The Bachelorette Ep. 8- O Brother, Where Art Thou??

Monday, July 25, 2016

Oh hey there Hometown Dates! I don't know about you, but I was all like this in anticipation for this episode.....



Side note- that GIF is from the movie O Brother Where Art Thou which is on my top 10 list of "Movies That Made Me Go WTF" I mean, really. Weird movie. Anyways.

Let's get to it!

First up JoJo is in Colorado for Chase's date! She is so excited to meet families and see how she'll fit in, and what kind of life she'd live with each of these guys... sadly, the snow and cold seemed to thrill her not so much....


Methinks JoJo is happiest in bikinis and shorty-shorts and all things NOT Colorado.

What she is into though, is wanting desperately for Chase to OPEN UP ALREADY DAMMIT and be vulnerable, because he's been slower to burn... but when she said "open up" she didn't mean the fly of his jeans...


They enjoy a little mountain top picnic while sitting on a flat dead animal and then head back to Chase's house to meet just his Dad. Why? Well in case you missed it, Chase's date was all about these three important things:

1. his parents are divorced and he's damaged
2. he's damaged because his parents are divorced
3. divorce can lead to damage which can then lead to f**ked up humans who try and go on reality dating shows.

Chase's Dad has since remarried and has "several" step-children, so it's quite a miracle he escaped the commune long enough to have a chit-chat with Chase and JoJo. The "several" children didn't fare so well, though...


In true Bachelorette awkwardness, Chase decides to ask his Dad right there why the divorce happened, and say how much it hurt him....



Dad explains he worked too much, and he doesn't want Chase to make the same mistakes (it's ok Dad, he'll be Instagram famous now and will never have to work again!!) and then asks Chase if he's thought about how he'll feel if JoJo doesn't pick him...


Chase ain't thinking 'bout that though, and off they go to his Mom's house to meet the rest of the brood.

JoJo and Chase's Mom talk about how much she can tell Chase likes her, but then JoJo shoots back- LOL!!! Chase talks about you and loves YOU, Mommy! No, JoJo silly! He's like cray for you!!

And basically nothing came out of the conversation but damn that Hollywood sound set really looked like an upscale Colorado yard, did it not? I mean, nice touch on the ski lift turned bench, and the lighting on the fake trees...


Seriously. That can't be a real yard. It looked SO fake.

Chase and his Mom talk and she asks if he'd be ready to propose, because he's never really fallen in love (remember, divorced damaged kid and all) and he says "hecks yes I'm ready!" because he's ready for that new chapter, whatever that chapter may be...

(oh, and I am NOT making fun of kids of divorce. I know plenty of them and they are perfectly normal people. I just find it funny how amped up the show made his divorced family situation)

Well, totally on his own (not influenced by producers at all) Chase admits he's falling in love with JoJo, which she was SO happy to hear... but is it too little, too late???


On to the next date with Jordan in California!

Or what will otherwise go down in history as "Where In The World Is Aaron Rodgers???" because that is ALL JoJo seemed to really care about.

Other than hiding from the deer. Deer are scary. They carry ticks.


Jordan, on the other hand.. is showing off how well his new hair products let his locks frolic in the wind while he waits for his ticket to fame girlfriend arrive...


He doesn't know when he's last been this excited about a girl! Not since his last one night stand! Or maybe it was the one before, no... that one wasn't good. Maybe the one he had the day before he left to be on the show? Yeah, that must be it.

Anyways, he takes JoJo to where it all started for him.. his high school. Basically he just wanted to make out like a teenager all over campus and have an excuse to wear his Prom sash one more time.

They meet his old coach, and his old Spanish teacher, make out in the library, and then check out his coach's office and see *grasp the pearls* pictures of THE FAMOUS BROTHER all over the walls!!! Which pleases Jordan none because his brother is a sore subject for him.

JoJo persists though and was like "LOL, is that your brother's picture on the wall? What's his name again? Adam? HeeHee...He's so NORMAL I've like totally forgotten about him... TeeHee... oh that's right he's famous!!!...btw... umm... is he going to any award shows soon? No? Oh, I'm just asking for um, you know.. a friend..."

So.... Jordan and Aaron are not close. Jordan doesn't want to talk about why he and Aaron are not close and THIS IS NOT OK YOU GUYS.

I have to roll my eyes at the transparency of JoJo... it's very obvious how interested in Jordan's brother and that connection to fame she is because she would NOT let it go. I know lots of people who aren't close to their siblings. Does that seem weird? No. I've never dated a guy and went "red flag! you aren't close to your brother? THIS IS NOT OK. WE NEED TO DISCUSS THIS OVER AND OVER AND FIGURE OUT WHAT THE FREAKING DEAL IS!!!" 

No. I'm a normal person who just goes "oh, so you aren't super close to your brother. Ok." 

JoJo on the other hand....


JoJo is nervous to meet Jordan's parents and needs everything to be perfect.. which is would be, if she could just hunt for clues about the missing FAMOUS BROTHER, dammit...

We hear a little bit about how Jordan was a "spicy" child (huh? like he tastes like cumin?) but none of that matters. The ONLY thing that matters, and that JoJo talks about ad nauseum, are those empty chairs... those chairs that should be holding the FAMOUS BROTHER and his A-LIST ACTRESS GIRLFRIEND, dammit!!!


JoJo gets a chance to talk to Jordan's brother Luke and guess what they talked about??? LOL, no not world peace... MUCH more important subject matters...


Luke was obviously very impressed with JoJo's appetite for fame and approves of JoJo because he just wants his brother to be insanely happy, which I'm afraid he won't be until he gets into even tighter jeans...


JoJo then gets a chance to talk to Jordan's Dad and finds out so much relevant info on the guy she's really interested in. No, not Jordan, silly!!



Then apparently the producers told JoJo to knock off the Aaron obsession or something because suddenly Jordan was his OWN MAN. One she was falling in love with... and he was NO ONE'S brother...

Well, it looks like Jordan is going nowhere in this competition since JoJo basically said she's in love with him, and he just keeps giving her what she wants.


Next up we head to sunny sweaty Florida for Robby's date! He is PUMPED up... he's in love and he knows JoJo is gonna love him back after today, because she's gonna meet his family!!!

They meet up and JoJo has to whistle (because Robby can't... I feel his pain, I can't whistle either) and their horse-drawn carriage emerges for an ummm.... classy ride through town.


They gallivant through town, then have some cocktails by the water and talk about Robby's shady past again. Like how quickly he broke up with his ex-girlfriend of 4 years, came on the show and is now in love again. Robby swears it is OVER but JoJo has her doubts about his timeline...


**Side note- I've said before, I know "stuff" because I read Reality Steve but since I know some of you don't want spoilers, I paraphrase his info on here. Reality Steve reported that filming of the The Bachelorette started March 17th. So go back a few weeks from that date... they are casting for the show all through February. Robby posted pics of him and said "ex" girlfriend on his social media account all through the month of January (even though he claims he broke up with her over Christmas) So really... you are looking at mere weeks between him being with his ex and him being on this show.**

Let's just say... for good reason....JoJo is afraid that she's basically a rebound, and that she's just filling in some void in Robby's life..


Anyways, on to meeting the parents who were all kinds of excited!!!

Robby's Dad insists JoJo calls him "Coach" which I think is a really weird thing for any adult to insist another adult to do, and I forbade my Coach husband from ever insisting the same, cuz...


Anyways, Robby goes off with his two brothers and they talk about how amazeballs JoJo is, how well she fits in with the family.... I mean, it was instant, like BAM! Or maybe more like Bada Bing, Bada Boom...

Robby is sooooooo happy his bros love JoJo so much because do they realize how much sleep he's gotten??? NONE. Do they realize how many panic attacks he's had? Like a GAZILLION....



Robby's Mom gets her turn with JoJo and asks if there is anything she'd like to know about her dear son... and JoJo's was like "well.... there's that whole shady timeline issue" and Robby's Mom very seriously tries to convince JoJo that Robby is the real deal.


Mom then gets her chance with Robby, to fill him in on super important current events... otherwise known as what his ex's roommate has been gossiping about, which pleased Robby none because he has worked HARD at tricking JoJo and getting this far on the show so he could be totes famous...


Robby then interrupts JoJo's talk with his sisters to drive the point home again that he's here for the RIGHT REASONS, which leaves JoJo a bit on the confused side...

They have a little argument of sorts because JoJo just doesn't really believe him so Robby used the old "throw your ex under the bus" tactic to win her over.... telling her that his ex slapped him during a huge fight and that he is DONE with her and if she ever THINKS about contacting him again, well....

And since JoJo has the world's worst taste in men, she decided she loved this about Robby and that she's just gonna TRUST.


Moving on...

It's Luke's date in Texas!!! JoJo makes it clear that Luke NEEDS to express his love to her, because she is a Words of Affirmation girl, remember? And if she isn't told she is loved every 2.4 seconds, well...


Luke takes JoJo out to someone's house for just a nice little casual get-together of oh... you know... everyone in the universe. Except for Aaron Rodgers because seriously you guys... WHERE IS AARON??????

JoJo was a bit overwhelmed as the mob started swelling toward her..


Luke chats with his Mom and she tells him she can tell JoJo thinks highly of him. Well, silly Mom... you do realize your son's bag of tricks, don't you?

Luke gets a chance to talk to his Dad and ask him how he knew he wanted to marry his Mom. Well, his Dad didn't have producers or that fancy TV thing-ma-jig to guide him, but he just knew, and what a great choice he made in marrying her!


Luke is having trouble fully opening up to JoJo, but feels good about things and wants that next chapter. Whatever that chapter may be, might I add....


After a BBQ lunch Luke has a surprise for JoJo! Which really is more like a surprise from the producers because they just HAD to get THAT angle of her getting on her horse????

Good thing they paid for JoJo to get a bikini wax. Seriously though, this show sometimes...


They ride into the sunset, sit on some nicely decorated hay bales (because... Texas) and Luke still doesn't tell JoJo he loves her. But he does tell her he daydreams about her, and thankfully doesn't ask if she daydreams about him cuz he would have been sadly disappointed...


The remaining guys in the Herd assemble the next night for the Rose Ceremony, and they are all so nervous. For good reason. Since they will be getting on a jet immediately if they are given a rose, STAKES ARE HIGH.


JoJo has the hardest decision EVER to make, and feels like she needs to let go of Luke.... and she just feels SICK....


Luke senses something is off, and knows he is on the chopping block... if only there was something he could do to save himself???

He interrupts JoJo and takes her outside to finally tell her he is falling in love with her.... but is worried he waited too long, and said all the wrong things....


JoJo is sent into a tail spin of dramatic misery as she wanders around the tarmac in her fabulous gown, disparaging over the injustice of all her First World Problems...

What is a girl to do???

WHAT, I ask you... WHAT???

Does she let Luke go? What will the world do without his smoulder?? It's all too STRESSFUL!!

Tune in tonight guys! It's Fantasy Suite time, and I hear there is *gasp* drama!

The Bachelorette Ep.7- Heartbreak Hotel

Monday, July 18, 2016

Pack your bags, people.. time to check into Heartbreak Hotel!

Home of pretty much everyone not named Jordan or Luke... because as we wind down to Hometown Dates, JoJo feels like she needs more time with each guy, but can DEFINITELY say she's falling in love with "a few" of the guys....


The guys are leisurely lounging around Herd Condo, talking about how they can't believe both Alex and James stayed, because they are not named Jordan or Luke so why the hell is JoJo even like, remotely interested?? 

Alex, poor guy, was just SO confused....


You never know with that room service, man... he would have been better off finding a nearby Denny's and ordering a Moons Over Mi-Hammy or something like that. Breakfast is most important meal of the day, after all.. not worth the risk. 

Chris Harrison strolls into the room to earn his paycheck this week and informs the Herd that there will be three 1-on-1 dates that week, but with no roses handed out on them!!! What?? You cray, Chris Harrison! There is much on the line though, because four lucky dudes are gonna get to take JoJo home next week!


Stakes are high! There is a lot to lose in this game of love! Alex hasn't had the same time as the other guys and was so relieved when he got the first 1-on-1 date because he feels like a total black sheep...


The date turned out to be getting the pleasure of riding along with JoJo as they move to their next destination... and anyone who's ever road tripped before knows how AWESOME it is to ride for hours in a car while your sibling all over your shizz and violating your side of the car.

Somebody should have brought along Road Trip BINGO. Or break out a game of I Spy or SOMETHING... because #HolyAwkward

The other guys got stuck on The Magical Schoolbus and spent their time making up raps about JoJo and Alex, because apparently Miss Frizzle couldn't be bothered to entertain them. 


JoJo and Alex arrive at their date destination and talk about the droopy trees and have no chemistry what so-ever... so JoJo tries to spice things up and makes Alex wear traditional gaucho garb.... which kinda looked more like he was headed to a call-back audition for the off-Broadway version of An American Tale...


Meanwhile the guys stop for ummmm.... "lunch" (aka- hunks of indiscernible animal parts) and JorJor wasn't too thrilled since, he's like SUPER picky about his food...


Back at the date, JoJo and Fievel ride horses and chat about nothing, and JoJo tries to lose Fievel a few times but he keeps catching up to her... and they end up somewhere in Tijuana in a dark dive bar, watching some kind of animal performance they'd rather not have to try and un-see later...


Well at least if things with JoJo don't work out, Alex has options. That horse was pretty cuddly. 

Going into the night portion of the date JoJo was looking forward to really talking to Alex because she hadn't had the chance to ask him the really important questions yet, since she spent all day trying to lose him on the horse trail. Now she needs to KNOW some stuff....


The rest of the herd arrives at their sweet digs, and a date card comes, letting Jordan know he's got the next 1-on-1 date!!! He is READY and brought his clinical strength deodorant and everything!


Back on the date, Alex is feeling desperate and pulls out the big guns and tells JoJo EXACTLY what she wanted to hear... that he has fallen in love with her. 


And JoJo just couldn't stomach that... because she had a great day with him, and loves seeing him so expressive and totally loves to lead him on and touch him a lot and get him all kinds of excited... BUT.... he ain't Captain Swoopy Hair or Mr. Smoulder, so... he gots-ta-go...

JoJo basically pushes him outside into an awaiting car and sends him off with a pat on his head.

Bye, Alex...

The next day, speaking of Captain Swoopy Hair....

JorJor gets ready for his date and prays that the weather will cooperate so he doesn't have an incident with his swoop like Pinky Pie did.


JoJo and JorJor fly on a private jet and basically join the Mile High Club on the way to their day of grape stomping and wine tasting and soft core porn auditioning...


JoJo feels so strongly for Jordan and sees a life of "fun and love" with him... along with a life of paranoia... 

....because *gasp* Jordan may be here FOR THE WRONG REASONS....

Yes, there are rumors Jordan kept his dating app accounts active while going on this show... leading some to think maybe he didn't go on the show to find love???? WTF??? If this show isn't about love, then WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO???? What, do these people just go on here to get FAMOUS or something?

Love is dead, people. You heard it here first. 

Anyways... on to what is undoubtedly the most amazing thing that happened the entire show...

Wrestling kittens!!!

And can we discuss this fake duck decoy, please? What do you use a duck decoy for, just standing around like that? Are they trying to lure other ducks to it? Or is it like a scarecrow and is supposed to scare off some other animal.... and if so, what animal is scared of a duck? SO. MANY. QUESTIONS.


Back at Herd Condo, Luke and Chase are forced by producers to sit and talk about how Jordan is a front runner just because of who his brother is. I mean, so what if Jordan will have Hollywood connections because his brother is dating an actress, or because he'll have box seats to the Super Bowl???? I mean, what does THAT have to do with JoJo liking him, right???

I personally prefer the Puppy Bowl... that's the true entertainment, right there.

Speaking of puppies... there is a thing called Puppy Love... and ladies and gentlemen, I give you Exhibit A:

Otherwise known as the "I don't care what they say about you, I wanna get in your pants so bad I'll just ignore all the red flags" look... commonly seen in early relationships and amongst women with bad taste in men.

JoJo asks Jordan how he's feeling about Hometown Dates coming up and Jordan does the whole "awe shucks... I'm kinda shy and innocent 'bout the whole thing cuz I haven't brought a lady home in YEARS" bit....


They talk about what family members JoJo would meet and Jordan says his oldest brother Luke, his parents and....well, his "other" brother wouldn't be there... after JoJo non-convincingly tries to pretend she doesn't remember that famous brother's name ("Lol... who? what was his name? Adam? Amos? Oh... Aaron. That's right. Mr. Oliva Munn. Famous quarterback. Oh, HIM.. that's right. LOL") she also tries to pretend it doesn't get her panties in a wad that The Famous Brother won't be there.


But Jordan totally redeems himself by telling JoJo he has fallen in love with her, and she's like "errmahgawd!!!! You LURVE me???" and she's all happy and somewhat forgives him for not having a relationship with his Famous Brother.

Almost. The drama next week seems to be surrounded by how NOT OK JoJo is with Jordan's lack of relationship with said brother.

Moving on to the group date the next day... oy. These "group" dates that are only made up of three contestants are always a bit weird.. James isn't letting that kill his vibe though, he's READY....


The rain killed whatever plans the group had for the day, so instead they just stayed in the hotel and ate food and played games. JoJo liked this idea because she always likes to sample the local cuisine when she's traveling...


Speaking of French Fries, some producer got a cash bonus for convincing James that stuffing 4 dozen fries in his mouth at once was the way to really woo JoJo...

And some other producer got a free day off on top of a cash bonus for convincing Robby to do "whatever" JoJo dares him to do during a game of Truth Or Dare...


The day was winding down and JoJo and her Herd all climbed into bed together to watch the Argentinian version of The Bachelor and just relax and stuff...

What does she expect? Does she not know what happens when a man "relaxes"?????


Robby takes JoJo outside to have a serious talk with her about his past relationship and how he was with her for 3 years, but only saw her house once, and how there were SOOOOOOO many reasons why he had to break up with her at the last second...

When Robby said he and the last girlfriend broke up over Christmas, you can see JoJo do some quick mental math.... 

breakup over Christmas + final casting for the show happens a few weeks later + Robby may have been in the works to be on the show while still dating last girlfriend + is in love with JoJo only a few months after he ends a 3 year relationship = Robby is up to no good.

She then gets some time with Chase and he makes a joke about how he's had a 1-on-1, a 2-on-1, is now on a 3-on-1 and wants to know what comes after that??


Last but not least (well, actually last and definitely least) JoJo takes to James and tells him he like, has ALL the qualities she wants in a partner. Well, almost all the qualities....


Poor James is in love and JoJo is just trying to figure out if she has any single friends she can shove James' way instead... 

While waiting around for the group date rose to be given out, the guys talk about if they think they are front runners or not and Robby gets pretty aggressive over the whole topic, because his emotions confirm that he's the front runner.. which doesn't set well with James.


Since JoJo damn near salivates anytime a man shows aggression, or prickish-like behavior though, she rewards Robby's cockiness with the group date rose...

And James and Chase are booted out of the hotel room so JoJo and Robby can catch up on some tonsil hockey games, and feel all the sads as they head back to Herd Condo....


The next day JoJo meets up with Luke for the last 1-on-1 date this week....

Neal- Look at their shirts. They're the same. He's even showing cleavage
Me- yeah, he kinda is.
Neal- Seriously. They are the same shirt. Look at them. Same size and everything.
Me- No, his is a chambray shirt and hers is plaid. Totes different.


They ride horses and JoJo is impressed with Luke's knowledge on saddling and breaking horses... because that trust is just the same as what you need in a relationship....

After horse riding, they do some skeet shooting and surprising no one, Luke was a total bad ass at it and was basically like bam-bam-bam, hitting every skeet that came his way.


Guys, if the Zombie Apocalypse really happens we're all gonna go find Luke and hide on his farm and he'll protect us, ok?

JoJo and Luke talk about their future too, and how this feels so real to them. He wants to know what those unwritten chapters will be with her. He doesn't have a plan for the future but that's ok, because she does...

Sounds like a pretty solid plan... I mean, fame lasts forever, doesn't it??? 

Luke swaggers back to Herd Condo and everyone is surprised to see him so soon. Luke tells the other guys they are all going straight into a rose ceremony and panic ensues at the last minute warning...


With basically no time to spare (James even shows up with wet hair because he barely had time for a shower)... JoJo launches into a very moving speech about how this is so hard for her, and how she'd be lucky to be with any of the guys, and blah blah blah...

Neal- Good speech. You get an 'A' in Public Speaking

Yeah but did she make a collage to share with the class? Now a collage...that's project gold, people.

James sadly is the guy that gets sent home, and JoJo is SO SORRY because he touched her heart in so many ways. But she's looking for someone who will touch her lady parts too, not just her heart, so James just wasn't gonna cut it......

And James is sent off to find and collaborate with that other "Taylor" person and put all that heartbreak into a hit song....



And there we have it!

Leading us into hometown dates we have:

-Smouldering Luke!
-Cocky Robby!
-Captain Swoopy Hair!
-Mathematician Chase!

I can't wait to see all these guys' families and what kind of crazy will come out of the woodwork!

Make sure to watch tonight!