The Bachelor Episode 3- Enter the Mean Girls

Wednesday, January 20, 2016

Wow. 

Claws are OUT in Bachelor Land!! 

I had a hard time with this recap because I feel like not a lot of funny stuff happened... the mood was really serious and sad a lot of the time, and everybody was just plain mean to everyone else. 

It's hard to snark on serious and mean.

The girls turned into a flat-out band of Mean Girls this week.

Let's talk about it!

Up first was a one-on-one date with Lauren B. He's made no secret to the fact that he's liked her from the beginning... so it wasn't a shock she got a date.

They take off in a vintage car and seriously... ABC. Stock the mansion with some hair ties, would ya?? All the hot tubs and sports competitions and convertibles... and nary a hair tie to be found for the girls' poor extensions.

#DreadsAhead

Ben and Lauren head off....

and end up at an airport!!!

#WhompWhomp
#CreativityGenuisesAtABC

You know, because Lauren is a flight attendant... and she so wanted to go do something she does every single day of her life. 

Hey, Neal... if you ever take me on a date to like my office or something... well, just don't. I'll leave it at that.

And apparently our little Lauren is SCARED of heights!!! How does that make sense? Hmmm..sounds like a ploy to get Benny Boo Boo to be the big brave man for her.

Maybe I should tell my boss I'm scared of spreadsheets... that seems like a legit excuse... maybe I can get a hug and be told everything is gonna be alright?

They take off, make googly eyes at each other a bunch, giggle more than talk and fly over the mansion, making all the other girls SO JELLY of their date.

This sweet moment was brought to you by.... 

...camera shot of poor Girl In Black Dress digging at her crotch. 

#BikiniWaxesItch

Ben and Lauren land out in the middle of nowhere and giggle some more, and Lauren talks about how good everything feels, how much she trusts Ben... blah blah...

Then! Alas!! What should appear???

How????

The creatures that make crop circles must have just left that there...

#EwGrossAlienWater

So Lauren and Ben continue to giggle and have the most vanilla, kinda boring date/talk of all time.. when back at the mansion, it's starting to hit some of the girls that... they are dating the same guy as ALL THESE OTHER GIRLS. 

They do know the concept of the show, right??

Caila beautifully sniffles about how it's so hard to see Ben with other girls.. when she turned on her best "happy about everything" attitude and broke up with her boyfriend in the most natural, un-stalkerish way possible to be able to meet Ben..

I'm calling it now... this girl is not here to date Ben... she is here to land a spot as the Bachelorette (no, that is not a spoiler, don't worry)... because WHO CRIES LIKE THAT?

Be normal Caila!!! Get the snot flowing, and the red nose, the puffy eyes... WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU???

She has to be some kind of Displaced Disney Princess that got lost in the Magical Woods and ended up somehow in L.A. on a weird dating show.

While Caila is majestically letting a lone tear slip down her silken cheek... Rachel (aka- Who Is This Person?) is wondering why she hasn't been on a date yet. 

Um. I'm not gonna be the one to break it to her... but.... 

#NotACatch

Lauren and Ben walk into the sound stage, I mean the lovely dinner setting to let their food grow cold as they talk about all sorts great, romantic things. 

She's simple.
She wants a man like her Dad.
Her Dad likes to cut grass. 
Ben's Dad had a health scare. 
He realized what a deep kind of love he wants.

Nothing screams romance like heart attacks and grass clippings. 

Then they went to a private concert in a barn, which surprises no one. 

And listened to a band that's never been heard of, which also surprises no one. And Lauren got a rose, which surprises no one.

The next day was the group date!! At a soccer stadium! And the girls all rush out of the limos and act yippee skippee over the idea of running up and down a huge field all day and block flying balls coming at their faces. 

#NoThankYou
#WhereIsTheSidelineAndTheConcessionStand

Lauren H was like, so happy she spent 45 minutes drying and fluffing her hair that morning. It was going to look so good all sweaty and covered in grass.

Two professional soccer bad ass women show up to try and teach the girls some skills... 

If I were on that date, I'd show them a thing or two... I have skills. Duck-and-hide-from-the-ball skills, that is. Run-away-skills. I got skills.

These girls don't have skills...

DUCK-AND-HIDE, ladies!!!!!! 

Why didn't you listen to me??

Olivia, meanwhile.. is plotting ways to get more time with Ben... and thinks Operation Get Ben Injured is the PERFECT way to get some quality time with her hubby-to-be.

#He'sGonnaNeedMorphine

Flashback to the girls still at the mansion and Jubilee is struggling with life because she thinks Ben is more attracted to a happy type of girl, which she is not. 

'Cuz she's complicated, and has layers. Like an onion. But it's ok Jub... 'cuz Shrek is the same, and he turned out alright in the end. 

She basically gave JoJo a back-handed insult by saying she's not "simple" like JoJo and the other girls.

And back at the soccer stadium it's GAME ON!!! 

Stars vs Stripes in tiny booty shorts.

#Merica

Lace is her team's goalie and is still trying to figure out this whole soccer thing... like do you put the ball in the hoop? Where is the stick thingy you whack the puck with? How many innings are there?

See. I told you the sidelines is where it's at. Screw that actual run and kick the ball shizz.

Get me on the sidelines.... WAY more fun over there.

The game is starting to heat up, and goals are (miraculously) made and the girls are gettin' it... when....

Oh my stars! 

Rachel (aka-Who Is This Person?) gets a cramp! She's had an episode! Get the smelling salts!!!

Our dashing Benjamin fellow rushes over to lay his hand upon her leg and soothe her, and ask her name because he has no idea who she is??? and how she got there???... are you lost, madam?

While the other girls seem SO CONCERNED with Rachel's well-being.

It comes down to sudden death and they take advantage of Rachel's (wait... who???) injury to make the final

GOOOOOOAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!

Somebody call Wheaties!

We got the next box front superstars right here, folks... world class athletes.

The Stripes get their reward in the form of a cocktail party with Benny Boy, while the Stars shuffle home to face the misery of defeat.

1.25 seconds into the cocktail party and Olivia steals her hubby away!

They have shizz to do... like register for linens. And discuss if they should have red roses in their centerpieces, or would that be in bad taste?

They go up onto the roof and call down to the peasants below... wishing them all a jolly good time...

...carry on simpletons... carry on... Benny Boo Boo and I shall not tarry long...

I think everyone just LOVES watching those two fall in lurve and kiss and smooch and all that. I mean, what a special thing to witness.

Since everyone loves Olivia so much, they decided to go around the room and list all the things they just adore about her. 

-Her ugly toes
-Her stinky breath
-Her fake boobs

You DO NOT find friends like that very often in this life!

Olivia girl... you are #Blessed

Once Olivia comes back down from her high-and-mighty perch with her hubby, Jami (Jammie? Jamie?) decides to do the good thing and tell Olivia that the other girls were talking about her. 

Olivia immediately starts going down the list of possible "flaws" that she thought might have been mentioned:
-her cankles?
-her calves?
-her shoulders?
-her toes?

Whatevs. Olivia is SO OVER this "being beautiful and perfect" thing because "perfection is LAME"

#TellMeAboutIt

While Olivia is relishing in her un-lameness... Amber awkwardly falls onto Ben's mouth and makes him kiss her, gets a rose from him and is all like

#BestDayEver

Ben ends the party after giving Amber the rose and clumsily shuffles past her... or tries to dance with her, or ignore her, or pretend the last 5 hours never happened or something.

Olivia didn't get the rose.. which was ok with her, because he TOUCHED her knee when he stood up! He used HER KNEE for leverage when standing! Like, maybe on purpose!

And he squeezed her waist tighter than the other girls when she hugged him, so she just KNOWS he is sending her signs. Everything is a SIGN because she just knows him, because she is going to marry him!

#AllTheSigns

While Olivia is scrambling to find a cell phone to emergency dial her psychic so she can hear more about how her and Ben's stars align... a date card arrives back at the mansion! 

And it's for Miss Onion 2016- JUBILEE!!!!

JoJo is SO excited for her...or is trying to figure out how to charge Jubilee for all the time she wasted listening to her moan and bitch about how she'll never get a date.

#CounselingAin'tFreeLady

The next day Ben comes to pick up Jubilee and she (tries) to crack a joke about Ben being 20 mins late...

#Crickets

...which gets translated to the Mean Girls as "she's not grateful for this date. She should be grateful. We are all here for an EXPERIENCE and we are BLESSED to receive attention from Benny Boo Boo...something is WRONG with her."

Then Jubilee tries to crack another joke about not wanting to go in the helicopter that comes to pick them up (totes normal, by the way..I go on all my dates in a helicopter) and that again translates to the Mean Girls as she is UNDESERVING of Ben's affection, time, attention and this date, period.

Jub and Ben fly to a spa (which kinda looked exactly like the mansion) and try some delicacies like oysters and caviar. Jub is not digging it.....

Nothing a little alky-hol can't wash down!

After gagging on some fish eggs, she and Ben sit down on opposite sides of the patio and talk about feelings and stuff.

Then they take a dip in the hot tub and pool while Jubilee cracks jokes about how well endowed Ben supposedly is, and makes him all squirmy and eye the edge of the pool a little too seriously.

#SaveMe

They have dinner... and it is... well, very un-Bachelor. Instead of the usual talk of how amazing the day way, and how amazing the experience has been...they talk about really heavy things... Jubilee losing her whole family, growing up an orphan, and feeling guilty about it. 

Ben is kinda wishing he was with Lauren B again, talking about clipping grass...

He gives Jubilee a rose and tries to crack a joke to ease the tension.

The next morning, Jami (Jammie? Jamie?) reports back to us all that she woke up really early, sneaked upstairs and saw Jubilee sleeping!!!! HOW IS SHE STILL ON THIS SHOW?????

The girls were all SO sure that she'd get the boot because she wasn't GRATEFUL for her date with Ben and he couldn't POSSIBLY want her around anymore.

They are not pleased she's still in the house.

And so we begin Mean Girls vs Jubilee

That night at the cocktail party, Ben comes in and announces that he's a little sad. He got news that family friends died in a plane crash just that day.

Well... this is gonna be a fun night.

2.45 seconds into his speech, Olivia steals him away (gotta pick out a flatware set for that registry!) and Becca is so impressed that Olivia is going to go comfort our Dashing Ben.

#Not
#Daggers

Olivia knows JUST how to cheer up her man. 

Misery loves company, right??? 

So she launches right in to telling Ben all about her struggles. 

Oh woe is Olivia...

Dashing Ben... is... well, it's not exactly what he wanted to hear. 

Or see.

Meanwhile, Lace is still griping about not having any time with Ben, and starts to hear voices...

#AreYouThereTattoo?
#ItsMeLace

And Lauren H is trying to figure out what Ben sees in Jubilee because he, like.. needs a soccer mom wife who will make playdates and be friends with all the other soccer moms. Which is a role she is perfect for, by the way.

Jubilee seeks out Ben and leads him to a secluded massage table and offers him a back massage. She knew he loved back massages and wanted him to feel better. 

In Bachelor Land, caring about someone is NOT OK. It's NOT THE RIGHT REASON... and the girls are P-I-S-S-E-D that Jubilee is spending time with him, since she has a rose and is "safe." 

Amber breaks up their massage and Jubilee goes off on her own because she's just done with the whole nonsense of it all. 

#Don'tBlameHerAtAll

Amber though, is on a RAMPAGE for some reason and goes and tries to get Jubilee off the couch and force her to come back to the group of girls so they can attack her for no good reason talk to her.

Caila the Displaced Disney Princess tries to calm the situation down by stating that Amber wasn't trying to have a conversation, she was trying to attack Jubilee.

When Amber tries to drag her back into the house... Jubilee understandably loses it a bit, storms off and hides out in a bathroom.

#TurnOnTheFanIfYou'reGonnaPoop

Ben goes to talk to Jubilee, and again... Queen Mean Girl Amber is NOT OK WITH THAT

#Eyeroll

So she goes up and sticks herself into a situation where she doesn't belong, and rips on Jubilee IN FRONT OF BEN and is all like "you weren't even GRATEFUL for your date. Do you know how much that HURT ALL OF US??? That you weren't even GRATEFUL???"

Jubilee tearfully explains she was joking.. that is was only a joke... and Ben sticks up for Jubilee and puts an end to Amber's spew of hate.

Amber, somehow... mistakes Ben's actions as affection and just knows that love is blooming between she and him.

After all the shenanigans, Ben sits down with a heavy sigh (what, is this stressful or something??) and tries to wrap up the cocktail party and get the rose ceremony going when...

Lace, who earns the title of Smartest Girl On This Episode, pulls him aside and tells him she's been thinking and listening to her tattoos and has decided this isn't for her and she needs to leave and just work on herself for awhile.

And Ben can't say goodbye to her fast enough and turns and rushes back into the house. 

#Whew

The other girls lovingly pat him on the back and they all take a minute of silence to pretend like they are sad Lace just left.

And then it's finally time for the ceremony! Twin #1 (or #2, who knows...) isn't too sure about what is going on because her relationship with Ben has been kinda slow...

#BenWho

I mean, is she even on the right show, here?

Ben is handing out the roses and makes Olivia sweat saves Olivia for last.

Which she twists into "he saved the best for last" because THE SIGNS guys!!! All the SIGNS he's been giving her!

He's testing her strength because he knows she can handle it... because in the end, it will be them riding off into the sunset.

And poor Jami (Jammie? Jamie??) doesn't get a rose and realizes she is, at the ripe old age of 23... better off if she just throws in the towel now. 

I have one for ya honey... she yowls all the time and ruins our furniture and she's all yours!!!!

Like I said, the claws are out!

#Meow

What did you think? Is Amber Queen Mean Girl.. or does Olivia still hold that title?



7 comments:

  1. What a way to start a Wednesday morning - laughing uncontrollably! I'm pretty sure you are spot-on with this whole show and girls - crazy & entertaining!

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  2. For wanting a "second chance at love", Amber is sure not impressing me! What a biotch! I have to say that I love Lauren B. and can totally see Ben picking her (or someone like her) at the end. Totally boring date though. Jubilee is sweet, but she seems COMPLETELY out of her element and I cannot see her & Ben as a couple AT ALL. And lastly, just how bad are Olivia's toes?! I want to see them! Haha

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  3. I laughed so many times. I don't watch the show, but still. These ladies sound a bit terrifying.

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  4. What a great recap! This is too funny!

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  5. Just stumbled across your blog and love your Bachelor recap! Your screenshots/thought bubbles are hilarious! New follower :-)

    jenn
    givethisgirlcoffee.com

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  6. Bahahaha! Love it. Amber was ridiculous for trying to get jubilee to come back to the girls so they could all attack, I mean talk to, her. Ya right! I'm not loving jubilee either though. Definitely not the best environment for her and I don't see her and Ben as a couple. And Olivia is whack with all her "signs" and the fact that she pulled him aside to cry about her cankles and toes after he just told them he was said about family friends dying - I don't even have words! Great recap this week!

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  7. All the hot tubs this season is crazy and with that being said...Olivia showing her crazy card way too early LOL! xo, Biana -BlovedBoston

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