should solve that problem real quick.

After some kissing and talking nonsense about feelings and emotions and all that jazz, JoJo and Ben rejoin the other girls and it's time for the group rose... and it goes to JoJo....and totally sends Jubilee into a tailspin of misery.

Back at the house during all this... the other girls are sitting around the couch, all natural like- not staged at all- when....




I'm sorry, but all I could think about was this:

Cover your eyes, Ben!!!! They've been known to spit in your eyes and blind you... run!!! You'll never get off the island with those embryos now!!

Sadly for the dilophosaurus... I mean, Olivia, the date was for Caila.


The next day the girls are waiting around for Caila's date, when Ben arrives, followed by Chris Harrison who tells them that he himself, the illustrious Chris Harrison... has planned this date.. which translates to "this is the customary ABC plug for an upcoming movie." 

And to what do my wondering eyes should appear?? 

Kevin Hart and Ice Cube (who SHOCKINGLY are in a new movie about to come out, and appear on this show.... I mean, the ODDS...) walk in and are coming along for the date!

Ben and Caila get to drive them around for the day! What an amazing date of getting numb-butt in a car while on the freeway inhaling exhaust and bugs.

They drive around, buy some roadside flowers, visit a liquor store and Caila thinks all of it is just SO MUCH FUN. 

I'm thinking she doubled up on her happy pills that day. 

They end up in a hot tub store and awkwardly sit around while Kevin Hart does his bit and all I can think of is "someone needs to get that girl a hair tie. Don't you people know that long hair can get caught in a jet and she can drown????"

Then she and Ben go to dinner and let their food sit on the table and get cold while Caila talks about her ex-boyfriend and how they almost got engaged but her "heart just hadn't caught up."

If that is 2016 speak for "I saw you on TV and went 'hubba hubba' and dumped my boyfriend immediately and then started looking at your Instagram account and pretending my body pillow was you...." then yes, her heart just wasn't in the right place to marry that other guy.

Then he gives her a rose, they get a private concert and dance for way too long in my opinion.. I don't know what was said... I fast forwarded. 


The next day is another group date!! Huzzah!!! The girls arrive at a lab (totally NOT a Hollywood sound stage, by the way... LEGIT science lab here. Did you SEE the white lab coats?) and are told they are going to go through experiments to see if they are scientifically a good match for Ben.

The twins seem to be confused about the whole thing

The girls take an eye test to see what image they look at first, (diamonds or babies?? How is that hard? Diamonds. They don't poop on you and pull your hair. Diamonds will be there. Diamonds understand) then they have to get on a treadmill and jog so Ben can smell them afterwards. 

I'm sorry but I'd be like "excuse me?" in what country is this normal dating behavior?" no one is getting me on a treadmill, I can tell you that. 


Ben says all the girls smell sweet... except for Samantha, who smells sour. Or probably more like a normal person who's just gotten off a treadmill. 

But in Bachelor World... you stink, you out, girl. So Samantha starts sweating (ha! pun intended) about how she might get eliminated now. 

Olivia, since her sh** don't stink... really, really really REALLY feels for Sam and doesn't think it's at all awkward that she's the only one that smelled sour out of the group.

Just kidding! She thinks it's TOTES awkward.


Then the final test is a thermo something or other where they have to put on sideways headband things and touch noses and try not to giggle and start a pillow fight. 

The test is measuring their body heat and was broadcast out for all the other girls to see (cover your eyes!!!)

Not exactly what the girls were expecting when they were told it was time to Netflix & Chill.

After a heavy day of super informative, very accurate scientific stuff, it was cocktail party time. It was held in the hotel that apparently Ben is staying in, and he brought Olivia up to his pad to show her around and smother her face a bit.

Nothing says "masculine bachelor pad" like a floral couch.


I kept expecting Ben's Mom to pop around the corner and just "check in on how the kids are doing" and you know... the things parents did to make sure their kids weren't making out on the couch instead of watching movies.

Sorry Mom.. but making out still happened. 

Back in the group, the other girls were complaining about not having time with Ben and yada yada yada and guys?? Olivia is just like the most CARING person ever. Listening to everyone's petty little troubles and all..

Olivia gets the group date rose for opening up (her gigantic mouth) to Ben and feels all high and mighty about it.

She didn't even gloat and say "2 for 2!! I don't KNOW what rose ceremonies are!" or anything either. She was so gracious and humble...

Then it was the next day, and the rose ceremony cocktail party!! Otherwise known as "leading the girls to slaughter" and the tension was... well, TENSE.


You know, they have a lot of cocktail parties on this show. It's like they LIKE to get the girls all full of liquor and expectations. 


Since Olivia already had a rose, she's supposed to play nice and let the other girls have a chance to hang out with Ben.

But Olivia is MRS. HIGGINS and Mrs. Higgins....she don't play nice. 

She hunted Ben down and wanted to take him somewhere alone so she could just kiss his lips off. Because that's not creepy at all. 

Lace take Olivia aside and yammers on about her struggle.. and how can Olivia not see her struggle? Olivia is SO SYMPATHETIC and tells Lace to get on out there! Go after what you want!


So Lace corners Ben and starts having diarrhea of the mouth and went on and on about growing up, and she was awkward, and something about a school bus, and she's so nervous, and she's working on parts of herself and Ben is SO INTO THE CONVERSATION. 

Good talk, Lace. Good talk

Ben was feeling jolly and started bestowing gifts on all the good little girls... Lauren B got a picture of the two of them on Night #1... so she can stash it under her pillow and kiss it each night before she goes to sleep and dreams sweet dreams of Ben

He also gave Lauren H a blue ribbon for having the biggest erupting volcano at the school date. 

Umm... I have no words for that. 

Lauren accepted the ribbon in the calmest, coolest, most not-faking-it-all kinda way


Time to give out the roses and Amber is scared. Because she didn't get any time with Ben this week and she is scared. It is SCARY.

You know what's scary, Amber?


Terrorism is scary. You are on a reality dating show....leeetle different. 

Well looky there.... Crazy Lace gets a rose!! That's not at all producer-driven or anything. No.. they wouldn't tell him to keep the drama girl around.. I mean, he's looking for TRUE LOVE here.

That's all for Episode 2! It's just starting to get good.. I know more drama is to come as Ben continues his journey of love and self-discovery. 

We wish you well, Perfect Ben... we wish you well.


What did you guys think of the episode? Are you Team Olivia or Team Lace for Ultimate Queen B Villain?


  1. hahah this was great! I loved the dino reference to Olivia, because YES! She is obviously going to be the resident B this season. We all thought it was gonna be Lace, but she's really just crazy. Do you ever notice that in her interactions with Ben she's always interrupting him and not letting him talk? And it's always for weird crap, like how her brother said she wasn't his sister in grade school. Scarred for life from that? lol Weirdo.

  2. OMG I love your recap! Multiple LOLs

  3. I read multiple famous/well-known Bachelor recaps every season and yours is honest to goodness my new favorite! HILARIOUS!

  4. Seriously! This makes me laugh! I absolutely love your captions! PS. These girls really are cray cray.

  5. I love this. I don't even need to watch, I can just read this and be totally in everything. Lace needs to go ASAP.

  6. bahaha perfection! Her mouth though - ahhhh!!!!!!

  7. omg lace. she needs to just go bye-tooooo crazy for me. trying to make ben think she's not crazy by showing her crazy? smart! haha

  8. This is literally the funniest thing I've read all day. Definitely can't wait to read about next weeks episode! Personally I'm so over Lace and Olivia and their crazy. Ben needs to tell them bye!

  9. OMG that mouth!!! I'm still having nightmares!!!


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