The Bachelor Recap Week 1- Let the Games Begin!

Alright ladies... did you watch last night?

How many of you have sore eyes this morning from all the eye-rolling? (raises hand). 

Oh, this show... such a spectacular mix of attention whoring, emotional instability, unrealistic expectations and drunken shenanigans. 

#LikeEveryGoodRelationshipShouldBe

Let's recap!

The first episode is a bit hard because not much actually happens yet a lot happens.. we meet the guy, we meet the girls.. they mingle... yada yada...so many things could be said... so I had to focus on just some of the highlights.

First, let's talk Ben. 

Poor Ben. His first kiss broke up with him that very night, he has to go visit his old elementary school to fight off boredom #SmallTownProbs... and no one wants to play basketball on the side of the barn with him.

He is afraid he's unlovable and that he won't be what the girls are looking for...

Well, hate to break it to ya, Ben... but they are REALLY looking for a 3-carat diamond sparkler, magazine covers, Instagram fame and TV hosting gigs.... so....

#You'reSecondFiddle

Ben gets all ready to start his journey by doing the obligatory lovelorn gazing out into the distance, the humble "I can't believe this is happening" comments and fierce determination that "he is sure he'll find his wife."

Sure ya will...until you both get kinda famous-ish and something better comes along.

So to help him get pumped up, past Bachelors Jason, Sean and Chris come to have a little guy chat and sweat buckets through their shirts.

Chris seemed a little confused as to why he was there...since he wasn't exactly a "successful" Bachelor...

Sean and Jason talked about getting to know the girls, making them comfortable.. how it can be worth it in the end... and then there was good ol' Prince Farming.

#Strategy

Next up were the girls' intro videos!

We really get to see who these girls are in these videos... because guys... it's such REAL LIFE. I mean, we all frolic in the sand in our tiny bikinis and lean against dock pillars while contemplating hard things in life.. I mean, don't we all just love our chickens SO MUCH and pop out from behind trees because we're twinsies???

#TypicalDay

And Caila?

Breaking up with her boyfriend because she saw Ben on TV and got butterflies?

#TotallyNormalThingToDo

I am quite confused then... how are my parents still married?? Because ever since my Mom saw Val Kilmer in the movie Willow... well.. I don't know how he's not my famous step-dad now and buying me all kinds of designer things and what-not.

Anyways...that brings us to the limo exits! The driveway was wet and glistening like usual and the girls...the girls were like a Miss America dream on LSD...

Thank you Rose Head chick for making the entire nation think Portlanders are weird.

Only some of us are.

And mostly on every 3rd Sunday of the month and during special occasions, like the Naked Bike Ride.

Other than that we are so normal.

#totes

Then there are the ones who think violence is the answer... sweetie... you need some Mother Theresa in your life or something...

See how Ben looks confused here? I think he is actually frightened for his life... not only is he realizing he will never get a big ol' pasketti and garlic bread dinner with this chick, but what she does to objects that are shaped like a body part he holds dear is a little scary.

Poor Leah... she got stuck with the part of the "athletic" girl who's all like "Oh I'm so totally athletic.. like I watch the Olympics and stuff...I'll do this football thing and it will so totally impress him."

Yay sports!!!... do the things, score the points. Ra-Ra-Ra!! Throw the ball to the person who does the something-or-other...Is this where we clap now?

Yes I'm sure she's athletic.

All the while, Ben is having a GREAT time meeting all these fine gals...

#Don'tShowFear
#TheyCanSmellFear

And meanwhile, inside...

Back out on the wet driveway, more future stalkers wives come out of the limos...

It was so sweet of Jackie to invite Ben to his own wedding... I mean, I have a feeling she would have had the wedding anyways, with or without him...sobbing as she shoveled cake in her face to help forget the dreams she once had...

He said it was "smooth"... which translates into "I gotta go sh** my pants right now"

There WERE some nice normal entrances at least... I don't know why girls don't watch and learn from past seasons... easy breezy and a killer dress, ladies. That's all you need.

Well, and you do need to speak English, I guess. That might help, you know.. to actually have the guy you are trying to capture fall in love with understand what you are talking about.

Once all the limos were emptied and the ladies good and liquored.. time for Ben to say his speech about amazing things, and this journey, and being hopeful, and rainbows and pretty things and I hope you all got like 10,000 new Instagram followers tonight and all that jazz. 

Rose Head chick ain't taking this lying down though, she shoved the pony aside and stole Ben before he could even finish his speech!

I KNOW. 

I JUST.CAN'T.EVEN. either!!!

Ben does his whole thing with the girls... chatting and talking about all the surface level things you expect to talk about at a first meeting.. you know.. how many kids they want, her ring size, How long until they can be alone in the Fantasy Suite.. whether they will get a dog or a cat or maybe some goats out in the country? Wouldn't that be quaint!

Then the show decided to give us all a twist and bring in Becca and Amber from Prince Farming's season!!

Because nothing screams desperation more than being rejected on a TV dating show and going back on said TV dating show AGAIN to give it the ol' college try!

Plus Becca's publicist said she didn't capitalize on the whole virgin thing enough the first time around.. so...

#LetTheGamesBegin

Lace, who is going to be like, the BEST person ever on this show... isn't super thrilled by these two new contestants vying for Ben's heart.

Lace is like, so over the whole thing.

She made him CLOSE HIS EYES, damn it.. and gave him a dry grandma KISS ON THE LIPS, damn it.. and she is like HIS WOMAN, damn it...

And there are other women talking to HER man and those 6 bottles of wine just ain't warming her up like a real kiss from Ben would... so she lurks around and finds Ben and puts him in the most un-awkward situation of all time.

#Yes

And it was ABOUT to happen, damn it... if that Rose Head chick hadn't STOLEN Ben right before she was about to attack his face, damn it....

Lace has just been all kinds of wronged, guys. Where is the justice in this world??

But the bright side is...

We have ourselves this season's villain!!!

And she is going to ROCK it.

Then....

*cue dramatic music*

Chris Harrison slides into the room and just needs to "leave something right here"....

Gasp! Clutch the pearls!

The First Impression rose!!

SO important guys, because whoever gets this very coveted rose gets to become the season's "they all hate me and aren't nice to me in the house and I don't know why because I'm so nice to them and I'm going to cry on your shoulder Ben" girl.

The rose goes to Olivia, who (like Taylor Swift) was SO SURPRISED she won!

She left her job to be here... to come on this show.. you know "for him"...*cough cough- I hear this show feeds right into hosting gigs on E!News and Dancing With the Stars appearances-cough cough*

And Lace is just sitting there all SAD, damn it... because her man gave that rose to someone else, damn it...

#MoreWinepPlease

Then after all the man-stealing and schmoozing and wine chugging... it's

Rose Ceremony time!!!!

The ladies are a jumble of emotions... feeling so many feels right now, they like, can't handle it... is he going to say my name?

Poor Samantha wants him to call her name so bad she doesn't care if he says Sam or Samantha or any name! Just call a name, Ben... call a name!

Well, she can rest easy because he does call her name... but others weren't so lucky...

#SorryCowgirl

Maybe it was the horse?? I mean, what do you do in that situation? Talk to her? Talk to the horse? Try and ride him? Ask her to rope 'em? I mean, it's just too much.

Not to mention the horse was all over the place just being a menace and stepping and dresses and shamelessly flirting.

Ben was down to the final rose... and of course it goes to Lace..

Gotta keep that TV gold around for awhile!!!

Even though it did seem by the way he put his hands to his face immediately after, he regretted his decision.. I don't know why, she's a lovely young lady..

Lace though, isn't happy she got a rose...

She is MAD, damn it... because they ALMOST KISSED, damn it... and he won't even LOOK AT HER, damn it...

So she does what any sensible person would do. She steals him away and start interrogating him harder than the CIA.

That's the key to any man's heart... make him answer the difficult questions.."Do you even want me here?"

Put him in awkward situations and accuse him of thinking other girls are better and/or prettier "Do you like the other girls more?"

Let him know you are watching his every step.. guys like that kind of security. And give them facts. They can't argue with cold, clear facts: "You didn't even look at me, I know, because I was looking at you and you wouldn't even look at me"

And then Ben uttered the most intelligent thing I heard all evening...

#NailedIt

All the while, our illustrious host Chris Harrison is just sitting back, taking it all end and watching it crash and burn....

That's it for Week 1!

Whew!!! My first recap.. let me know what you think of the show and the recap... these are harder than I expected to put together.. there are just so many things about this show I could go on and on about.. I'd love some feedback before next week!

Till then, dahlings!