The Bachelor Episode 4- Bachelor Dating Probs

Wednesday, January 27, 2016

Well.

Everything was just so NORMAL on Monday's episode wasn't it? 

I mean, normal dating rituals, totally normal not out-of-left-field-at-all kinda dates (cough cough- wedding chapel- cough cough)... 

A bunch of confident not at all jealous or insecure girls... 

I mean, could it get anymore BORING? 

Does sarcasm come across via the written word? 

Anyways... if you need to catch up, check out my prior recaps:


Off we go on Episode 4!!!

This episode had some common themes...
-girls are insecure and don't want to "open up"
-love is like, scary
-dating on The Bachelor brings certain problems to the table
-The Twins are twins (did ya know??) 
-Olivia is totally Zen

We begin...

Like usual, the girls are feeling the tension in the house, as things are starting to get serious.

There's like REAL feelings here, and Caila still can't tell The Twins apart.

#SeriousIssues

Chris Harrison LOL's the girls with a funny "Ben is gone" joke... just to have it announced that the girls are to follow Ben to magical.... romantic....

Las Vegas? 

The Twins (yes, proper noun) really dominated this episode and they were (I guess) kinda excited to go back to their hometown.

Olivia was stoked because she had sneaky sneaky plans to whisper (in a not creepy at all way) to Ben that she wanted the 1-on-1 date and to see Celine

#VegasPriorities

After the girls arrived in Vegas, The Twins kept on Twinning and walking in unison and talking in unison and basically being one entity. 

A date card arrives for JoJo and Olivia is totally ok with Ben dating other women... because she's not threatened... because she's Zen with Ben. He can date around...she's cool wit dat, ya know.

JoJo gets ready for her date and she and Ben go out to a lovely parking lot and start to get wasted when (gasp!) a helicopter arrives!! Because ABC got like, a Groupon deal on aerial transportation this season and they needed to throw something that flew in there. 

All the girls are summoned (quite naturally, not prompted by a producer at all) to the window just in time to witness Ben and JoJo huddling behind the table kissing and slurping each other's mouths and things.

#FiringSquad

They showed like 5 seconds of Ben and JoJo's date, but we did see them have a semi-serious conversation about her past relationship, how she got hurt because a "third person" was involved and she now has a hard time trusting because she "opened up" and got heartbroken. 

My thought to her sob story about how she was the poor victim was "who hasn't dated an asshole??? Get over it! Be all like 'the bastard cheated on me, but I'm now looking smokin' hot on TV and have a good shot at being the next Bachelorette so he can shove it.'" 

Seriously, JoJo. (And that wasn't a spoiler, don't worry).

We also learn she's been single for 5 months... and since it takes several months to go through the application process on the show... take away a few months, carry the 2... 

...and maybe the "third person" in her last relationship was The Bachelor application. No?

Back at the suite, another date card arrives and announces everyone that will be on the group date the next day. 

Caila, our Perpetually Happy Displaced Disney Princess is jazzed.

While Olivia is now silently adding Caila to her "kick her in her LuLuLemon" Zen list

The girls very naturally (not instructed by a producer at all) discover fireworks out the window! 

Alas??? Could that be the beginnings of young, sweet blossoming love?

I've been to Vegas. Fireworks would be just as shocking to see as a car with life-sized naked women painted on the side (so, as in.. not at all shocking)... so you KNOW the girls moaning and groaning over the fireworks was staged. Fireworks in Vegas could mean anything... like it's Tuesday night and there is a sale on nipple tassels.

Olivia's reaction to the fireworks is that she feels like she is being cheated on. 

Newsflash honey... you kinda sorta are. And to our enjoyment.

#Merica

The next day is the group date and Rachel (aka- Who Is This Person?) finally might get her chance to meet Ben with this fun talent show thingy they have to participate in!

The Twins, however can't get over how CUTE Ben is!!! Like, even his nose is cute. He totally has a cute nose.

The girls walk into Terry Fator's theatre and Who Is This Person? finally feels like the Mother Ship is calling her home because... no one knows who Terry Fator is! She's not the only Who Is This Person? in the room!

The girls are told they get to be the opening act for Terry's puppet show!! The Twins, being Vegas experts and all, have like, totally already seen his show.

#HairFlip

Lauren B admits that she has no talent. I disagree, Miss Flight Attendant... I disagree...

The girls start rifling through random props and costumes. Ben was so excited to see the girls be silly and goofy, and the girls were excited too! Other than Olivia who was out to WIN DAMMIT.

And then out of left field Jubliee whips out a cello (WTF???) and KILLS it with some actual real talent.

And Olivia... somehow, naturally (not persuaded by producers what-so-ever) decided to go the Vegas show girl route and do... what ever you can possibly do in this get-up.

#Shimmy
#ThankGodSheShavedThatMorning

The show begins and the girls are announced one (or Twinned) at a time to show off their talents before an audience of 1200 people! 



I'm sorry, but who let Lauren H pick the chicken costume??? Friends don't let friends be chickens.

Ben is just seeing Wifey Material left and right... the juggling, hula-hooping, poetry reciting.. I mean. Come on. Cream of the crop, here Benny Boo Boo!

And just when you think it couldn't get any better... it's Olivia's turn. She wasn't going to fade to the back. She doesn't get embarrassed. She's ALL IN.

All in the cake and all in Crazy Town, more like it. 

The girls... are not impressed, to say the least with Olivia's "talent" of popping out of a cake, shimmying, boob jiggling and half-ass kicking her way across the stage.

#TellMeYourSecret

During her performance, Olivia went off the stage to give Ben a hug... and decided in her own little head space that the hug wasn't good enough and she didn't feel the vibe enough and immediately crumpled and felt embarrassed and whipped up the ol' panic attack trick to reflect the blame somewhere else so it wasn't her fault for her bad decision.

All that effort and she didn't scream WIFE MATERIAL with her performance (oh, like the chick in the chicken suit did???) and Ben is looking for WIFE MATERIAL. 

She sacrificed for nothing.

The group heads into the cocktail party portion of the date. Olivia is feeling off and weird and embarrassed and NEEDS to talk to Ben. Like yesterday. And explain how she just isn't good at making things sexy. That she's awkward and worried and is much better at just letting her boob hang out to do all the talkin'

Ben is very concerned about Olivia. So concerned that he has to go off and hide and sort through his feelings with his tongue...in Caila's mouth...who, by the way... doesn't want to be aggressive or obnoxious or anything...

Once Ben comes up for air, he crowns Caila a "Sex Panther" (does that make Becca a Virgin Parrot?? How does this wild kingdom work?) and is basically calling Neil Lane with a ring order right that second.

Lauren H finally gets some time with Ben... and the puppet (WTF, this show???) and kisses the puppet before she gets to kiss Ben...


Beware future contestants... bring lip balm... I hear those puppets can be a bit dry-mouthed.

THIS SHOW IS JUST SO NORMAL

Back in the group Olivia decided to just do her thang...

Olivia blabbers on about weird vibes and her bombing things and Zen and a LuLuLemon hit list and Zen Ben and Celine and her heart will go on and stuff and things and stuff and Ben.... well...

Oddly, Olivia didn't feel like the conversation had the result she was hoping for and was even more worried...

When she gets back to the girls they ask if Olivia feels better, to which she replies "well, I didn't get a lot of time, but there are 12 of us... so..."

....so she does some quick math....

#Crap

Ben and Lauren B get some time together and yet again we get to listen to a conversation about how hard it is to "open up" and how "scary" it is to trust someone and be vulnerable and other "oh Ben, tell me how I'm being silly" kinda talk.

Olivia is going on and on about how she needs to talk to Ben again, because 5 minutes before when they talked, they didn't kiss. And that was the first time they didn't kiss when they talked and lord help us all! 

#TheHorror

The Twin (Emily or Haley? Who knows?) however, is like "sucks to be you lady" and says it's not her problem Olivia had diarrhea of the mouth during her time with Ben. 

Olivia again, swoops in at Ben and tries a different angle. She was having a bad day, that wasn't her, she wasn't herself, she wants their vibe back, dammit... the VIBE!

Ben meanwhile, is totally engrossed in her plight.

Time for Ben to give away the group date rose and he gives it to the girl he feels confident in....Lauren B. 

And no one is surprised.

Other than Olivia's brain... which was hurt (and very personally affronted, I might add... the nerve of that Ben!!) by not getting the rose.

The next day the girls are just chillin' and Caila is just Disney Princessing when a package comes for Becca for her 1-on-1 date that day!

It's a wedding dress! Because this show is weird! And she has to put it on in front of everyone! Because why not rub in the jealousy? And then walk through Vegas in it! Because THIS IS HOW YOU FALL IN LOVE, PEOPLE. 

#SoTotallyNormal

Jubilee-whois ever increasing on my list for Best Person Ever on this show- nails it.

Becca is whisked away in a pink car to the Little White Chapel and greets a tuxedo clad Ben..who gets down on one knee...

and...

asks Becca if she would marry......

Other people with him!!!

HAHAHAHAHAH

Joke's on you, Desperate McHasty

In true Bachelor fashion, and since she was forced to drink the Kool-Aid... Becca thought the whole idea was SO COOL... but seriously. This is supposed to be romantic?

But hey! A real wedding did so happen to occur! With like, guests and everything!


#TrueLove

After a day of hitching folks together in matrimony, they enjoy some quiet time in the Neon Boneyard (Ok, I forgive this show for the lame day portion of the date... this place is SO cool!)

Ben and Becca have a pretty legitimate talk about her being a virgin, why she's waiting, what morals and values mean to them, and if it's ok with her that Ben has indeed had "relations" out of wedlock.

Becca gets a rose... and moving on.

The next day Ben surprises The Twins with a special date... to their Mom's house! 

#Hurrah

Ben knows he can't like both girls and The Twins know that a time with come where he has to pick one.. so what better scenario than to take them home, and just dump and leave the loser Twin to sob to her Mom over a pint of ice cream?

Ben sees the girl's rooms... and learns so much about their ex-boyfriends, and mouth retainers and their choice of lip balm (oooh... Burt's Bees.. good decision!)

And has a very intimate conversation with Emily, who throws her Twin under the bus by telling Ben that "Haley just doesn't like you that much. I like you. Emily. EM-I-LY. Want me to wear a name tag so you remember?" and Ben is thinking real hard on this new information.


Ben (sigh) says goodbye to Haley... and America says goodbye to The Twins... and The Twins say goodbye... to each other.

But Emily seems a little too chipper to be the lone Twin standing...and I think that crafty gal had a plan all along.

Rose Ceremony time!

Olivia plans to do the Olivia-thing and steal Ben RIGHT AWAY because they need to talk, they need to progress as a couple.. but Jennifer (wait, who???) steals him first!!!

#TheNerve

Never fear! Our brave Olivia is here and she is bound to find her man and PROGRESS dammit!! 

Olivia AGAIN apologizes for her talent performance and AGAIN goes into how that wasn't her and she had a bad day and it wasn't who is is...

FOR THE LOVE, woman... LET IT GO!!!! 

#BeatingADeadHorse

In her convoluted mind though, the talk went STELLAR and she skips back to the group with a renewed feeling of high-and-mightiness

She even tells JoJo that she dropped the bomb on Ben that she is falling in love with him. JoJo, ever the voice of reason, tells Olivia she'd never say that without the feeling being reciprocated and Olivia told JoJo "oh but is was reciprocated!!!"

#LiarLiarPantsOnFire

Jubilee confesses to Ben she's having a hard time see him develop relationships with the other girls and Ben gives her a wet willy and a nooggie and makes all the owies go away.

Sadly those two are pretty deep in the Friend Zone, don't ya think?

Ben has to give out roses.. and it's so hard because he is just feeling ALL the feels, ya know? 

Olivia is given the last rose, and it is alright with her, since she KNOWS Ben is just saving the best for last.

Or saving the last for the one he really didn't want to give a rose to.. either way. Whatever helps you sleep at night, honey.

Who Is This Person? (aka Rachel) is sent home, as is Amber. 

Poor Amber... third time was not the charm for her to find love.

Poor Amber. I mean, she really tried this time.. she was all Mean Girl to Jubilee, and demanding and attacked Ben's lips... I mean, what does it take to make a man love you nowadays???

And we ended the night with some Oreo cookie mouth race thing.... because... this show is so normal.

What a waste of a good cookie. 

Well, there we have Episode 4!

I mean, are you as nervous as I am? 

Is Ben going to find love?

Is Olivia going to Zen out and create a LuLuLemon massacre? 

So many questions... 

See ya later, Bachelor Nation!

8 comments:

  1. Oh my gosh, this was amazing! Your commentary on Olivia is spot on...I'm dying!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Ah, Olivia! She's such a self centered person. Seriously, get over yourself...and stop apologizing to Ben. Newsflash: you look like a total creep. Love the recap Jess!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Oh my gosh this is just hilarious! I'm so glad that I just found your blog because I sure do love a good Bachelor recap. I mean, there's always so much to make fun of!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Your recap was 1000x better than this week's show. Love it!

    ReplyDelete
  5. I am amused for sure. Weirdly, I want an Oreo now.

    ReplyDelete
  6. How much longer is he going to keep crazy Olivia around?! Sheesh. And the group date was embarrassing as usual. I know they have to do group dates because a season of just 1:1's would drag out forever, but they just seem so pointless to me. They are always so silly and bring out the jealousy, cattiness and craziness of all the girls. I'm so glad one of the twins is gone now. Although I didn't see him having a connection with either one of them, so it looks like remaining sister will be joining the one left behind soon. Love your recap as usual! xoxo

    ReplyDelete

Share the Joy!!!! And thanks for stopping by!!!! I will respond to each comment, but I won't be able to if you are a no-reply commenter!! xoxo