The Bachelor Episode 9- Jamaican Me Cray Cray

Well here we are... Episode 9 already!!

How did that happen?

It seems like only yesterday we were watching the crazy train of potential Future-Ex-Mrs-Higgins' get drunk at the Bachelor Mansion on Night 1... and now we are here at the Fantasy Suite dates!

**Disclaimer- if slightly inappropriate sexual jokes and innuendos aren't your thang... you might want to skip today. It's the Bachelor. And Fantasy Suite dates. I mean I can't help myself. Mom, Grandma.. I apologize in advance**

Ben greets us all and welcomes us to lovely Jamaica! The (gasp) perfect (how original) place to fall in love! Just like every town, street, car, and hot tub they've been in this season. 

Seriously. If you're single out there.. just go wander around a McDonalds... it's the perfect place to fall in love.

Ben is SO excited about the overnight dates and for that *cough cough* alone time with each lady.

#TakeErForATestDrive

Ben checks out a Fantasy Suite... wandering around, testing out the viability of the Place That The Magic Happens.. you know, usual pre-date prep for our young fellow...

#Don'tComeAKnockin

Ben feels so grateful for these women and takes us through a run down of each lady like she is cattle up for auction..

Lot #1-Caila, who he doesn't know why she smiles all the time, and wonders if there is something below the surface....

There is an actress hungry for fame under that surface. Bet ya $10 I'm right. 

Lot #2-Lauren, who made him feel the closest to "love at first sight" from Night 1... but is she too good to be true?

#TurnOnTheFan

Lot 3- JoJo, who he had an instant connection to, and feels the most himself around... but there is the issue of her brothers being complete scary a-holes, so... is their connection enough?

#CourtesyFlushPlease

Bidding starts at one Neil Lane diamond ring... 

Ben is hoping to feel confident enough in the next two weeks to get down on one knee, tell one of the girls all the things the producers make him say, and smile and pretend that he's going to marry her. That kind of life event really takes some preparation.

'Cuz he's not sweaty enough in the Jamaican jungle, I'm sure. 

#AxeBodySprayStat

First date is our always on, never sad Displaced Disney Princess Caila! Ben thinks their relationship is in a great place, which is SO evident as they go on a river cruise through the jungle. There is just SO much connection and chemistry and they could just talk or not talk for hours...

Caila is anxious over the fact that there are two other girls still there and opts for her best game strategy of "sit silently and look hot" which she pulls off REALLY well. 

#Silence

Caila manages to utter one sentence to Ben, stating that the river cruise looks like Jurassic Park. 

Run Ben and Caila!!! Save yourselves! We all know the kind of frightening dinos live in Jurassic Park!

#OliviaGonnaGetChoo

Phew. Thankfully they dodge the Oliviasaurus and continue floating in utter silence down the river.

Desperate to break the tension, Caila summons her trusty friend Sebastian to help set "da mood" a bit and get it through Ben's thick skull already what he needs to do....

#Word

Ben thankfully is a fairly smart man and listens to Sebastian and starts sucking Caila's face.. cause when there is an awkward date... just start using some sort of body part and all's well.

Ben and Caila dock and eat some jerk chicken and Ben asks her if she's anxious because of the emotional roller coaster of it all. Of COURSE that's it, silly boy. I mean, haven't you even auditioned for the Bachelorette and tried to make all of America believe you are there for the "right reasons" and need your own shot at this journey toward true love??

#WishinAndHopinAndPrayin

During the night portion of the date, Caila perks up a little bit and (giggle) tells Ben (hair flip) she's SO surprised he noticed she was being weird during the day because she was being SO brave and not showing it AT ALL.

Part of Caila (hair flip) has been wanting to tell Ben (giggle) for so long... like 4 DAYS NOW that she's.... well... she's just IN LOVE WITH HIM (giggle).

Caila proceeded to misinform every young girl watching about what reciprocal love really is... because Ben didn't need to say anything back.. she could see it in his eyes, and feel it in his breath that he felt the same....

#PassTheCocktailSauce

Ben presents Caila with the date card inviting her into the Fantasy Suite for a night of playing "Knight Rescues Fair Maiden and Has His Way With Her"

They make out in the water to some fireworks and yada yada yada... it's the next morning and the glowing couple bask in each other's presence over some coffee. Ben just can't believe Caila is that beautiful when she first wakes up...

#MamaDidn'tRaiseNoFool

He leaves Caila for his date with Lauren, who walks stiffly up in way-too-tight-shorts that must have been so totally riding up into her lady business. 

#She'sABrickHouse

Lauren is so excited! She's so in love with Ben! And is so ready to just be vulnerable around Ben...

#YourCoinPurseIsShowing

Ben thinks it's weird seeing another girl right after leaving the first (ya think???) but is SO excited to see Lauren because he MISSED her and just couldn't wait to spend time with her and wants to just FEEL every moment.

#ComeBackWave

They stop at a little island and are greeted by a jolly man with a white beard and are told they are going to help release baby sea turtles back into the sea!

Lauren JUST.CAN'T.EVEN

#WinterHome

Ben and Lauren get to dig up a turtle nest, give the little guys their first bath, change their diapies,

and Ben says it's just a day of cuteness... cute turtles, cute Lauren... and Lauren is like "damn, the things I gotta touch to win this stupid thing.."

#EyeOnThePrize

They say a little prayer over the baby turtles after they are all squeaky clean from their baths, and then release them to the sea!

#Totally

Lauren gets a little emotional over the whole thing... cause turtles live for like, a billion years or some sh** like that.. if they happen to make it past the crabs, that is..

The two lovebirds then sit on the sand (Lauren's poor improperly covered up coin purse! Oh the chafing...) and Ben tells her how much he loved her family, cuz they didn't threaten to kill him like that OTHER girl's family, and he admits that he cried when her sister asked him about his feelings. 

Lauren and Ben then make everyone in America throw up in their mouths a little with a cutesy little exchange of "you're so great"... "no, YOU'RE so great"... "No, you're too good to be true"... "SHUT UP I was totally gonna say that!"

Then my husband farted next to me and I started yelling at the TV- "THIS!!! This is what REAL relationships are like, you twits!!!" 

Ugh.

At the dinner portion of the date, they talk about how this was the hardest week for Lauren... cuz there are other girls still, and it makes her mind go in weird places. She shouldn't worry though, because seeing his wittle Lauren all upset made Ben's mind go right into a JoJo's brothers kinda place...

#BadaBing

Ben wants to know why Lauren is holding back... she's just scared cuz she is FEELING so much... and she NEEDS those panties, I mean walls, to come down.

She finally just spits it out already and tells Ben she is totally in love with him, and our Dashing Young Fellow breaks all the Bachelor rules and says it back to her!

#WinnerWinnerChickenDinner

The lovebirds go check out the Fantasy Suite and get prepared to not sleep all night...

#JustTalkingOfCourse

And the next morning, Ben brings Lauren some coffee and Lauren says she feels all warm and fuzzy... to which my husband pipes up:

"That's your vagina, sweetheart"

I swear next season I'm going to just let Neal write these.. his commentary is always spot on!

Ben reluctantly pulls himself away from Lauren, and goes to meet up with his Sloppy Thirds, JoJo.

They greet and hug and kiss and a helicopter comes to take them for their date. 

Sigh. That was, like JoJo's FIRST date with Ben.. come on...

Ben needs to explore (translation: fondle her lovely lady breasts) things with JoJo and see if the instant chemistry and attraction can actually lead to love with her... and if it doesn't... well... she's outta there. 

'Cuz falling in love is cut-throat, after all. 

They hang out all day at a waterfall and I would not be happy if I were on this show. What is up with the people having to jump off things all the time? Don't they know there are like animals and rocks and unforeseen dangers possibly lurking in the water?

Not to mention it just totally messes up your whole outfit.

JoJo also wants to tell Ben she's in love with him, but has never said it first to anyone, and is kinda bummed she won't hear him say it back (Bachelor rules.. remember?? Oh yeah, unless your name is Lauren). She is terrified about it, and wants to be inside Ben's head.

#HeWantsInTooJustNotInYourHead

But, JoJo knows today is about taking risks, and she's all open to him... so tally ho!!

JoJo tells Ben she's missed him, and there is no doubt in her mind she wants to do life with him, and that she's not FALLING in love anymore, she IS in love with him and doesn't want to think about losing him. 

So...she shouldn't bring him home again then.

#NiceKnowinYaBenny

Ben kinda interrupts JoJo's schpeel to tell her.. HE LOVES HER TOO. 

OMG! It feels so good to hear it back! She was so nervous! She's just freaking out!

Well, now Ben is in quite a pickle. 

He's said Those Important Words to TWO women now.. and can't imagine letting either of them go. What's a man to do???

#SisterWives

At the dinner portion of the date, they toast to a really good day and JoJo tells him she's had the best day of her life. Ben, however... still has his reservations about her family and she's all like "LOL I KNOW... what the hell happened???"

#DayDrink

Ben is just concerned that her brothers didn't get to know him at all... like how he loves long walks on the beach, getting caught in the rain, and pina coladas. He thought the date was just really weird and he was hurt by it.

#CueViolinMusic

JoJo tries to tell him that her brothers are good people, they just don't want to see her get hurt again. She's happy, she doesn't want this to end.. and she's REALLY glad Ben didn't run.

They go check out their fantasy suite, complete with private hot tub.. and again... ladies and gentlemen... my husband's commentary:

(sang in a sing-song way) "Little tiny shorts. Little tiny shorts. These are the smallest shorts I can fi-ind..."

Me: "have you ever stopped to think maybe the shorts you wear are too big?"

Neal: "Phhhssshhh... Come on now..." 

#He'sGotLegs

Ben and JoJo enjoy their night of talking and pillow fights and prank calling boys on the phone and wake up all a-glow the next morning. Since they are delusional from getting no sleep, they decide playing a game of "no, you're cuter!!!" is the perfect way to wrap things up.

This show just BEGS people to drink just to get through watching it, seriously. 

As Ben leaves JoJo, we get some very natural, not-influenced-by-producers-at-all foreshadowing from Ben, that he just couldn't get to the "love" level with Caila...... for some odd reason.

Caila, who is not being set up at all by the producers... decides right that minute that she MISSES Ben so she goes to talk to him and deliver her final, big breakout performance.

#ReadyForHerCloseUp

We see Ben.. just sittin' on a random bench, thinking deep thoughts...

...and that's when my TV decides to freak out on me, switch to some weird streaming mode, pop up episodes of Friends I might like (yes, but not NOW television!!) and yada yada yada.. I missed the whole breakup.

#SadDay

I came back in to Caila getting out of the car for one final confrontation with Ben.. cuz...

She asks him if he knew this week that she wasn't The One, and he says he was conflicted. All the other girls said I Love You, and he couldn't hold back with them. With her, though.. he was holding back.

Caila gives him about 1,573 "Yeahs" and "OKs" and then decides that that's a wrap.

#AndScene

Ben tells her he'll miss her as he watches her drive away....

Hate when that happens. 

Caila beautifully sniffs and sniffles and gazes out the window as she tries to digest the heart break she is pretending to feel... I mean, their love was supposed to keep blooming, long after the final rose... it was supposed to last forever... 

#CelineDion

Caila just doesn't know why she hasn't found love yet.. she's READY. She wants to be MARRIED... and just wants all those other prerequisite Bachelorette requirements SO MUCH, whatever they may be.

#TheEagleHasLanded

The next day, the two remaining girls arrive at a villa and greet Chris Harrison and give him a Cliffs Notes version of their dates with Ben... 

They said I Love You, he touched my parts, I'm so open, yada yada.. and Chris is just FEELIN' the love in the air.

#YouEarnYourPaycheck

Lauren and JoJo wait and wait and wait for Caila to show up and just can't figure out what in tarnation is going on...

Ben shows up and clears the air. 

There are 2 women, and 2 roses... I know, it's confusing...they shouldn't feel bad though, it took him awhile to figure that out too.

#Calculus

Ben then gives each remaining woman a rose because they needed that concrete proof that they didn't get naked for him for nothing... and then all get together for a big awkward threesome hug.

Ben can picture both of them as his wife, and has not just 1 true love, but 2 true loves.. his heart is with both of them!

Oh, the struggles. 

JoJo is getting her game face on... meeting his parents is up next and something tells me this girl ain't going down without a fight.

#SideEye

So... who do you think his #1 is gonna be?? 

Luscious Lauren

or

Juicy JoJo?

We will have to wait TWO weeks to find out! Ugh... the anticipation!!! 

I won't be recapping next week's Women Tell All... unless something really cray cray pops up.. then I won't be able to help myself. Till then!!