The Bachelorette Ep.7- Heartbreak Hotel

Monday, July 18, 2016

Pack your bags, people.. time to check into Heartbreak Hotel!

Home of pretty much everyone not named Jordan or Luke... because as we wind down to Hometown Dates, JoJo feels like she needs more time with each guy, but can DEFINITELY say she's falling in love with "a few" of the guys....


The guys are leisurely lounging around Herd Condo, talking about how they can't believe both Alex and James stayed, because they are not named Jordan or Luke so why the hell is JoJo even like, remotely interested?? 

Alex, poor guy, was just SO confused....


You never know with that room service, man... he would have been better off finding a nearby Denny's and ordering a Moons Over Mi-Hammy or something like that. Breakfast is most important meal of the day, after all.. not worth the risk. 

Chris Harrison strolls into the room to earn his paycheck this week and informs the Herd that there will be three 1-on-1 dates that week, but with no roses handed out on them!!! What?? You cray, Chris Harrison! There is much on the line though, because four lucky dudes are gonna get to take JoJo home next week!


Stakes are high! There is a lot to lose in this game of love! Alex hasn't had the same time as the other guys and was so relieved when he got the first 1-on-1 date because he feels like a total black sheep...


The date turned out to be getting the pleasure of riding along with JoJo as they move to their next destination... and anyone who's ever road tripped before knows how AWESOME it is to ride for hours in a car while your sibling all over your shizz and violating your side of the car.

Somebody should have brought along Road Trip BINGO. Or break out a game of I Spy or SOMETHING... because #HolyAwkward

The other guys got stuck on The Magical Schoolbus and spent their time making up raps about JoJo and Alex, because apparently Miss Frizzle couldn't be bothered to entertain them. 


JoJo and Alex arrive at their date destination and talk about the droopy trees and have no chemistry what so-ever... so JoJo tries to spice things up and makes Alex wear traditional gaucho garb.... which kinda looked more like he was headed to a call-back audition for the off-Broadway version of An American Tale...


Meanwhile the guys stop for ummmm.... "lunch" (aka- hunks of indiscernible animal parts) and JorJor wasn't too thrilled since, he's like SUPER picky about his food...


Back at the date, JoJo and Fievel ride horses and chat about nothing, and JoJo tries to lose Fievel a few times but he keeps catching up to her... and they end up somewhere in Tijuana in a dark dive bar, watching some kind of animal performance they'd rather not have to try and un-see later...


Well at least if things with JoJo don't work out, Alex has options. That horse was pretty cuddly. 

Going into the night portion of the date JoJo was looking forward to really talking to Alex because she hadn't had the chance to ask him the really important questions yet, since she spent all day trying to lose him on the horse trail. Now she needs to KNOW some stuff....


The rest of the herd arrives at their sweet digs, and a date card comes, letting Jordan know he's got the next 1-on-1 date!!! He is READY and brought his clinical strength deodorant and everything!


Back on the date, Alex is feeling desperate and pulls out the big guns and tells JoJo EXACTLY what she wanted to hear... that he has fallen in love with her. 


And JoJo just couldn't stomach that... because she had a great day with him, and loves seeing him so expressive and totally loves to lead him on and touch him a lot and get him all kinds of excited... BUT.... he ain't Captain Swoopy Hair or Mr. Smoulder, so... he gots-ta-go...

JoJo basically pushes him outside into an awaiting car and sends him off with a pat on his head.

Bye, Alex...

The next day, speaking of Captain Swoopy Hair....

JorJor gets ready for his date and prays that the weather will cooperate so he doesn't have an incident with his swoop like Pinky Pie did.


JoJo and JorJor fly on a private jet and basically join the Mile High Club on the way to their day of grape stomping and wine tasting and soft core porn auditioning...


JoJo feels so strongly for Jordan and sees a life of "fun and love" with him... along with a life of paranoia... 

....because *gasp* Jordan may be here FOR THE WRONG REASONS....

Yes, there are rumors Jordan kept his dating app accounts active while going on this show... leading some to think maybe he didn't go on the show to find love???? WTF??? If this show isn't about love, then WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO???? What, do these people just go on here to get FAMOUS or something?

Love is dead, people. You heard it here first. 

Anyways... on to what is undoubtedly the most amazing thing that happened the entire show...

Wrestling kittens!!!

And can we discuss this fake duck decoy, please? What do you use a duck decoy for, just standing around like that? Are they trying to lure other ducks to it? Or is it like a scarecrow and is supposed to scare off some other animal.... and if so, what animal is scared of a duck? SO. MANY. QUESTIONS.


Back at Herd Condo, Luke and Chase are forced by producers to sit and talk about how Jordan is a front runner just because of who his brother is. I mean, so what if Jordan will have Hollywood connections because his brother is dating an actress, or because he'll have box seats to the Super Bowl???? I mean, what does THAT have to do with JoJo liking him, right???

I personally prefer the Puppy Bowl... that's the true entertainment, right there.

Speaking of puppies... there is a thing called Puppy Love... and ladies and gentlemen, I give you Exhibit A:

Otherwise known as the "I don't care what they say about you, I wanna get in your pants so bad I'll just ignore all the red flags" look... commonly seen in early relationships and amongst women with bad taste in men.

JoJo asks Jordan how he's feeling about Hometown Dates coming up and Jordan does the whole "awe shucks... I'm kinda shy and innocent 'bout the whole thing cuz I haven't brought a lady home in YEARS" bit....


They talk about what family members JoJo would meet and Jordan says his oldest brother Luke, his parents and....well, his "other" brother wouldn't be there... after JoJo non-convincingly tries to pretend she doesn't remember that famous brother's name ("Lol... who? what was his name? Adam? Amos? Oh... Aaron. That's right. Mr. Oliva Munn. Famous quarterback. Oh, HIM.. that's right. LOL") she also tries to pretend it doesn't get her panties in a wad that The Famous Brother won't be there.


But Jordan totally redeems himself by telling JoJo he has fallen in love with her, and she's like "errmahgawd!!!! You LURVE me???" and she's all happy and somewhat forgives him for not having a relationship with his Famous Brother.

Almost. The drama next week seems to be surrounded by how NOT OK JoJo is with Jordan's lack of relationship with said brother.

Moving on to the group date the next day... oy. These "group" dates that are only made up of three contestants are always a bit weird.. James isn't letting that kill his vibe though, he's READY....


The rain killed whatever plans the group had for the day, so instead they just stayed in the hotel and ate food and played games. JoJo liked this idea because she always likes to sample the local cuisine when she's traveling...


Speaking of French Fries, some producer got a cash bonus for convincing James that stuffing 4 dozen fries in his mouth at once was the way to really woo JoJo...

And some other producer got a free day off on top of a cash bonus for convincing Robby to do "whatever" JoJo dares him to do during a game of Truth Or Dare...


The day was winding down and JoJo and her Herd all climbed into bed together to watch the Argentinian version of The Bachelor and just relax and stuff...

What does she expect? Does she not know what happens when a man "relaxes"?????


Robby takes JoJo outside to have a serious talk with her about his past relationship and how he was with her for 3 years, but only saw her house once, and how there were SOOOOOOO many reasons why he had to break up with her at the last second...

When Robby said he and the last girlfriend broke up over Christmas, you can see JoJo do some quick mental math.... 

breakup over Christmas + final casting for the show happens a few weeks later + Robby may have been in the works to be on the show while still dating last girlfriend + is in love with JoJo only a few months after he ends a 3 year relationship = Robby is up to no good.

She then gets some time with Chase and he makes a joke about how he's had a 1-on-1, a 2-on-1, is now on a 3-on-1 and wants to know what comes after that??


Last but not least (well, actually last and definitely least) JoJo takes to James and tells him he like, has ALL the qualities she wants in a partner. Well, almost all the qualities....


Poor James is in love and JoJo is just trying to figure out if she has any single friends she can shove James' way instead... 

While waiting around for the group date rose to be given out, the guys talk about if they think they are front runners or not and Robby gets pretty aggressive over the whole topic, because his emotions confirm that he's the front runner.. which doesn't set well with James.


Since JoJo damn near salivates anytime a man shows aggression, or prickish-like behavior though, she rewards Robby's cockiness with the group date rose...

And James and Chase are booted out of the hotel room so JoJo and Robby can catch up on some tonsil hockey games, and feel all the sads as they head back to Herd Condo....


The next day JoJo meets up with Luke for the last 1-on-1 date this week....

Neal- Look at their shirts. They're the same. He's even showing cleavage
Me- yeah, he kinda is.
Neal- Seriously. They are the same shirt. Look at them. Same size and everything.
Me- No, his is a chambray shirt and hers is plaid. Totes different.


They ride horses and JoJo is impressed with Luke's knowledge on saddling and breaking horses... because that trust is just the same as what you need in a relationship....

After horse riding, they do some skeet shooting and surprising no one, Luke was a total bad ass at it and was basically like bam-bam-bam, hitting every skeet that came his way.


Guys, if the Zombie Apocalypse really happens we're all gonna go find Luke and hide on his farm and he'll protect us, ok?

JoJo and Luke talk about their future too, and how this feels so real to them. He wants to know what those unwritten chapters will be with her. He doesn't have a plan for the future but that's ok, because she does...

Sounds like a pretty solid plan... I mean, fame lasts forever, doesn't it??? 

Luke swaggers back to Herd Condo and everyone is surprised to see him so soon. Luke tells the other guys they are all going straight into a rose ceremony and panic ensues at the last minute warning...


With basically no time to spare (James even shows up with wet hair because he barely had time for a shower)... JoJo launches into a very moving speech about how this is so hard for her, and how she'd be lucky to be with any of the guys, and blah blah blah...

Neal- Good speech. You get an 'A' in Public Speaking

Yeah but did she make a collage to share with the class? Now a collage...that's project gold, people.

James sadly is the guy that gets sent home, and JoJo is SO SORRY because he touched her heart in so many ways. But she's looking for someone who will touch her lady parts too, not just her heart, so James just wasn't gonna cut it......

And James is sent off to find and collaborate with that other "Taylor" person and put all that heartbreak into a hit song....



And there we have it!

Leading us into hometown dates we have:

-Smouldering Luke!
-Cocky Robby!
-Captain Swoopy Hair!
-Mathematician Chase!

I can't wait to see all these guys' families and what kind of crazy will come out of the woodwork!

Make sure to watch tonight!


  1. I'm excited for home towns!! I just can't see her ending up with Robbie and even Luke I'm not so sure of, but Jordon would just be a mistake so I'm guessing she'll end up alone, LOL.

    I was happy to see Alex go, he bothered me!

  2. hahaha this is hilarious! i don't watch the bachelorette, but i love your captions. and of course, the wrestling kittens are too cute but wtf is up with that fake duck!

  3. Hahahaha, what IS up with that fake duck?? I didn't notice that nor did I notice the wrestling kittens. Apparently I'm paying attention to all the wrong things! I'm so excited for home towns, though! I can't believe it's almost over... WAAAAHHHH!!!!

  4. I couldn't believe how puppy dog eyed Jojo was over Jordan. So bad. And tasting the smashed grapes after their feet were on them. Gross. Love this recap. I can't wait for hometowns tonight.

  5. haha, I just love these, thanks! The captions, every time, yes!

  6. True or False: I just read this out loud to my husband.

    True and he says you are a genius. I agree!

  7. I don't even know where to start... I feel like Jojo, God love her, has the WORST taste!! What's with women and the bad guys? Okay, so I totally did my time in that phase but for reals...

  8. The captions are hilarious. Also this makes me super sad that I didn't watch this season. :(


Share the Joy!!!! And thanks for stopping by!!!! I will respond to each comment, but I won't be able to if you are a no-reply commenter!! xoxo