The Bachelorette Ep. 6- Jedi Mind Tricks

Wednesday, July 6, 2016

Slacked, I did not. 

Caught up in life, I was... 

Did my Jedi mind tricks work on you? Are you convinced that I didn't MEAN to be a week late on this recap? 

Oh good... you're thoroughly fooled... 

Well, now that I have you under my control (insert evil laugh) let's recap!

We begin with JoJo sitting quietly in beautiful Buenos Aires, contemplating life while in a cocktail dress and staring wistfully up at the sky (LOL, don't we all do that??) and is joined by the dashing Chris Harrison to discuss her journey thus far. 

JoJo tells him she has similar feelings for two guys... and since we can all do math (with a calculator, at least) and realize there are 7 guys left...we all know that 5 of 'em ain't got a snowball's chance in hell to end up as Mr. JoJo....


The guys come bounding up like a pack of over-eager puppies and say "Hola JoJo!" to which I say "Hola Twinsie-poo Luke!!!" because I like, totes have his exact outfit..

I appreciate him pairing the camo pants with gray... bold choice, compared to my more conservative black top... and the dog tag? Bro knows how to accessorize!!!

The guys are given the 4-1-1- about this week's dates... for the first time EVER there's going to be another 2-on-1 date!!! (call the papers!) but first... is the 1-on-1 date which goes to Wells!


The guys are so supportive of our sweet lad... because he's the only one who hasn't gotten up close and personal with JoJo's dental work yet... I mean, why was he waiting? To get to KNOW her or some nonsense like that??? Jordan seemed amused by his slow pace...


JoJo comes to pick up Wells for the date and the guys all snicker and tease them about the impending big kiss moment... and James informs the audience about how OBVIOUS it is that a kiss is gonna happen. You know, because JoJo knows that Wells knows that SHE knows that they ALL know it needs to happen.


JoJo and Wells walk around town... he thinks about the right moment to attack her face and then doesn't do it... they walk some more, he frets some more... and they end up at an indoor art show/performance/dark club/something-or-other and JoJo is like, "dude."


It could have been the right moment (quit being pushing, Sebastian!!) if THIS hadn't appeared suddenly above them...


Listen, ABC. Whoever is in charge of your "romance" department needs an evaluation because there are women watching this show that have pushed humans out of their who-ha's and their bladders aren't so strong anymore.. and when THAT pops out at you... know what I'm sayin'???

I'm dubbing this the Weirdest Date Ever as Wells gets harnessed up and performs some art piece of running on a treadmill and getting fake shot with a gun and then fake bleeds and then ends with the attitude I like to have when I want to be recognized for doing 10 mins of exercise...


Wells desperately wants to kiss her, but since he doesn't have swoopy hair, or a name that rhymes with "duke" JoJo is less enticed to lock lips... and when he goes in for the kill...


Wells is just a romantic, that's all.. right, that's it... and he wants this to be a once in a lifetime kiss... so he knew he had to pull the plug when it was their turn to go in the giant Slip-n-Slide/washing machine thing (which, btw... is where all first dates should occur...)

Think about it... wouldn't you know someone so well after spinning around with them? Like if they stretch out, or shrink when wet.. or if their color bleeds or if they get those pesky little pills all over them... 

The wash never lies, you guys.

JoJo, however, is #OverIt and needs Wells to just kiss her, damn it! They are all wet and sliding around... what could be the problem??


Apparently somehow a producer got the Mentos memo, ran to the nearest convenience store on the corner, and less than a minute later..



On to the dinner portion of the date, Wells admits that he came into this super skeptical but those feelings have melted away. JoJo, on the other hand, still has her doubts about our sweet Wellsy and makes him spill the beans on his last relationship. 

He tells her it was 4 years, and that they ended up more as friends because the passion had faded away....

And that set off alarms in JoJo's head (because, you know... a relationship naturally unraveling because the two people weren't right for each other is SO MUCH MORE NOT OK to JoJo than, say... Jordan's alledged cheating and lying and gold digging). 

Makes sense. 


Sadly, she sends Wells home because she's convinced the passion doesn't have to fade away (some advice, JoJo, never have a baby with a guy then. Cuz lemme tell ya.. nothing heats up the "wanna hump" feelings more than milk-leaky boobs and 3rd degree tears down there that are all stitched up.. good thing you went with passion over normal-will-be-there-for-you-always-guy).

Sigh. This show. Seriously. 

Sweet Wells is off to face the world alone... broken hearted... in need of someone to just give him a little lovin'....

See ya in Paradise, Wells! (spoiler alert, yes... he's on that show!)

JoJo is left alone to wander into the second half of her ill-fated date....going back to the art show thing and thinking REAL hard about whether or not this whole thing is gonna work, because love has never worked for her before... it's all just so stressful!


Oh, I almost forgot! While JoJo and Wells were having a not-so-passionate time, a Date Card arrived, singling out the two guys that will be stuck on the 2-on-1 date. Chase and Jim Derek! Both were super less than thrilled.


The next day was the group date and our Herd met JoJo for a day of wandering the streets of Buenos Aires, and James says its just so easy to get lost on Group Dates...

Poor James, he just feels out of place because he's not "Sexy Dude" like all the other guys....obviously he just needs to buy tighter shirts. Problem solved. 

The guys play a game of soccer against a street team and Jordan, being the jokester he is, decides to start playing other games as well....

So weird.. my almost-2-year-old LOVES that game... are you saying that Mr. Owen is super growns up and mature then, since an adult man plays the same game? 

The guys do a goal kick-off contest, with the winner winning a kiss from JoJo. None other than our not-sexy-kinda-prone-to-get-lost-in-crowds crooner wins!!! James knows that he may not be on the beefy train like the other guys, but he's on the fast track to fallin' in love!


During the cocktail portion of the date Luke slips JoJo into a dark corner... all the better to smoulder her and smoulder her and then smoulder her some more...

My friend Monique pointed out to me Luke's twin... Mr. Smoulder Master Himself....


JoJo and Luke are just so excited about each other... their connection is natural and organic... and JoJo is running out of words to describe the level of passion with Luke. I mean.. whew... hand me my fan!!! Pass the smelling salts darlin'.. I'm gonna swoon!!!!


Back at the condo our unlucky twosome Chase and Jim Derek are discussing the impending double date from hell. Jim Derek makes a joke which doesn't sit well with Chase because this was NOT the date card he wanted to get for himself...

Personally my ideal Bachelor date would be anything with a lot of wine and not death-defying activities... but that's just me. Is there a sit on the couch date? Go shopping at the mall date? No?

Anywho... back at the Cocktail Party, James gets his chance to talk to JoJo and decides to unleash his inner snitch and bring up his "issues" with Jordan... namely his entitlement and how he bossed everyone around during a poker game the other night. 


JoJo, of course, gets her feathers ruffled at the thought of anything negative about her precious JorJor, so she swoops in to snag him for a talk to get things straightened out.


While JoJo leads Jordan away... a very sobering realization hits James...


JoJo tells Jordan straight away her concerns... about how James said he was entitled and how that worries her, and how she doesn't want to hear those things about him. 

Jordan giggles away JoJo's ill feelings with some good ol' fashioned talking-out-his-ass Jedi Mind Tricks about how he wants to be engaged, and wants it to be serious with her...


Jordan rejoins the group with a chip on his shoulder though, and James attempts to innocently ask what his deal is, which doesn't go over well...

The two former friends finally go at it, and Jordan confronts James about how he tattled to JoJo about him, and James defends his actions by saying he thinks JoJo deserves a better guy than Jordan. 


JoJo comes back to give out the Group Date Rose and gives it to someone who continues to make her feel good and excited about the future (is it time for the Fantasy Suite yet???)..... Luke!

Too bad, so sad, Jordan. 

Take a page out of my 4-year-old's book... stop being so bossy or no one's gonna wanna play wif you.

The next day is the 2-on-1 and JoJo is thrown out to the birds like some food scraps...

Oh, actually they learn to tango. Sorry. My bad... all that pulling her back and forth, made me think she was a sardine floating along, ripe for plucking.

Chase is taking the whole thing very seriously...

Nealism: I don't get how they can take her seriously calling her "JoJo"

And knows that this whole process is about her finding a husband...

Nealism: JoJo Po-tay-toe
Me: shhhhhhh!!!!

And things do indeed get serious when JoJo takes the guys aside to talk to them individually. 

Derek is feeling reserved because he was the First Date guy, and then lost footing.. but he's absolutely falling for her, which she APPRECIATES knowing...


JoJo brushes Jim Derek off to the side to ambush Chase and demand to know why he isn't being more vocal with her. She is a Words of Affirmation girl and he KNOWS that and he is NOT giving her what she wants..

He doesn't think he needs to be this open when there are this many guys left, and this whole talking-thing, expressing those....whaddya call them, feelings? is all new to him, but he guesses he can say some random shizz to just get to the point...


JoJo ends up giving Chase the rose and has to walk Jim Derek out.. which was SO hard and did NOT feel good..

JoJo and Chase get to enjoy a private opera singer serenading them to the oh-so-romantic balled "Don't Cry for Me Argentina"... peppered of course, with shots of Jim Derek riding away in tears..

Nealism: she didn't like him because he didn't have big swoopy hair. His hair was like little swoopy hair. Not as voluminous"


The next night was The Cocktail Party and Rose Ceremony and both are so important... as is a very full glass of wine.


Jordan fills her ear with more liquid honey lies about how he wants to do LIFE with her, and wake up next to her and fall and in love with her more everyday.. and yada yada yada.... where does he sign up for his TV career??


James feels like he's on the chopping block.. but he's gonna be true. He's gonna be the man he promised her he would be, and she even gave him a "kiss" kiss!!!


It's time to give out roses, with Alex and James being the remaining two guys.. and JoJo just couldn't bear to be done wearing her fabulous gown in that huge castle yet, so she rushes for the stairs to get some time to umm.... think.

Or because she saw this pin on Pinterest too and knew it was like, SO DAMN TRUE. 


She needs to just throw that on over her gorgeous gown, glide around for a bit, pile on some diamonds, say "dahling" ten thousand times and then all will be better. 

JoJo goes to find Chris Harrison with her remaining final rose... for what???? Can it be true???


But in a turn of events NO ONE EVER saw coming (LOL other than they do it every season) decides she needs to give out TWO final roses and keep both Alex and James!

Alex is less than thrilled with his "pity" rose though....

But he needs to cheer up... tomorrow is a new day!!! Just listen to the big guy, Mr. T... all will be ok.



Well, that's it for this week!

JoJo's brain is legit Jedi Mind Scrambled by Jordan and her thighs are legit Hunk-a-Burning-Lovin' because of Luke... so where does that leave us?

That leaves us in for some darn good drama, that's what I think!

Till next week guys!!!


  1. I don't know that I LOVE any of the guys... meh.
    Jordan totally seems like a player and Luke... well, you and he have matching outfits only he wore the necklace so I don't know where that leaves him.
    The smoulder reminds me of the character from Tangled... because... well, I have a 3 year old.
    you're hilarious btw... but you already know that

  2. I was so disappointed in both guys getting the rose at the end. Boo. and then they took a week off. Jordan is pissing me off. I thought about the new panties thing too. Soooo funny!

  3. I was SO sad to see Wells go!! WHY do these dumb girls always go for the bad guys?! I'll never understand. Call me boring, but I'd rather not have all the drama!

  4. I honestly don't even watch this season at all anymore. I just read your updates to know what's going on. Boo to Alex still being here and Boo to Jim Halpert leaving.
    The Flynn Rider and the matching outfits are hilarious!

  5. JoJo and Wells' date was SO weird! But I was sad to see him go too, I really liked him! And really, if it's between Jordan and Luke, I pick neither! Sorry JoJo, this isn't going to end well!


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