The Bachelorette Ep.3- Everyone's Gonna Die

I have to be honest... two episodes back to back this week 'bout near killed me. So sorry for the lateness of this recap, and your Episode 4 recap will be up... maybe this weekend, but probably Monday. 

At least if all the Bachelorette watching is going to kill me, I'd be in good company because guys... EVERYONE IS GONNA DIE!!! 

Basically Chad is down-right Pee-Ohhed with ALL Y'ALLS and the ONLY way to come to terms with anyone about anything, is with violence. 

#SaidNoSmartPersonEver

We start off with a view of Herd Manor after their migration season ends and the rivers have done their annual flooding of the plains. 

I liken this to Frat Life, really (have you BEEN to a frat house?? #NotClean) and the Manor was a total sh** show, as were the guys.

#PrayForTheHousekeepers

Chad ain't worried bout a thang though... life is good. He's sure that he and JoJo are like peanut butter and jelly, and his secret stash of deli meats survived the night unscathed.

#TheTurkeyIsInTheSilverwareDrawer

Evan sets the stage for the upcoming battle of Chad vs Everyone Else In The Entire Universe by explaining that Chad has two sides to him.. he's really quite a diverse, complicated creature, really...

#RIP

Date card arrives and is for a 1-on-1 date! Chase is SUPER pumped that the producers picked him to hang out with JoJo even though we all know she's all kinds of hot-n-bothered over Jordan and Luke at this point. 

But hey, a guy can dream.

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Seriously. Office Space. One of the funniest movies EVER.... but I digress. 

Back to the matter at hand. 

Finding fame on TV. 

I mean, love. Finding love on TV. Silly me. 

BTW- Poor Chris Harrison. He just has the worst job EVER.

#EarnThemDollaBills

Chase meets up with JoJo, who despite being a very tiny size 0, claims she's never done yoga and really wants to... so their date is getting their yoga on! And because this show just can't be normal, it's Hot & Intimate Yoga! Of course it is.

The instructor, Miss Some Hippie Name I Can't Remember, asks our couple how long they've been intimate, which just sets the stage for "awkward" right off the bat.

#ThingsAreGoingWell

If JoJo and Chase were expecting some stretching and warrior poses, they were soon in for a rude awakening when they were instructed to "tantrum-gasm"... as in... throw a tantrum, and get all that energy to make them.. you know. 

#MyChildsExactWords

Obviously a 4-year-old wrote the script for this episode... going "ooh yeah, let's throw in a tantrum. That's the BEST response to anything!"

Back at Herd Manor, the roids are raging and the veins are popping as Buff McGee and Hulk McPump-Iron get in their 14th workout of the day....in the shorts I'm pretty sure were left behind by one of the girl's last season.

#WhoWearsShortShorts

Nealism: (about to walk outside to the back yard, stops and pops head back in the house) "no way are they really working out like that. They're doing that on purpose. This is a joke"

Me: "No! This is a journey to find TRUE LOVE." 

And back at the date, JoJo, Chase, and Chase's life-size lion tattoo have to do what every normal person has to do on a first date. 

#RegrettingThatBreakfastBurrito

Since things couldn't POSSIBLY get any weirder, JoJo and Chase are told to straddle each other for yabgum. Or yanbum. Or yabba-dabba-do. Something like that.

#Mentos

They kiss, despite not having any Mentos on hand, and JoJo feels connected to him even though she barely knows him... um.... probably because their sweat melded their nether regions together. That shizz was probably more bonded than Super Glue.

Dinner portion of the date.. and I got bored. And drank some wine, and wasn't the only one who felt a little ho-hum about the vanilla conversation...

#TooNormalForThisShow

Basically he wants to be in love, wants to get married once, it's important to him to find the right person... blah blah blah... yada yada yada... all that stuff you say to someone you're just newly dating to trick them into thinking you're all totes normal.

JoJo loved that he was so genuine and lied to her about not being there for just Instagram fame and a possible spot on Bachelor In Paradise, and.. well... because the goods were nice too... she awarded him with a rose.

Then she tells him she has a surprise for him, which in Bachelorette-speak, translates to: "there is a small name band waiting to sing to us and watch us as we sway and kiss and it won't be creepy at all, lol"

#EarnThatGrammyNominee

Back at Herd Manor, Alpha Male Chad is baring his teeth and snapping at his fellows males.... because he got stuck on a group date. And who wants to go on a date with 12 other dudes? He thinks there are 12 other dudes at least. Maybe... 

#BetterTakeOffYourShoeAndUseYourToes

James Taylor is not ok with Chad's flippant attitude about being on the group date. SOME PEOPLE DIDN'T GET ANY DATES and not thinking about those poor unfortunate souls is just RUDE. You be GRATEFUL for what you have, Chad!!!

#Aretha

Jordan decides to poke Chad even further and comment about how he hopes the date is some benchpress challenge and not a spelling contest (which if it was a spelling contest I do hope James Taylor is there!) to which Chad fires back at Jordan that he's just an old, failed football player. 

Ohhh... that's below the belt!!!!

#FightingDirty

Poor Jordan, got his feelers hurt. Sad face.

Alex gets into the fray too and flings some verbal poo at Chad and gets it flung back and the other guys are just watching the whole thing go down in epic flames of glory...

#IVantToSuckYur....

The next day comes and Alex is really happy to be going on a date with ALL these people! You know.. 12 guys, himself, a douche (his words, not mine), a beautiful girl....

#TwelveLordsALeapin

The gang heads to a theater and is ushered inside to await what's going to come on stage...

#GiveMyRegardsToBroadway

Just to be shocked and astonished when a comedienne comes out and starts pretend to orgasm or something... maybe it was a mating call, or she was trying to pushing out a poop. Who knows. 

Either way, the guys' challenge is to each get up on stage and share a funny or embarrassing sex story!!! Because, yeah intimacy!!! Intimacy is important in a relationship!!!! So let's talk about it in a total humiliating way!! Seems legit.

The guys are PUMPED.

#RunAliRUN

Evan, on the other hand, who is an EXPERT in all things that sound like "brick" but start with a "p" is cool as a cucumber about this challenge.

#HappyHumpDay

The guys get time and copious amounts of alcohol to come up with their stories. 

But.... Chad doesn't want to tell a story. Chad's past is his past. Chad hasn't seen JoJo earn the right to know about him. Chad ain't playing....until Edward Cullen's cousin Daniel asks him if he likes JoJo... and if he does, then he should do it for her.

#InsertYetAnotherVampireJoke

Evan, being the "expert" and all that.. decides he's feeling a little mischievous. And he's letting his man-claws come out (hopefully to comb his hair better), so he's decided to use his turn to throw some shade in Chad's direction. 

Because David beat Goliath.... so... his odds must be good, no?

#WhoDoesn'tLoveJello?

And what happened next was pretty much a National crisis. I think even the President started to get concerned and was about to push the panic button.

We only saw a few of the guys' stories (thank you baby Jesus.. I did NOT need to hear 12 of those!) most them consisting of failed attempts at getting girls, doing things public places, and that annual chore of how to send out all those Christmas cards....

#NextTimeTryASponge

Evan was for sure the star of the show, with his jab at Chad, steroid usage and all things.... *ahem* small that are associated with the 'roids.

#NotTheOnlyItyBityThing

Alex was so PUMPED for Evan's performance... I mean, he must love him some nursery rhymes or something...

Don't worry.. the sun comes out and dries up all the rain, so Alex could relax again and get ready for the sing-a-long of Row Row Row Your Boat... 

Chad unfortunately... caught on to the subtle hints in Evan's story and realized the talk of steroids and isty bitsy things, was all about him... 

And he was TICKED. OFF.

#ByeEvan

When Evan was done and heading back to his seat all "la-ti-da, nothing goin' on here, just heading to mah seat..." he had to pass Chad and whoopsie!!! Somehow Evan's shirt got all ripped and stuff!!!! 

#Shirtgate2016

Chad went up on the stage and asked for an assistant... and since nobody raised their hands because well, they aren't stupid, JoJo got stuck with the role!!! 

He mumbled something about not worrying about pasts, looking at the future, his steroid daily schedule so she's in the know, yada yada.. then tries to kiss her.

#GoFish

Alex was thrilled with Chad's performance and just moved by the emotion of his performance.. I mean... standing ovation!!! Roses thrown on the stage!!! Tony award nomination!! Shakespeare!!

Nealism: "well that just wrote itself"

#NailedIt

Thankfully the date was over and all the audience member went to go rinse their eyes and ears out with bleach....

#Can'tUnhearThat

The guys head backstage and Chad decides to punch a metal door. Maybe he is upset he didn't get any bleach? Or maybe because he lost his hoodie? Or maybe just because he's Chad.. and Chad's gonna Chad. 

#SomeoneGetABandAid

Oh... I see. He's mad at Evan because Evan didn't give him his shirt, even after Chad tried to rip it off of him. Evan is SO selfish. Sheesh. 

Chad was downright upset and decided to talk to Evan in the most calm, rational, super-mature way ever. I mean, I was SO impressed at how he conducted himself, weren't you??

#Noxema

Since there's nothing better than a good ol' fashioned threat-to-ones-life than awkwardly sitting around and drinking and hoping to talk to the same girl.. it was time for the cocktail portion of the date!

Oh silly people.. it's PINK. Regina George is totes disappointed in y'all....

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Jordan talks to JoJo first and he's just talking away.. waxing poetic about how he's now READY... because he made mistakes in his past relationship and really LEARNED from cheating on her and then being blasted by her on Twitter about being a man-whore.. you know, all those important lessons we all have to just learn in life...

...but JoJo didn't really care since Jordan's kinda her JAM at the moment...

#TheirClothesWillFlyOff

It was such a good talk that JoJo feels like she really knows Jordan now... well, from their talk and um... other talks...

What, you didn't know that?? Oh yeah. Trust me. I know things.. those two were talking and texting long before the show even started... JoJo and JorJor 4-Ev-Vur

#LOL

The night proceeds on with JoJo being interrupted all the damn time by that pesky waiter who kept trying to eavesdrop on her conversations.. 

#CheckPlease

The boys oh-so-naturally (or because the producers told them to) started ripping into Chad again.. about why he's even here (to find love, duh)... and Chad just starts running his mouth about Evan. 

Evan pushed him first. 

Evan cooks when he cooks.

Evan follows him around the house.

See? It's not ALL bad, Chad...

In all fairness, Evan just wanted an apology and a new shirt... because one can't have too many super-tight V-neck shirts in one's wardrobe.

#BetterUseEbates

Back at Herd Manor, the guys get the next date card and Sad Sack Luke (aka- Luke All The Sads) said that if he didn't get a date, he'd just CRY. Or since he's Luke... he'll just...

#WhenInDoubtSmoulder

James Taylor got the 1-on-1 date and gosh almighty, he just can't believe it! A humble little ol' guy like him? Gee whiz and holey moley!! He'll be a-dating a pretty little lady!

Oh, and that too.. let's not forget this show needs to be renamed to #Fame

Back at the date, JoJo finally talks to Chad and he tries to explain to her that he's the real victim here.. all the scrawny guys love to pick on the bully.... JoJo is just so confused about him. He's sweet and he's a bit... well, not sweet sometimes....

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I mean, what's a girl to do???? Wouldn't the decision to date Chad just be SO HARD???

#StruggleIsReal

Bless Evan's heart, who is still trying so hard to win JoJo over, decides that maybe Chad has been right all along.. maybe women do want the big Alpha male, so he tells her he is gonna be stronger...

And confuses "stronger" with "whining about other guys" and tells JoJo that either he stays or Chad stays... she can't have her cake and eat it too, ya know. 

Which, understandably puts JoJo in an uncomfortable situation.

#DamnThoseSequins

I feel ya, girl... I used to dance when I was younger and those dance costumes? Woof. Talk about yer sequin burn. Yeesh. 

JoJo decides to throw Evan a bone and gives him a rose because the producers wanted to make Chad even more angry... 

Oh, well. That too. that too. Evan's a nice guy I suppose.

So we were all SHOCKED (not) when Evan waltzes back to the group displaying his rose and Chad pops a vein or two in his bulging forehead about it. 

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You tell him, Evan!!!!

On to the next day, we've firmly established that Chad is just not that nice, really... and all the guys are starting to feel a bit threatened. Especially Jim Derek who has to share a bunk with him...

So what does the show do to ensure the safety of the guys?

Grab a random staff person, rent a cheap costume and give him a squirt done!

#GottaProteinLoad

JoJo comes to pick up James Taylor for their 1-on-1 date and she hopes today goes well and she starts FEELING things for James, because right now he's just totes in the bestie zone and she kinda wants to do a face mask with him and stay up giggling till midnight talking about boys..

#YouAndADozenOtherWomen

JoJo and James's date is getting old-fashioned swing dance lessons from the sweetest little old lady I've ever seen. She tries her darndest but let's face it... these two aren't going pro anytime soon..

#SoLongDancingWithTheStarsAppearance

After their lesson of how to step on a girl's feet five billion times, they go out in the street and dance their little hearts out with a few extras hired for the day!

Nealism: "that's the token every-drunk-guy-at-a-wedding move he's doing right there"

Me: "you should know"

#TakesOneToKnowOne

Back at Herd Manor, the herd is all relaxing and talking and stuff and we get to experience the delight that is Daniel telling Chad to pretend he's like Hitler, ya know?

Chad doesn't want to pretend he's like Hitler so Daniel goes fishing for other super tyrannical world leaders to try to compare him to, to try and get Chad to be LESS like.... I don't know.... 

Mussolini.

Bush.

Trump.

A real collection of outstanding men he just mentioned there. 

Daniel's point was that Chad needs to be less like those guys, because Daniel is his BFF and so he's looking bad too, just out of association.

So that's why Hitler didn't have a bestie... it all makes sense now.

Chad however, is too busy making love to his sweet 'tater to pay Daniel much mind.

#ItsAGoodCarb

Back on the date, JoJo and James drive up to Makeout Point and go parking! As they wait for Danny and Sandy and all the other Pink Ladies to show up they talk about how James is so hard on himself and how he never thought he'd deserve a beautiful woman like JoJo.

JoJo thinks he's kind so, she gives out another sympathy rose so he won't continue to self-destruct and jump off the cliff..

Oh yeah, and that... 

So to the surprise of no one, he whips out his guitar and plays JoJo a song he wrote himself about love....

#BabyBabyBaby

The next day we get a good glimpse of the Herd working out and getting their sweat on... because... well Bros gotsa be Bros, ya know?

#RichardSimmonsIsTheBest

Chris Harrison arrives to tell the guys... dun dun dunnnnn!!! (cue the dramatic music) there will be NO COCKTAIL PARTY that night! 

#ClutchThePearls

Instead, there will be a pool party!!!! Get your water wings out, boys!

Before all the splishing and splashing can begin though, Evan feels it's his duty to tell Chris about all the ruckus Chad is causing amongst the masses...

#AndADoodieHead

Chris is like "alright, alright, I got this." and pulls Chad out to have a chat about trying to make amends with the guys and get along a bit better...

#ChadIsTVGold

Chad takes the talk really well and storms back into the house to a inner monologue about how he's going to kill everyone.. cut their legs and arms off their torsos and throw them all into the pool. 

Well this is gonna be quite the non-conventional pool party.

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Yep. Pretty much, guys... you're days are numbered, methinks...

See you back here on Monday for the Episode 4 recap!