The One About the F**K It Bucket

Tuesday, June 7, 2016

Some of you might have seen the picture I posted Instagram over the weekend. 

The one that made me nervous-sweat. 


Yep, that's me in a bikini. 

There ya have it... Mom Body in all it's glory. 

Why did I post this?

Definitely not to fish for compliments.. honestly. That's not what I was after. 

Nope... I got fed up, so I decided to do something a little bold. 

There I was, dreading the upcoming summer because I have a baby who's almost two years old, and I still have 15lbs of "baby weight" left over from carrying him. I am actually going on two vacations (yes!!!!! actually vacations!) this summer that will require me to wear a bathing suit IN FRONT OF PEOPLE.

The last several months I've tried dieting. a month of no alcohol, a month of being a vegetarian. I cut out extra sugar. I cut down on carbs. I went through meal after meal of nothing but protein and veggies, or sometimes... just veggies... 

...and I didn't lose a gosh-darn-ever-loving-pound. Not a one. 

I have spent the last 22 months, ever since Owen was born, being sad about my body. Crying over it, sometimes. Raging on about it to my bewildered husband. Complaining to my friends. Moping around. Staring at myself in the mirror, practicing sucking in my tummy, standing different ways in order to look thinner. Deleting pictures of me because "I looked fat." 

I was obsessing and it was taking over my life and my sanity. Every time I stood up my hand flew to my stomach, touching it to make sure I was sucking it in as I walked around. I pinched and pinched and pinched again the chub around my tummy throughout the day. Gauging it, measuring it, fantasizing about just f**king cutting it off or something. 

I was unhappy, and have been unhappy for almost two years, convinced it was the fault of those stupid 15lbs. 

As cliche as it sounds, something just snapped in me a few days ago. 

I stumbled across Ashli's blog Baby on the Brehm, read up on her journey of surviving cancer and I sobbed. Her story really touched me and inspired me to seize life and be thankful.

Her battle struck close to home because Neal lost his Mom to cancer when he was 13. Even though I've obviously never met his Mom, her picture is up in our house and I think about my angel Mother-in-Law EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. 

Neal's Mom was 36 when she lost her battle guys, THIRTY. SIX. 

I'm 35. I doesn't take a math genius to see those two ages are very close together.

Suddenly... I GOT PISSED. 

Pissed at myself. Pissed at my own pettiness, at my own pity party of "oh woe is me and my jiggly tummy. My big thighs. Wah wah wah. Poor me. Life is so terrible because I'm not SKINNY."

NO. JUST F**KING NO. 

I'ms sorry but what right do I have to be upset? My body made two beautiful babies. My body can run and jump and turn cartwheels still. My body can pick up my boys, spin them around, chase them and comfort them. My body is healthy and I have completely taken that for granted. 

What a stupid, overindulgent SELFISH person I have been. There are real problems in the world, people who are fighting real battles, and here I was... feeling defeated and depressed because I'm not "skinny" anymore.

Instead of living life, loving life.. I'm been moping around because I had to buy shorts in a bigger size this year. 

Excuse you Jessica, but what the f**k is wrong with you???? 

It has to stop. I have to stop. I refuse to spend another second focused on what my body isn't instead of what it is. Life is too short. Our babies grow up in a split-second. Who knows if we will even see tomorrow? We don't know, so we HAVE to enjoy every day we are given.

The body shaming I was doing to myself had to stop. I wish I could tell society to just stop as well, but unfortunately I don't have that power. We'll still be inundated with articles about how quickly some celebrity lost her baby weight, or how awesome they look in a tiny bikini just seven weeks post-pregnancy. The sick obsession with how thin women are will probably never stop.

That's fine.... because I'M GOING TO STOP. I'm going to be thankful to see each new day. Thankful for the big strong legs I got from my German ancestors that let me run after my boys. Thankful for the round tummy that grew and protected two little lives. Thankful for the flatter boobs that fed them.

So I posted that picture to just get over myself. To put myself out there and say "this is me! Yep. I'm bigger than I was. I jiggle more than I used to.. but I DON'T CARE ANYMORE." 

There are more important things in life and I plan on focusing on those, instead of what size the label in my shorts say.

Try it guys... take those insecurities, chuck 'em in the F**k It Bucket and move on and live your life! 

It feels AWESOME.




  Polka-Dotty Place

31 comments:

  1. I'm so proud of you! And so happy that you're embracing living life instead of focusing on your insecurities. Which, is NOT easy. It takes a really strong person to be able to face those ugly demon thoughts and move past them, not giving them the time of day. As girls, I think we all have those "I'm not skinny enough" thoughts. As my body has changed with hormones from our fertility treatments (and maybe with my age too) it's been hard to really embrace that or be happy about it. Thanks for the reminder that it's not everything :)

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  2. I LOVE you! Seriously. This is amazing for so many reasons. One, I actually think you look great in a bathing suit but that's not what this is about. YOU are a beautiful freaking person and no matter how jiggly your belly or how big your thighs, that doesn't take away from your awesome.
    I've struggled with body image most of my life (who hasn't?) and have come to the realization that for me healthy is important but healthy doesn't mean skinny. Healthy means being able to do all the things with my kids, not puking from running up a flight of stairs. There's no sense breaking my back and making my life miserable to try and attain the unattainable. I'd rather be happy.

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  3. Beautiful ❤️. This deserves a MIC DROP!!!
    -Riana

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  4. This deserves a MIC DROP!!! This was beautiful ❤️

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  5. Jessica, I LOVE this! Every word! I'm with you!

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  6. Jessica, this is amazing. You have said what I have wanted to say. I hate looking in the mirror and seeing my stomach have more skin, my boobs being flatter, a bigger butt and scars EVERYWHERE. I am trying to build my confidence like you have. It is so hard. I try to tell myself I am beautiful and I do feel like it in clothes, but then I see myself naked and I get sad. I need to repeat some of these words to myself every day and get over my body. It carried two babies at once, I am healthy and I have my battle scars to show it. I love this. Thanks for sharing.

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  7. Awesome! You look fantastic by the way, but I understand how we are a lot harder on ourselves! I just recently learned to let my body issues go so I could enjoy life with my kids! I wanted to be in the mom in the pool!!

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  8. Thank you for sharing your struggles and your beautiful body! I've been having a hard time lately too. I gained 10-15 pounds rapidly after I stopped breastfeeding a few months ago and it's all gone to my tummy. A woman stopped me a work a couple of weeks ago and asked if I was pregnant. Ouch. But I need to stop obsessing, focus on being healthy and be thankful. But it's hard, especially for us former ballet dancers :)

    (p.s. I love your blog)

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  9. Hello from Tuesday Talk today...one of the co-hosts ... I have the perfect article for you to read if you have time. I read it this morning and then came across your blog from the link up and I think you'll be able to relate.Here is the link: http://dailymom.com/shine/3-things-you-should-tell-yourself-before-getting-into-your-swimsuit/

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  10. I love every thing you said! The stretchmarks, extra skin, flatter boobs - everything is so true, but you know what, we put our bodies through a hell of a lot for those babies and I don't regret a single minute of it! I've spent far too long trying to cover up what made me a mom and it's time to quite. So proud of you for putting this out there!

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  11. This is my new favorite post of yours, Jessica! I relate to so much of this! I have spent years hating myself. HATING. I've missed out on moments of joy with my children because I felt too fat to participate. But then this year, I had a cancer scare, and I decided NO more. I am not going to hate the body that gives me life, allows me to run and jump and play. You go, mama. Seize your life. This, and you, are beautiful. Just as you are.

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  12. Jess, you are awesome! I love everything about this post. Society today sucks - everyone is so focused on appearance. Everyone has to look perfect and there is so much pressure on us, daily. I hate it. Mila was born very soon after Kim Kardashian's daughter and I remember seeing photos of Kim and feeling like complete crap that my stomach was nowhere near as flat as hers post-baby. It wasn't fair and I was so hard on myself. Then I realized I actually spend time with my child and don't spend half my week with a personal trainer. I eventually learned to embrace the mom bod. This is such an inspiring post for all mothers! Very well said!

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  13. I love this so much you have no idea. This is exactly what I needed to read today...thank you!

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  14. Oh this struggle. I live this so many days. I always give myself a pep talk like get your shit together woman. You have a daughter. She can't hear the things you say about yourself. You have to show her better. But now I have a better way. The fuck bucket. Fuck all the skinny shenanigans. Skinny does not mean healthy. Thank you for being vulnerable and encouraging us all to throw that shit away.

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  15. You are so awesome! Everyone is so focused on perfection these days. I started noticing it more when I had a "not-so-perfect" son. I loved this post and I love that you finally reached this point! XOXO

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  16. No joke, you are my fucking hero right now!! It's enough that Moms second guess every decision they make for their children, on a daily basis but all the while, we are beating ourselves up over a bit of extra weight... THAT ONLY WE SEE. Your babes don't care that you are 15 pounds heavier. No they care that you did or didn't play with them because you didn't wan to put a suit on. You've inspired me. I'm going to embrace my body this Summer. Every single chubby ounce of it.

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  17. Jessica, this post is absolutely incredible and so are you!! It really sucks how in today's society people focus SO MUCH on how fast mommies lose their baby weight. I just don't understand the fixation. While I've always been extremely thin (got it from my momma) and I've lost most of my baby weight, I still don't look anything like I did pre-babies. I still have more belly pudge than I did pre-baby, my belly button is ALL jacked up, and my boobs are non-existent after all that nursing. There are some days where it bothers me, but I'm mostly just thankful because my body gave me my two most precious gifts... Can't hate it after that!

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  18. Seriously, this is everything I would have said. I'm over being upset about my body, although I don't think I will ever have the courage to wear a bikini again! GO YOU!

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  19. Girl you rock! I saw this on IG, but just became a blog follower and I think you are amazing for just putting yourself out there. Body shaming has to stop for all of us. Now that I have a daughter I'm really trying to change my attitude toward my body because once she's older I don't want her to have body issues. Way to inspire.

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  20. Absolutely freaking yes! You rock!

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  21. LOVE this! I fight with myself with my body all the time! I am about 10 pounds heavier now than I was pre baby and I fight to accept that and I realized its okay! It's not about the weight its about being healthy!

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  22. Stumbled upon your blog...you look BEAUTIFUL and your words are TRUTH. Way to go!

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  23. I read this the day you posted it but am only now getting around to telling you how much I LOVED reading this! You're such a beautiful person inside and out. I love your honesty and it slapped me in the face about how I look at myself! Thank you, thank you for sharing this!

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  24. i can't tell you how much i love this post. i was so happy when i saw your post on instagram, so so so happy for you. it's been a lifelong struggle for me, i always feel like i'm fat etc etc (and i haven't even had kids!) and even though i'm 99% better and i'm not actively mean to myself, i still think i am too 'big' and i tried to hardcore diet to lose weight before our vacation (this weekend). i tried everything, and then because i was restricting, i would binge eat afterwards which would undo any good work i might have done. i was feeling so crappy about myself and thinking well i guess i will just not wear a bikini.. which is obviously ridiculous. i'm going on a cruise for pete's sake, i have to wear one! then i saw your instagram picture and i was like yeah! go you! i should do that too! and then i looked in the mirror and sucked my belly in. sigh. so it's like, i didn't even last 2 minutes lol. but, then on saturday we got into a wreck. obviously not fun. terrifying. absolutely terrifying. car is a mess, i'm sore, my husband is freaking out... but we are both okay. the car can be fixed. we can build savings back up, because it will take a hit after this. but we are fine. and that woke me up. like, i'm worried about a few extra lbs? i'm scared someone will point and laugh at me in a bikini? i could have been seriously injured, or something else horrible could have happened. worrying about weight is certainly not important when you look at it like that.
    anyway, sorry for rambling. i love this. kudos to you for sharing it, and for saying f*ck it. you are amazing. high five!

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  25. You. Rule. Period. This post is amazing and I know about 10000000 girls who need to read it and live it (including myself). <3

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  26. Awesome post! I've been writing about this exact topic and trying to encourage my other Mom friends but it is hard work in our society to spread positivity and being happy with our mom bodies. Thanks for this!!!

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  27. I went back to read this post because for the first time IN MY LIFE I plan to finally wear a bathing suit in public tomorrow. Yes, took me 30 years to be able to do it. I am nervous but a part of me is excited to finally flaunt it and not care. Coincidentally I am not in the best shape of my life and yet for some reason I got the courage to do it now (not 25 lbs ago!). Anyway, I will be replaying your words in my head and thinking of this post as I remove that cover up and walk around like no one is watching. So thank you for sharing this.
    And P.S. I love you blog and sense of humor, as I scroll thru my feed yours is always one of the first ones I click to read.

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  28. I went back to read this post because for the first time IN MY LIFE I plan to finally wear a bathing suit in public tomorrow. Yes, took me 30 years to be able to do it. I am nervous but a part of me is excited to finally flaunt it and not care. Coincidentally I am not in the best shape of my life and yet for some reason I got the courage to do it now (not 25 lbs ago!). Anyway, I will be replaying your words in my head and thinking of this post as I remove that cover up and walk around like no one is watching. So thank you for sharing this.
    And P.S. I love you blog and sense of humor, as I scroll thru my feed yours is always one of the first ones I click to read.

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  29. SOOOOOO much yes to this!!! LOVE it, and GO YOU! You look amazing, and more importantly, you look happy and so does your son! #WINNING

    Thanks for sharing!
    xx

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