The Bachelor Finale-Ben Loves Errbody!!

Take it away, Boyz II Men...

Although we've come to the end of the road

Still I can't let you go

It's unnatural, you belong to me, I belong to you

Ooohhhh... yeah... girl... whoo whoo..shoo-be-doo-dooo

I threw that last part in myself, what'd you think?

#Skillz

We are DONE Bachelor Nation! 

(ok side note... I spent 2 hours on this post.. and BLOGGER DIDN'T SAVE IT and I freaked the f**k out, and now this is my second attempt at writing this... and I'll be done close to midnight.. so pardon me if it's not as good as usual)

Sigh. I might have cried a lot little.

Well, it was a live finale, because this show isn't a spectacle in itself enough and they have to throw in some super emotional audience members to liven it up.

Chris Harrison greets us for the night's events and promises the "most dramatic finale ever" because you know, that never happens. Season after season. Bachelor after Bachelor...

#TheyNeedNameTags

First he tells us that the final two ladies' families are there tonight...

#Prefunk

As well as Ben's hometown pastor, who is all ready and willing to marry Ben and his final lady THAT VERY NIGHT (spoiler alert- it doesn't happen)

Oh that Chris Harrison, he's such a rascal!

We jet off to Jamaica to meet up with Lauren, who is looking wistfully out over the ocean and realizing that she should have listened to that sales lady who told her that maybe the shorts that look like denim panties weren't such a good idea after all...

Lauren is feeling all kinds of feels... with wedgie being one of them. 

And chafing. 

We also see JoJo, who is also wistfully looking out over the ocean (what do they see out there.. a Carnival cruise line? Are they gonna flag it down??) and she is thinking about how she is living the miracle that is going on national TV... I mean, falling in love...

#683,000AtLastCheck

Hey, not bad JoJo! I can't wait to see what kind of stuff you start selling for companies!!

Yes, I follow JoJo on Instagram. Don't judge. 

Then we meet up with Ben, who is just a big ol' mess. He skipped breakfast! Today of all days, Benny.. not smart. You gotta be on your game today!!

#IHOP

Quick commercial break, and we come back to another shot of the audience, and two guys who would probably rather be getting prostate exams then be watching Ben sob on TV...

#EarningBrowniePoints

Well it's time to meet the families! Ben is super pumped to see his parents. His Mom brought his favorite fruit snacks, and his Dad promised to go out back and play some catch... so he's excited!

He tells his parents that he is in love with two women, and that love triangle sitch isn't going over so well with Mom... that's a lot of extra Christmas presents to buy, ya know??

#GoWithGiftCards

Lauren is up first to meet the parents and arrives with a paid product placement from 1-800-FLOWERS.

#NoBigDeal

She's excited and nervous and hopes to show Ben's parents how much she really wants to win loves him and the feeling is pretty mutual with his Dad.

The two lovebirds touch and giggle and tell his parents about their first date and how Lauren wanted to meet them right then and there, because that's totally normal first date activity.

Lauren and Dad get some time alone to chat and he tells her that he can tell Ben really loves her because of that twinkle in his eye... nudge nudge, wink wink....

#Twinkle

And Lauren is like "oh totes... like, he let me know that right away...and I just trusted after that."

They talk a bit more about marriage and then Lauren gets a chance to talk alone with Mom. Before she gets too far into her emotional gushing over Ben, Mom is like "wait wait wait a minute here... have you seen his bad side? How he is so super critical of himself?"

Damn. Lauren better be checking out IKEA to pick up a few extra (dozen) mirrors.

Mom is just not sure if Lauren is right for Ben, and asks Ben if each girl knows that he loves the other and when he says "no"... her reaction is everything.

#RIP

Before she leaves, Lauren talks to Ben and makes it clear that she is only getting married ONCE and he needs to be AWARE of that.

I bet all that chafing is a real bitch. 

As Lauren leaves, Ben is left just so confused still.

#SeriouslyPeopleWearNametags

The next day is JoJo's turn to meet the parents and she brings the obvious "free" portion of 1-800-FLOWERS Buy One Get One Free advertising deal...

JoJo needs the day to go well. She already feels so blessed to be in love with Ben, but needs his parents to know that... so you know...stories about how you were too busy making out in the helicopter to see the Hoover Dam always does the trick.

#PigLatin

Mom thinks that is just the sweetest story ever of some CUDDLING while Dad seems to have missed the whole point of the story.

Dad and JoJo get some time alone together and Dad asks her... "why Ben?" and she tells him that she had this perfect man envisioned... but then you know, sh** happens and you lose that vision...

So she decided on Ben and fame instead... because duh. I mean, if you can't have Gosling, Ben'll do.

JoJo easily wins over Mom when she says Ben is her BFF and becomes Mom's clear front-runner for super obvious reasons...

#Strategy

Before she leaves, JoJo talks to Ben about whether or not he's actually ready to propose, but dang it! Her Pantene contract kicks in just then and she has to start shooting that hair commercial!!

After JoJo leaves, Ben's parents tell him that he's up sh**'s creek without a paddle because both women are great... but take it from Dad... you just CAN'T propose to both....

Mrs. Higgins plays hardball.

The next day is Ben's final date with Lauren and he's looking for SOMETHING. Some CLARITY. Some ANSWERS....

#LoveIsDead

They sail on a catamaran and Lauren is pawing at him, kissing him, asking him questions... and his mind is just too heavy and he needs about a gallon of coffee.

Lauren is getting worried because she doesn't know how he feels about JoJo, and Ben is just plain ol' unsure about everything in life.

#RiddleMeThis

The evening portion of the date doesn't go much better, as Lauren is really emotional and tries to come up with new ways to talk about the same insecurities and fears we've been hearing about for the last hour... so she asks Ben if there are any questions about her he needs to know.

Ben tells her that no matter what, she has made him a better man, and he thanks her for being so SUPPORTIVE throughout this whole journey.

#Jockey

The next day is Ben's final date with JoJo and he's all giddy as he thinks about how fun and exciting JoJo is and how the producers did him a favor by renting him the sweet Jeep.

JoJo delivers her line like a pro and tells him as he drives up "nice Jeep" to which our Dashing Young Fellow rewards her handsomely.

They drive to a lagoon... and JoJo just, has no concerns babe. Loved his parents, babe.. and oh! Loves the romantic water, babe....

To which Neal tells me "she's saying 'babe' way too much" and since I had lost count after 17, I had to agree. 

JoJo and Ben talk about how they haven't really talked about life after the show... and where they would go from here, and their future.

And when JoJo asks Ben if he feels good... all he can respond with is "ummmmm"

#BadaBoom

This does not leave JoJo feeling very confident. She is starting to think she loves Ben more (ding ding ding!!!!) and is worried she is going to be made to look the fool (oh don't you fret, Miss JoJo... something tells me you're gonna be just fine)

#Bachelorette

Their night portion of the date is also pretty awkward because Ben's mind is in a million different directions and he just can't FOCUS on JoJo....

They have a weird conversation in the bathroom where she tells him she's tired of competing and he admits to her that he also loves Lauren....

Uh... whoops. 

JoJo is understandably not that thrilled with this news and now admits that she's never been so scared in her entire life. 

Ben however, just has never been so lost in his entire life...

#GetTheManACompass

Despite Ben's turmoil, the journey must continue and he meets with Neil Lane to pick out a lovely loaner rock that he'll get to present to his final lady until they break up and she has to return the ring.

Neil suggests Ben tell him about his final lady, to help nail down a ring choice and Ben is like....

Gasp!

Clutch the pearls!!

He doesn't have a final lady yet!

Thankfully the editing people swoop in and present a flashback montage of his relationship with each lady and then Ben is like "jk. LOL. I'm good now." and claims he knows who's it's gonna be!!!

Neal- "Jesus"

Me- "Amen"

The Final Day is here and Lauren can't believe that today is the day! Or that today could be the day. Or the was it yesterday and she missed it?? Oh who knows...

While she is thinking about what day it is... JoJo doesn't have an ounce of doubt (or cc of silicone) that she and Ben are going to end up together. 

Hey. Camera guy. Her face if UP THERE!!!!

#FeminismIsDead

Ben is excited for today! Nothing like a good heart-smashing... even though he is emotionally and physically sick thinking about breaking up with one of these ladies. 

#Hurl

The helicopter arrives and the loser steps out... (that's not an insult.. everyone knows the first person to arrive is always the one that gets the axe) and JoJo wobbles her way over the rustic wooden path to her doom....

She immediately launches into how much she cares for Ben, and how he was right about this crazy chance at love paying off... and Ben is like "ahem..."

#PulledAKanye

He tells her that he wasn't sure if he'd find love, and he did find it with her... BUT.... whoopsie. He kinda loves someone else more. 

JoJo gets visibly upset, tells Ben it's FINE and storms off.

Ben, here's a hint.. when a woman says she's FINE... she's PISSED....

He walks JoJo back to a limo, kisses her head (WTF get off her!!!!) and then composes himself for what's next....

#LetsKeepThisMovingPeople

JoJo cries in the limo, and just wants to hate Ben, but she can't... and she just wants a love that she can COUNT on, ya know????

Hey JoJo, how about if you can count on a pack of meat-head men who like to take their shirts off trying to win your love??? 

Wow, it's like I can see the future or something. 

We then see Ben place a phone call to... 

Ghostbusters??

Nah, it's just Lauren's Dad. Ben asks his permission to propose to Lauren, and promises to try his best to make her happy 4-ever....

#Fame

Lauren's Dad gives his blessing and Ben takes a moment to do his victory dance fist bump to himself...

Then as the sun is starting to set... Lauren arrives by helicopter.. and it's like a SIGN or something...

#WinnerWinner

Ben says some gushy stuff... "wanna wake up next to your top know and kiss your face even with bad breath" and all that love shizz....

And then gets down on one knee and asks the question we were all waiting to hear!!!

#AlmostAMillionFollowers

Huzzah!!!

Our Benny has found love. Found his person.. and knew it from Night One, all along...

#MazelTov

And in the best piece of news of the night.. ABC pulled a switcheroo and yanked Caila from The Bachelorette role and gave us all who we really wanted!!!!

So you can better believe I will be recapping JoJo's season come May...

Join me, and let me be your spirit guide along her journey....

Bye for now!! And cheers to love!!!