The Bachelorette Ep. 9- It's "Ben" Fun...

Monday, August 1, 2016

In case you missed the big message this week, lemme fill ya in...

-This was the week Ben told JoJo he loved her last season. 
-This was the week JoJo told Ben she loved him. 
-This was the week Ben fell in love. 
-This was the week Ben broke her heart. 
-Ben Ben Ben Ben...

If I had known how often JoJo was going to bring up her "ex" Ben, I would have made a drinking game out of it. Sheesh. Get over it, JoJo!

Anyways... this was a cliffhanger week so we pick up at the Rose Ceremony and the always solemn Chris Harrison perfectly playing the part of Captain Obvious...


And I'm not just talking about the pain of the wax itself...

Even though Luke finally gave into the producers prodding and pulled JoJo aside to tell her he does indeed love her... it was alas, too little too late. 

JoJo thought their relationship was getting stronger, but made her decision to dump him because she just didn't know where he stood...


JoJo has a major #FirstWorldProblem meltdown because THE WORLD IS COMING TO AN END help me GAWD but this is just the WORST thing EVUUUUURRRRRR....


Luke rides off into the sunset, possibly to be reunited with that unicorn he rode in on night one.. with only a dream in his heart that he'll someday find love....

Hey, stranger things have happened... maybe Becca will come back for a third season! Third time's a charm, after all...

The next day JoJo and her Herd are in Thailand and she's all yippee-skippee! Here's to love and adventure and kissing and my journey... and wha??? Is she sad about dumping who???

That was one quick turnaround, that's for sure... sobbing in a gown on a tarmac one minute... ready to shove her tongue down some throats the next. 

The heart sure does work in mysterious ways. 

Well while Luke is home sobbing and eating pint after pint of ice cream while listening to Celine Dion.... JoJo's date with Robby begins! 

He is STOKED because they are so passionate and intimate together.... doing stuff, you know, that you do when you are all intimate and shizz.


They walk through a Thai market and get Thai massages and talk about how awesome they are. How great it was they had their first "spat" during hometowns and how JoJo just looked past all his red flags about his ex... because that means they are honest with each other.. and that they have legit HONESTY. 


JoJo kept going on and on about how Robby makes her feel so safe, and she loves so much about him, and yada yada yada.... blah. Their chemistry is about as hot as Jasmine and Jafar's. 

Austin has been way obsessed with Aladdin lately so I've only seen the movie about a trillion times and that's basically all I can think about. 

Anyways... back to business. 

The night portion of the date comes around it's the same old song and dance we've had from JoJo for the past several weeks. She's falling in love but has CONCERNS. She has QUESTIONS. She has an OBLIGATION to make dramatic TV so she makes some stuff up..... 

She asks Robby what his family thought of her and he was like "LOL girl, you cray. Like they wouldn't just LURVE you... like, duh."

To prove to her than he means business with this whole "pretend to love you and get famous" gig he's got going on, he presents her with a note his "Dad" slipped in his pocket.... (Announcement- in tonight's episode, the part of "Dad" will be played by "ABC Intern Told To Make Good TV". Enjoy the show). 

Oh Robby... we see through your "Plan" like a kids sees through your attempt to hide Oreos from them...

They spend the night and do the things and the next morning JoJo is all a-twitter about the things and can just imagine waking up to Robby in all his gleaming glory every morning. But alas... she must be off to diddle with her next man...but not before she claims that she is in TROUBLE...


Jordan is all ready for some JoJo time because he knows how HE feels, he's in love... but... he needs to get a leetle better feel for her. *nudge nudge wink wink*

The cuppage of various parts of JoJo's body will have to wait though, because first they are off to hike a mountain! In the sweltering jungle heat. While wearing skintight clothes... So they just hang on each other and both lie about the "amazing" hike and say it was like totes the best experience EVER...


Up at the top of their hike they go into a cave that has a sacred temple inside... and find out they can't kiss while they are there, or the wrath of the gods will be upon them.. No worries though, because JoJo was like "LOL. No kissing? Good thing cuz we need to connect, like, emotionally. Not just at the genitals"


They chat in the cave and Jordan said hometowns were SO awesome, and her meeting his family was the last box he needed to check to fully get on the JoJo train....

Sorry you didn't get to check that final box, JoJo... we all know who we can *ahem* thank for that missed connection... #ThanksForNuthinAaron

JoJo still has concerns though, like if Jordan is really ready to commit to the "forever" aspect of their relationship... and worries if he is *gasp! clutch the pearls!* TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE????... which America answered her question with a resounding "HELL YES HE IS" but sadly I don't think she heard any of us. 

JoJo asks Jordan what the next year looks like for him. I mean, what's his plan? Where's he gonna live? What's he gonna do? And he basically just LOL'd, petted her head, told her "good dog" and she went on licking his hand affectionately..


Nealism: Wow. The more I see him, the more smarmy he becomes. 

Jordan doesn't know what the next year of his life will bring because.... FAME. Fame is yet to be had from this whole show thing, and who wants to tie themselves down?? I mean really. 

JoJo is concerned they will get out in the real world and discover they have huge differences...


JoJo persists though, and makes Jordan tell her why he loves her, because let's not forget this was the week BEN told her that same thing. BEN lied. BEN just said it. BEN ruined her life. BEN is the cause of all of this, dammit!!!!

Jordan says some things.. yada yada yada, they're in the Fantasy Suite. 

Neal- Good job. You said the right things... even though it was all flibbity flabbity flub.


The next day JoJo rolls out of her pleasure bed with Jordan to go do it all again (hopefully showering first) with Chase. They walk around a fishing village and Chase pulls out all the stops to impress our fair maiden...


JoJo is enjoying the day because Chase brings her so much joy! The day, like, COULD NOT get any better!!!!

While JoJo is off looking around every rock and in every cave for the possibility of Jordan being near... Chase is just in awe of it all. I mean it's all so magical! The fishermen! The boat! The fish! The water! Oh how he's longed to be a part of this world for SO LONG and experience those dingle-hoppers!


When they part to get freshened up for the night portion of the date, JoJo has a surprise at her door!

Robby came by to just, ya know.. see how things were going. Borrow a cup of sugar cuz he's baking cookies. Ya know, neighborly things. LOL. No. He came to drive his point home yet AGAIN that he legit loves her and wants to make sure he gets 5 more minutes of camera time. 


JoJo peels Robby off of her and goes to have dinner with Chase. He's giddy and appreciate of this journey that helped him open up and she was like "mm hmm. Ok. Cool. But, you are not Jordan. You need to sing for your supper, boy" and doesn't seem too thrilled when he says she makes him feel not scared anymore, because that is what love really is.

Neal- Wow, that's a smirk of disdain if I ever saw one.

Chase continues to be fooled and can't wait for the Fantasy Suite! He's not scared! It's not easy for him to say, but he is definitely in LOVE and wants JoJo to know it! 

If y'all are keeping score, we are at:
JoJo- 6
Chase- 0

Doesn't is seem like JoJo's thing? To push and push and push a guy about his feelings.. play the "I'm just not SURE about how you feel??" card and then freak out and ditch them when they finally open up? 

It's like a game to her, and nothing summed it up better than the GIF I found of Chase... realizing he was being broken up with, and somewhat laughing at the irony of it all...

JoJo just feels like their relationship is behind the other guys.. and even though she made out with him and got him excited all day long, things gotta stop right then and there!!! 

Chase is understandably mad about being dumped in the Fantasy Suite and doesn't think she gave him a fair chance. I mean, what was he missing? (ahem, swoopy hair, maybe??) JoJo just HATES herself for doing this, but she can't hurt him like BEN hurt her (this VERY week, don't forget!) but, if she has to hate herself for dumping him.. well, then she can live with that. 


Sorry Chase, you just don't have that Famous Brother in your corner to help you have an edge in this victory... now you must sadly drive away and try and crack jokes about how the van must be your Fantasy Suite....


The next day the Final 2 guys gather for the Rose Ceremony, and just as things are getting underway... Chase shows up and asks JoJo to go talk with him! The remaining guys are all befuddled at this confounding predicament...

Chase basically just wanted to apologize for getting mad the night before and save face a little bit, since he realized being the third place guy meant he could slide right into the Bachelor mansion himself... so he had to come across as a well-rounded, not aggravated guy and all...


He ain't mad 'bout it, and wants her to be happy, and to find love! Carry on, young lady! Fare thee well, go to yon splendid chaps and make merry! Tut tut!!!

Chase skips off and JoJo takes a moment to reflect on why she couldn't fall in love with Chase... I mean, WHY???

And after about .3 seconds of woeful soul searching is back ready to move on with her Final 2!


Obviously Robby and Jordan receive the final 2 roses and the realization of the situation hits our fair Captain Swoopy Hair hard...

Whoops.. looks like your plan may be derailed there, Jordan. Now you're gonna have to suck it up, put on a happy face, talk love talk and make JoJo believe you are in it to WIN it!

Who's it gonna be tonight guys?? And will the "happy" couple last for realsies?

The road to Happily Ever After (or at least until the People magazine cover shoot takes place, whichever comes first) is about to end!!