The Bachelor Episode 8- Things Are Getting REAL

Wednesday, February 24, 2016

Monday's episode is brought to you by the word "REAL."

As in.. things are getting real. 
Feelings are real. 
Relationships are real. 
Future proposals will be real.
Amanda is screwed for real. 
Lauren is winning for real. 
Caila is a Disney Princess for real. 
JoJo's brothers are in the mob for real. 

So much realness. 

Let's begin!

Ben can't believe he is down to.... 5 women? 4? He started with 27... no, 28.. wait, how many? Lemme get my shoes off here real quick so I can keep counting on my toes...

Whatever. He's down to just a small harem now and it's time to get REAL and meet these girl's families!

First up is Amanda in Laguna Beach, CA. 

She and Ben meet on a beach (soooooo Californian of them) and Amanda fills Ben in on the personalities of her kids... Kinsley is sassy, Charlie is shy... and America wonders how the heck Ben squeezed himself into those shorts. 

Amanda is understandably nervous.. she's about to unleash two toddlers onto her potential future 3rd Baby Daddy and she needs to see him with the girls to know if she's in love or not. 

The girls arrive in their oh-so-practical-for-the-sand gladiator sandals and long cardigans and Amanda rushes off to kiss them while Ben lets the seriousness of the moment sink in.

The girls are a bit wary of this strange guy all up in their business and it takes some convincing to get them to play nice for the cameras and frolic in the sand like a Happy Family commercial. 

Ben thinks the whole date goes great, and his feelings are much stronger for Amanda after playing Daddy for the day... well, somewhat stronger... but not THAT strong.

Amanda and Ben leave with two very tired cranky young 'uns... one of who starts crying in the car and I immediately feel for their ear drums because.... #ThatIsMyLife

Ben is super pleased to finally be at Amanda's parents and get some relief from all that exhausting parenting.

Ben rightly assumes that Amanda's family is going to be protective of her because of her less than awesome ex-husband... they don't need no repeat of that deadbeat, ya know?

Amanda's Mom drills Ben about how there is a lot of responsibility with parenting, and asks him if he's ready for that responsibility. Having kids ain't easy.

Amanda asks her Mom is she can see her and Ben together, and her Mom gives her the very reassuring answer of "eventually." 

Poor Amanda.. she had kids so young.. high hopes of having a family and was embarrassed by her divorce. Her focus has been on her kids and she just wants to have some fun and be young and date a bit.. and for that, I don't blame her. 

It definitely seems like they are setting us up to really feel bad for Amanda.. I is she ever going to find someone? Especially with her ex going on the record saying he'd LOVE to have the chance to be on the Bachelorette... cause, you know.. he's such a catch and all. 
If you don't believe me, HERE is the article. He's totes all in for going on the show.

Ben and Amanda's Dad have a chat about... shocker... the responsibility that comes along with having kids. He tells Ben that there is a big difference between wanting kids and the reality of actually having kids. 

Just to make things a little more REAL (cause this is such a real scenario, you know...) Ben reads the girls a totally legit fairy tale. 
Can't wait for the Disney/Pixar version of that tale. 

The next date was with Lauren in Portland OR!!! Can I get a "what what!!!" for MY town?!?!?!?!

And can we get a Production Assistant to help a sista out when her bra is just hanging out like a hair in a biscuit?!?!?!? Come on!!!!

Lauren and Ben walk around downtown Portland and check out Pioneer Square, which is full of statues and quirky signs because Portland is weird and we love that we are weird and YEAH PORTLAND!!!

Thankfully Lauren didn't take Ben on a date for what Portland is most infamous for.... strip clubs. Yep. I kid you not... We have the most strip clubs per capita than any other city.... but since Ben already saw Lauren's bra peek out and almost lost it, they decided on Portland's fun street side food carts instead!

True story.. there is a cart that sells grilled cheese burgers... with a whole grilled cheese as the top bun, a whole grilled cheese as the bottom bun, and a burger in the middle. 

Greasy burgers and strippers... 

Who wants to come to Portland????

Lauren then takes Ben to a cool whiskey library... or is is li-berry??? One of the great mysteries of pronunciation...

They cuddle and talk about how she's content with him, even when they don't talk.. and how he was nervous she was going to miss home and leave early in the process. His feelings are starting to be so REAL for her, but there are still some uncertainties in their relationship.

It's all or nothing for Lauren as they go to meet her family. Her cute sister Mollie pulls Ben away for an oh-so-natural-not-staged-at-all  interview chat and wants to ask ALL THE QUESTIONS.

She wants to know how Lauren is supposed to know he's into her (by how he shoves his tongue down her throat) and how she's supposed to know he's not saying all the same things to the other girls (trust me, he is).. and Ben says all the right things about commitment, falling in love, REALNESS, connection.. all that good crap.

And just for good measure, our ol' Benny Boy turns on the waterworks and starts crying!! He just feels SO lucky to know Lauren (and her lace bra) and JUST CAN'T EVEN with his feelings. 

Lauren also talks with her sister, and starts crying as well... because Ben is her person... her lobster... she was meant to be with him... and finally found "the one" after a WHOLE MONTH of being single... and I mean, the STRUGGLE.

Ben gets his turn with Lauren's Dad and he wants to know how many women there are left? Why is his little LoLo different? How could he feel like it's love in such a short amount of time... it's just....

And all I could think of was...
Am I right, or am I right?? 

Or am I RIGHT???

I'm so right..


Our little LoLo (not to be mistaken with JoJo but should totally pair up with her to form a pop group called JoJo and LoLo A GoGo) tells her Dad that Ben is exactly who she wants to be with, and even though her Dad reminds her there are still 3 other girls.. she's ain't sweatin'

The third hometown is in a magical land of cute downtowns and Autumn leaves.. where Princesses skip down the lane gathering flowers and singing with woodland creature friends...
Otherwise known as Hudson, OH.

Caila bounces along as she takes Ben to her $35,000 a year private high school (true, I read an article) and pointed out a swing that all the cool couples used to make out on. She never got that chance back in high school and since we are all just wounded creatures who need to feel validation from things that wronged us in high school, she slurped Ben's lips on the bench. 

Oh... high school love. People in my high school didn't make out in public like that. They had decency and at least found an empty parking lot or parked under a bridge by the river or something. 

Get a room, guys. 

Next on their magical journey toward love (aka- Caila's to-a-T-perfect Bachelorette audition) they visit the factory of Step2 toys, where her Daddy dearest is CEO. 

Caila tells them they are going to design and build a house (giggle) and that she picked blue (giggle) for the roof (hair flip) cause Ben's favorite color is blue (giggle). 

Their relationship is SO REAL y'all. 

I went to Young Life camp my Junior year and the counselors told us it was off limits to "make purple"... you know, boys are blue and girls are pink.... hint hint. 

Jasmine, I mean... Caila and her prince then don hard hats and go into the factory to make their little dream house a reality.

And end the date with Ben swooping Caila into his arms, and carrying her off into the sunset...

As the hard working factory employees wonder if they are going to get overtime for coming in and pretending to work.

Neal tidbit: "the working class of America has to watch this??? They don't want to see the CEO's daughter running around making out. Ain't nobody got time for that." 

Isn't my hubby the best??

Caila and Ben skip off to Caila's parent's MANSION (her dad is not only the CEO of Step2, but the former VP of New Balance, and a few other large companies... #MoneyAintNoThang) and hear all about how Caila is Filipino, and they are going to eat Filipino food, and how he would be marrying into the Filipino culture.. and a bunch of other stuff to remind us that ABC hinted that the next Bachelorette could be "non-Caucasian"... 

All while Ben is just wondering what they use for toilet paper. 

Caila's Dad was on pins and needles to meet him, and then just puts it out there and asks Ben how his "microwave" fame is going...

Ben then learns from Caila's Mom that Caila is single because she hasn't met anyone that lives up to her standards and expectations yet... translation: she's high maintenance and hasn't met anyone rich enough to satisfy her yet.

Then as I paused the show and picked up my phone to take the next picture I realized I had accidentally flipped the screen of the camera... so there ya go.

Back to the date.. Caila and her Dad have a super secretive conversation and Caila whispers to him "Daddy, this is it." and gets all weepy and flips her tail about and then hugs Flounder to help her not be so sad...

Her Dad says he prays this is it for her too.. while her Mom offers up a little more practical advice on how to bag a man....

The date ends and Caila really wants to tell Ben how REAL her feelings are and that she loves him, but the moment isn't quite right... so off he goes into the night and she's left to, well... 

The last date is with JoJo in Dallas, TX! 

JoJo walks up to some random house (is it hers? a hotel? who knows?) and sees flowers were left on the doorstep. On the very day she has a 1-on-1 with Ben while she's on a national TV dating show. 

How very weird. 

She thinks they are from Ben, but starts to read the card and gets all "oh HELLS NO!!!" when she realizes it's from her ex-boyfriend, who I'm assuming she dumped based on his very feminine hand writing alone.

I'm sorry, but that is just not a dude's handwriting... me smells something fishy, like producer intervention, going on here...

JoJo does what she is scripted to do, and calls her ex to be like "what's the deal yo?? I moved on, you cheated and I'm on TV and Instagram famous now and PEACE" while he just called.... to say.....

Ben arrives while JoJo is in tears and he wants to know what the heck happened???

She tells him what happened, and that she called her ex to put an end to this nonsense, she's the happiest she's ever been, and that her feelings are with him, and not elsewhere. 

Ben believes her and they leave to go meet her family... or as he states "his potential future in-laws" and he's READY.

What happened next can only be described as bizarre and slightly icky. 

The lovebirds arrive in a cloud of excitement and booze and flowers....

And JoJo's family literally crushes her in a big hug, while her brother tries to attack her face... all the while she's trying to get them to meet Ben but they are too busy screaming and pawing at her. 

JoJo's Mom is a GEM and asks Ben why he is attracted to her... what sets JoJo apart???

Ben chats with two thugs, I mean... JoJo's really really really possessive brothers who are not AT ALL thrilled they have competition for the attention of their sister who they are REALLY REALLY REALLY attached to.

The brothers demand that if things progress, that Ben moves to Dallas to be near JoJo because they are just REALLY REALLY attached to her, and they WANT to like Ben, they just can't.

Meanwhile, JoJo and her Mom are talking, and JoJo confesses she doesn't want to get hurt, and that it's hard to fall with 3 other girls still in the running. JoJo's Mom (aka- the voice of reason) assures her that she won't get hurt because she's beautiful... yeah, because THAT'S ACCURATE. 

Ben gets a chance to talk to Dr. Phil, I mean... JoJo's Dad... and he wants to know how Ben is going to prove to JoJo that she can trust him.

Sorry, I had to, it was just too good to pass up....
Ben is REALLY listening and taking this all in, because his feelings have grown with JoJo and are REAL now.

Back to Tweedle-Dee and Tweedle-Dum... who are now accosting JoJo and asking her how she could possibly be in love with a guy after two dates?? And that she needs to keep her heart guarded.. and if she needed some help with that... well, she knew who to call.

JoJo is a bit pissed at the Bros and wants them to open up and embrace this, to let it work... and to stop fumigating the house with their man-scent. This ain't Jersey Shore, y'all...

Ben walks back to join the family because he's just having the BEST time bonding with this over-the-top bunch, and immediately gets accused by the Bros of "brain washing" the women, and pitting them against each other and saying nothing but coached answers. 


They have obviously never seen The Bachelor or know what the premise of the show is... I mean... COME ON. 

While this is going down, Mommy is just over in the corner, having her own little party...

The Bros keep arguing about how JoJo is way more into Ben than he is into her, and the Mom knows that JoJo is holding back, and the whole night just turns into one big ol' mess.. for several reasons. 

Ben FINALLY gets to escape and JoJo walks him out to the car... much to her Mom's dismay.

JoJo is like "so how'd it go???" you know, because that was a totally NORMAL meet-the-family situation and all...SUCH nice, warm, welcoming REAL people and all...

As Ben drives away, JoJo is left feeling dismayed because that was not how she was hoping her hometown date would go... so she does what any sensible girl would do and the next time she sees him, at the Rose Ceremony... she brings out the big guns.

Nothing a little cleavage won't fix, as I always like to say. 

Way back when, before having kids destroyed my boobs...


Poor Amanda is the girl who doesn't get a rose... and everyone is just so upset for her. 

Ben walks her out and she is PISSED... mostly because Ben dragged her all the way back to the mansion to dump her in a Rose Ceremony, when he could have just dumped her at home so she could put on her sweats and immediately eaten ice cream.

Amanda is left sad and broken-hearted that her dreams of a happy family won't come true with Benny Boo.

I kid.. Neal does his fair share of diapers.. 

But seriously.. it's getting so REAL up in Bachelor Land... next week are the Overnight Dates where things really get real (real naughty, I hear)... and Ben has to decide how he's ever going to decide which lady gets to do all the magazine covers with him.

How will he ever decide???

Till next time, friends!!

If you need to catch up on past episodes, or just want to relive the glory... click The Bachelor tab at the top of my blog page!!!


  1. Oh my word, what is going to happen now! Can't wait to see the next episode.

  2. As always, I am amused.

    And I love Dr. Phil.

  3. Yes! I felt bad for Amanda, but that is definitely real life as a parent. Kids screaming, needing naps and long car rides. I am pulling for JoJo and Lauren at this point. Caila is nice, but she does sound like she is always on a bachelorette audition. Thanks for writing these. So amazing.

  4. The post is fantastic! I love it so much:)
    Have a nice day!

  5. This recap is spot-on as usual! I'm Team Lauren as of now and I highly suspect Caila will be getting a Bachelorette deal. Not sure how I feel about that though...

  6. This is awesome! This episode drove me crazy and I can't wait to see what happens tonight!


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