The Bachelorette Ep.5- Bless the Broken, Dramatic Path to Love

The path to love is a treacherous one, my friends. 

One filled with Bootylicious Vampires,  a stop at Heartbreak Hotel, body cracks full of sand, and Close Talkers.

Let's have a moment of silence for JoJo's journey, as we all reflect on the perils our Queen faces each and EVERY episode just to find that happiness, that 3 carat free diamond ring, and that Instagram fame.

.............................................................shhhhhhhhhh.............................................................

#Amen

We start this week with the men still celebrating the demise of Chad... with a very thoughtful, very moving funeral ceremony they producers told them to put on. Nothing says "fare-thee-well, solider" than spreading the remains of his protein powder in the wilderness. 

You could almost hear the soft bugle music playing in the background....

#WeSaluteYou

But wait! LOL! Silly me. Some creepy Girl Scout, I mean, the Chad Bear showed up on the guys' doorstep, a-knock-knock-knocking to be let in, which the very enthusiast ban of gentlemen did...

Apparently Herd Manor is NOT like Motel 6... they will not leave the light on for ya. Sheesh. Rough crowd.

Chad acts like NO BIG DEAL and just lays into the guys immediately about how he was the victim, the guys cornered him, and he had no option but to lash out. Jordan tries to clear the air and make amends, telling Chad this was his chance to be a man and say he's sorry. 

Chad ain't playing that "I'm sorry" game though... 

#Aren'tWeAll

Jordan is officially DONE with Chad at that point. Nobody talks about his tresses like that, and lives to tell the tale...

#LatherRinseRepeat

The guys turn their back on Chad and for reals shut him out... and we bid adieu to our Scallywag... our Villain, our Rebel With A Cause to be Famous....

#Don'tLetTheDoorHitYaOnYourWayOut

Alex soon returns after his evening 1-on-1 time with JoJo and is received by a rousing rendition of For He's a Jolly Good Fellow, complete with a tickle fight and fireworks and the whole she-bang...

I mean, doesn't he deserve it? Going out into the woods with a Chad Bear is sure Risky Business. He probably needs a Cocktail right about now... after he basks in the glory of being Top Gun. 

I crack myself up. 

Soon we are on to the Cocktail Party and JoJo gets things started with an emotional speech about how she is just SO worried she won't get to know the guys all that well... because....

#PlayingFavorites

Let's just get it out there... we all KNOW Jordan is getting to the Top 4 at least..... my two cents is that it comes down to him and Luke, since I think those are the two strongest chemistry connections so far.. 

If you think that's a spoiler, I swear it's not... anyone can see those are the top two at this point, right?

Anyways.... 

JoJo talks to the guys, the guys steal her from one another, talk about how nervous they are, and start sizing up one another... trying to gauge the seriousness of each other's relationship with JoJo.

This guy... James? Nick? Jason? Ok, I dub thee... He That Shall Not Be Named and he wrote her a lovely poem....

#ShakespeareRolledHisEyes

While Luke stole her time over and over again, and admits he's falling for her....

If that ain't serious, I don't know what is...

Evan makes a very astute observation that now that Chad is gone, and the guys aren't banning together against one common enemy, he's worried they will start turning on each other. It almost makes him miss the big guy, ya know?

#AndButterflyKisses

Jordan pisses everyone off by taking a lot of JoJo's time to... um.... TALK and stuff, even though he was safe with a rose that night....

Well, whenever those two are ready to come up for air, we shall proceed.....

Going into the Rose Ceremony, Evan was all kinds of nervous because he didn't get much time with JoJo and was praying in the Beyonce way for her to "say mah name, say mah name".....

Unfortunately, JoJo did not say the name of Edward Cullen's wayward vampire cousin Daniel, and he peaced out... not before letting us all know that obviously JoJo was going on personality and not LOOKS, because #duh.... look at him compared to the likes of Evan... 

Mah body's too bootylicious for ya, baby.....

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#Boom

JoJo then tells the remaining guys that they are traveling out of America! To.... Ur.....a-guay? Urrrr.....rope? No, Urrrr....anus??? Must be.

There was some slight confusion amongst the guys, so JoJo patiently explained they are going to Uruguay. You know. The country. In South America. Here's a globe. Educate yourself.

So off they all jetted and once in Uruguay, the Date Card came, declaring Jordan as the recipient of a 1-on-1 date, which was met by less than enthusiasm from the Herd...

#Crickets

They all see JoJo's attraction to Jordan, and think it's unfair that he just got a Group Date rose last week, is the obvious front runner, and now Hair Flip (as one guys calls him) gets all this extra time on a date to fondle the goodies....

#Funbags

Back at Herd Condo, Vinny has set up a barber shop and the guys are all a-chatting and geting their hair..... did and the hot topic of convo??? 

Oh, just the strategically placed gossip magazine (those darn producers, just leaving stuff around, all the time...) featuring a story about how JoJo got back together with her ex when she got home from Ben's season, and then dumped him in a hot second to go on and get famous as the Bachelorette... well, that and all the other goings-ons in Hollywood...

The guys start seriously doubting JoJo and her intentions. Was she there for the RIGHT REASONS???? Was she true??? Hmmm... me thinks no, and so does Truvy....

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#SteelMagnoliasSpeakTruth

After that, the magazine disappeared for awhile and no one could find it...

#OhEvan

Meanwhile, oblivious to all the chatter about JoJo's intentions... Team JoJoJordJord were ignoring their dinner and having a seriously conversation about how JoJo "ran into" one of Jordan's ex-girlfriends once and was told by her that he wasn't a very good boyfriend... and well, JoJo wanted Jordan to explain the TRUTH....

Jordan started to twitch and come up with a convincing excuse as to what happened in his past relationships and who it could have been who tattled on him...

#OneInAThousandChance

And ends up blaming all his bad behavior, cheating, and over-flirting to the stress of trying to play professional football and not succeeding. 

He tricks convinces JoJo that his intentions are sincere and now he's falling in LOVE with her, and wouldn't say that unless he was SERIOUS and looking to nab the next Bachelor gig, or a sports broadcasting job or modeling career....

#HePinkySwears

After the date, JoJo is on a high that NOTHING could ruin... until a producer throws that pesky gossip magazine at her and she's like "WTF is this?"

JoJo FREAKS out over the story and is so MAD that her ex does this kind of sh** to her. She rushes to explain herself to the guys, and tells them that she means business. She's here to find love, and doesn't want to be in THAT magazine and be talked about.

#USWeeklyWouldHaveBeenOkToo

The guys believe her, comfort her... and on we march down the treacherous path toward finding true love that lasts for a few months until new-found celebrity careers get in the way...

The next day is the Group Date and Jordan and Robby are left behind to have a terrible time at the 4-star resort...

While the Herd is having the BEST time out in the wind and rain, trying to sand board... which usually works best when you actually have a board. Just a thought, James Taylor...

#He'llBeFindingSandInBodyPartsForWeeks

We go into the Cocktail Party portion of the date and JoJo's broken heart over the magazine story is still hot conversation with her and all the guys...at least they understand though, right?

#LonelyCowboy

Jim Derek is starting to feel very awkward and insecure because he got that very first 1-on-1 date, but in the last few weeks, has barely had time with JoJo... so... where does he stand? Where is he? He's not where he thought he'd be...

Better check with Pam on that one....

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Jim Derek confides to JoJo that he's been jealous in the past weeks but he's here now, and that's what matters...

Nealism: (just enters the room, sits down next to me and puts a hand on my arm) "babe, I'm here now. I'm here."

Alex is picking up the slack Chad left behind and playing the part of Overly Confident On The Verge of Being Cocky Guy and decides he doesn't like Jim Derek and his range of emotions that make him... oh I don't know... a sensitive human??? How dare Jim Derek actually feel things. It makes Alex wanna call him out...

#TattleTell

Things get even worse for Alex when JoJo gives the rose to "someone she wants to give some reassurance to" and gives it to Jim Derek.... Alex doesn't get why she would go for that (his words, not mine) "insecure little bitch"

#SayHelloToTheNewVillain

Which sucks. I liked Alex. I liked him from the start.... until now. Now, he's just on my last nerve (or is that my 4-year-old begging for milk?? Either or) and needs to learn there is a difference between confidence and arrogance. 

Fine line, Alex. Fine line.

The next day JoJo decides to dump all these yahoos and declares a final rose winner!!!!

I totally support her decision!!!!

#MazelTov

Robby meets up with her for their 1-on-1 date and they have some street cart food and the vendor asks if they are married...

#CloseButNoCigarRobby

While back at Herd Condo, the guys are discussing the mathematics of the remaining roses... if there are 8 guys, and you get rid of 2 and carry the 1, but there are only 5 roses... how many guys with #AllTheSads do you have?

#Calculus

All the roses are becoming SO important at this point because it's getting closer and closer to the final countdown. Alex still can't figure out why JoJo would give Jim Derek a rose to reassure him... doesn't Jim Derek know that's a PITY rose? Who the hell wants a PITY rose anyways??? Obvs only the children in the group do, because in Alex's mind, there are grown-ass MEN there trying to move forward with JoJo...

Back at the date, Robby so wants to tell JoJo that he is legit in LOVE with her...

Nealism: (whispering)-"don't do it!!!!!"

And doesn't listen to my husband and goes ahead and launches into his sob story of how a good friend of his died right when his life was beginning and from that point, Robby decided NO MORE... no more serious girlfriend, no more dumb job, or dumb city.... he had to start LIVING....

#TheManNeedsAToothpick

Robby thinks he did good, and that it's ok JoJo couldn't say she loves him in return, because he's on the PATH, man, the path to victory....

The next day, it's time for a Cocktail Party and Rose Ceremony and Jim Derek tries to pull Alex, Robby, Chase and Jordan aside to get a little performance together to entertain JoJo, but miserably fails...

Some things are best left to the masters, Jim Derek....

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Really, Jim Derek tries to talk to those guys about how they need to stop acting like they are high school and making him feel weird and awkward, and the guys fight back and get pissed that Jim Derek is taking their precious could-be-fondling-JoJo-time so let's just say.... the group won't be going on tour anytime soon. 

Time for roses, and Evan's feeling blue.. he puts himself in the bottom every week and he needs to just stop that already!! He wants to be a front runner for once!!!!

See Evan? To three little humans out there, you are the world. Don't you forget that. 

Alex gets his rose and proves that whining a ton will eventually get you things (don't let your kids watch this show) and I had to laugh at how he was a total Close Talker....

Nealism- "I want you to feel my belt buckle..."

Don't know the Close Talker joke? I feel sad for you... go watch every Seinfeld episode, then meet me back here. 

#You'reWelcome

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Sadly, we say goodbye to Evan and Vinny..... the treacherous path didn't lead them to JoJo, but never fear!!!! Their path is turning into hot beach sand, littered with drinks a-plenty and a few beautiful blondes from Ben's season...

See ya on Bachelor In Paradise, guys!

Well, that's it for this week guys... JoJo's path is certainly dangerous, and I feel like I need to call in Dora the Explorer and her trusty backpack or something to help her get through, don't you??

See you all here next week!!! I'll be absent from BlogLand for the rest of the week and the weekend because we are off on vacation! Like for reals!!! Whoop!!! Oh, the children are coming though... so I take that back. I'll be off to yell at my kids in a place other than my normal house.

#SoRelaxing

Bye!!!