The Bachelorette Ep. 4- Hashtag All The Vibes

Well, well... we meet again! 

Since I'm late in getting this recap to you... let's just dive right in, shall we??

This week, we started feeling Hashtag All The Vibes...

Episode 4 (aka The Chad Bro Show) took off right as Chad-a-rino was told by Chris Harrison to play nice with the other males in the herd. He tries to talk to the guys (never apologizing, mind you.. because he's the VICTIM in all this) and halfheartedly make amends.

Evan tells him that he owes him an apology and a new shirt, to which Chad shrugs and offers Evan $20 to go on a shopping spree at his local mall.... 

#BargainShopper

JoJo arrives soon after to get the pool party started and we quickly get down to the real reason all the guys are there....

Cameraman B is having pretty much the #BestDayEver as I drink wine on the couch and try and figure out how to pay for a set of knockers myself... cuz... da-yam!!!

The pool party chugs along nicely with the totes normal happenings of floating swans, diving in the pool fully clothed, taking shots of booze, JoJo's boobs bouncing around, throwing pool toys... oh, and resident Delicate Flower Evan getting a bloody nose. 

#EveryoneOutWeNeedToDrainThePool

JoJo and Jordan go off to paw each other... I mean, talk...

#MattressMambo

You two knock that shizz off!!!! Didn't you read the Bachelor Rules handbook?? "Thou shalt not jump into suitor's arms and wrap thy legs 'round yonder waist till thou hast surpassed Hometown Dates."

It's right there in black and white, JoJo. Figure it out. 

So the whole JorJor and JoJo dynamic is about driving me nuts and I can't hardly watch them anymore. They talk about NOTHING interesting...

#LikeABabysButt

Their conversations consist of the same three lines...

"you make me nervous"

"I like you, but you are like, too good to be true and that scares me"

"I just have so many questions for you"

Ok, lemme give you some advice, you young whipper-snappers.. got questions? ASK THEM. That's a novel concept. Quit fiddle-farting around. He makes you nervous? DRINK MORE OR TAKE A XANAX. Or, try some of that meditative yoga you learned with Chase. Think he's too good to be true? HE'S PLAYING YOU GIRLFRIEND!!!!!

After plenty of leg stroking JoJo tears herself away to spend some time with the other upstanding men in her presence. I give you... Mr. Who Wants Ice Cream When You Can Have Steak???

#Truth

Chad doesn't understand how JoJo could like a man like him (Steak) and a man like Evan (Ice Cream) because they are like kids and sleep. You know, two things that totally DON'T go together. 

Chad just feels like he's in middle school or something, which isn't true because where are the braces? The permed hair? The overly baggy overalls??? 

Well, according to Chad all the guys are talking about him... which they are... and about how they don't feel safe, and why there is a Security Guard on the premises now...

#YaLilyLiveredVarmit

Chad decides that Jim Derek is a big problem and confronts him... there is a lot of man-talk going on, and they fling shizz back and forth at each other, and here is a Cliffs Notes version..

I saved you about 10 mins of your life. 

#YoureWelcome

Pool party is over.. everyone is burned and hot and drained from day drinking... so let's make things more stressful and have a Rose Ceremony!!! Of course the big thought is that Chad's gots-ta go....but... those producers, man. They make JoJo keep the dude around, because Chad is the Spirit Animal of Reality TV.

#ShakeForBreakfastShakeForLunch

In hopes of making the drama go away (LOL JoJo, you do know what show you're on, right??) the Herd and their Target Prey are leaving the mansion for the wilds of.....

Pennsylvania.

Umm... huzzah? I think? I mean, I've been there and I think the state is gorgeous... but c'mon big TV Show Budget... Thailand? Europe? Anything?

Anyways, the guys are all charged up and breaking in their new house...

#BetItWasWells

When a Date Card arrives! Luke gets the coveted 1-on-1 date and *gasp* forgot to smoulder for one hot second!!!!

#TyraWouldBeSoDisappointed

JoJo picks him up for his date and they dodge the paint being thrown by animal rights activists and make it safely onto their dog sled! Well, almost make it safely....

#Mush

They make it to their destination... a wood burning hot tub in the middle of the woods! Just what every girl wants... to get undressed and shiver in the cold, step over pine needles and get mosquito bites in all the wrong places... 

But hey! There's a Manly Man chopping wood, so at least the view's might nice, eh?

#PaulBunyan

JoJo just...sigh... doesn't... sigh... know what to say... sigh... about the Manly Man that is Luke...

I think that's the insanely hot water in the hot tub that got you all done, honey. 

Speaking of....another girl's dream right here... butt cuppage by an almost stranger while most likely sucking it all in like theres no tomorrow and praying he doesn't squeeze your cellulite on national TV...

Back at the new Herd Manor, Robby, Jordan and Alex are chit-chatting about the upcoming dates. Jordan thinks there could be a curveball 2-on-1 date....because producers told him to think that... and Alex ain't about cray shizz. 

Too bad Alex didn't look harder before he signed on the dotted line.

#GottaReadTheFinePrint

The Date Card arrives, and dun-dun-dunnnnnnnn....lo and behold... all the guys' names got called for the group date, but Chad and Alex! They got stuck on the 2-on-1 date. That's SO WEIRD. What a crazy COINCIDENCE that wasn't engineered that way for potential drama AT ALL. 

Alex decides to fling shizz at Chad, telling him he'll be going home and Chad thinks the only way to get to a man-child like Alex is to get physical. Just not in the present moment.

#HisHotCocoaIsReady

Back at the date, Luke Smoulder Pants is opening up to JoJo about his past.. how he was a platoon leader in the military, lost a good friend while deployed in Afghanistan, and how now he LIVES for those moments that make your hair stand up on the back of your neck...

#BurnTheFreakingHouseDown

JoJo is blown away by his confident sexiness (*cough-potential next Bachelor?- cough*) gives him a rose and says she has a "surprise" for him... which we all know is Bachelorette code for "let's go to our private concert and kiss and sway back and forth a bunch of times"

Other than this concert wasn't so private after all! 

#TotesNormalDate

BTW- you know how I "know" things? Well the real credit goes to Reality Steve. HE knows things. Just a warning though.. don't go to his site if you don't want to know what happens, and if, and who, JoJo ends up with!!!! He's a spoiler site!!!

The next day is the group date and the guys pull up to the Pittsburgh Steelers stadium (I totally had to ask my sports fiend husband what sports team was in Pennsylvania.. LOL. Me and sports.) and some famous football players Almost Convicted Rapist, Guy Who Was On Dancing With The Stars, and Some Big Dude ran the guys through some football drills...

via GIPHY

#PrayForEvan

Jordan is in his ELEMENT. Throwing balls is his JAM. He is like, super PROFESH.

#SeemsLegit

The guys have fun getting their aggression out on each other, until someone gets hurt and it's not all fun-n-games no more!!! James Taylor channels his inner Meatloaf when he takes a tackle straight to the head..

#PleaseTellMeYouKnowThatSong

James needs stitches but says no, no, no... because he needs to get out there and fight for his GIRL, and he got taken care of good enough....

#AudtioningForTheMummyReturns

Back at the house, the remaining guys are forced to sit around and converse with each other, and tensions are running high...

#QuitWhiningAndGrabABlanket

The group date continues with the guys splitting up into teams for a scrimmage game. Evan is in BEAST MODE and his sassy headband and all is making him feel kinda dangerous...

#LivingOnTheEdge

JorJor of course is the stud QB of the whole show and is just throwing DIMES out there....amongst other things...

Sad day, JorJor!!!!

The Blue Team pulls from behind to win the day!!!! Cue dramatic champions music and slow motion celebration moments of comradery...

#RahRahSisBoomBah

The winning team carts their prize, I mean, JoJo off the field to go drink and make merry!!!

LOL. Who doesn't love Evan? For reals.

The cocktail party gets hot and steamy and all kinds of Kanye Westy when Robby makes it KNOWN he's gaga over JoJo and her hoho's....

While JorJor is sweating and stressing about how tough it is to cope with the process of this show. SO many things that are just SO HARD right now... I mean, the struggle...

#Poof

JorJor and JoJo get their time together to paw at each other and go over their standard set of questions.... for the 80th million time...

Figure your shizz out, JoJo and JorJor!!! You two are driving me to drink. 

Jordan is starting to get swept away by his emotions and becoming confused, because things are just not going as he planned...

#KeepDreaming

Back at the house, the losing team has to deal with another night of Chad and his overly aggressive way of responding to every situation... he decides to finally get a show of hands of who there has a problem with him...

#AllTheHands

He tells everyone to just STOP TALKING TO HIM because he just wants to be left alone with his protein shakes and sweet potatoes... is that too much to ask???

The next day is the 2-on-1 date and Alex is putting on his fightin' gear....

#RealAmericanHero

While Chad is threatening Jordan... Chad thinks this needs to END. Jordan is going to go home one of these days, and Chad will FIND HIM. Does Jordan think he won't be able to??

via GIPHY

Chad's threats didn't sit well with the Teacher and he had to have a little time out and separate himself from his classmates... sigh. I hate when that happens. You just get into a good talk with your bestie... then BOOM.

#HappenedToMeALot

JoJo is not looking forward to this date at all and woke up feeling just SICK....

#ThosePeskyProducers

The odd threesome head into the woods for a little hike and some frolicking and Chad feels like he is on a 1-on-1 with JoJo and some tag-a-long child...

They end up at a river and JoJo takes Alex off to talk first. Chad don't care that he's gonna be second. Second is for winners. And if Alex talks about him... well, he'll just take his teeth out.

Which means, of course, Chad is ALL Alex talks about!!! He thinks Chad is sooo fake and wants JoJo to see that..

And tells JoJo that Chad made threats on her Pet Jordan... which just makes her MAD... because she gave Chad a second chance. She took a shot with him, because the producers made her.... I mean, she really gave it the ol' college try.... and how did he repay her??

#ThirdTimesNotACharm

(PS- can't you just imagine his real name is something like Chadwick???)

JoJo needs some time to think about how she can protect her Pet Jordan from Big Meanie Chad, and while she's off contemplating... Alex just can't figure out why he and Chad aren't besties. He expected them to be, since they are both Marines... but Alex.... honey, sometimes dreams just don't come true.

Chad and Alex just can't stop hatin' on each other, and then JoJo joins them and very briefly tells Chad his attitude is not appreciated and gives Alex the rose.

#NextOnNakedAndAfraid

JoJo and Alex leave the Enchanted Forest of Broken Dreams hand in hand.... while Chad wanders off to look for shelter and a clean water source...

While back at the new Herd Manor, the guys celebrate when a crew member comes and picks up Chad's suitcase!!!

And Evan was just off in the corner, all.....

via GIPHY

#CelebrateGoodTimesComeOn

Chad still just don't care. Obviously JoJo must be a *bleep* or an actress pretending to not want him...

...because who wouldn't want him???

#EverySmartWomanEver

Chad decides his time on TV is not over yet though, because he somehow makes it back to the house and knocks on the door... cuz... house keys are for people not kicked off, or something...

The guys are puzzled. 

Who could this be? 

Whatever could be going on?

Hells yeah, Guy We Don't Really Know The Name Of Cuz You Ain't No Thang....

At least he has the right idea.

Bring on the Thin Mints!

So there we leave off until next week when we find out what Chad is up too. LOL, that jokester. I bet it's something good!

Till next week, guys!