The Bachelorette Ep.5- Bless the Broken, Dramatic Path to Love

Wednesday, June 22, 2016


The path to love is a treacherous one, my friends. 

One filled with Bootylicious Vampires,  a stop at Heartbreak Hotel, body cracks full of sand, and Close Talkers.

Let's have a moment of silence for JoJo's journey, as we all reflect on the perils our Queen faces each and EVERY episode just to find that happiness, that 3 carat free diamond ring, and that Instagram fame.

.............................................................shhhhhhhhhh.............................................................

#Amen

We start this week with the men still celebrating the demise of Chad... with a very thoughtful, very moving funeral ceremony they producers told them to put on. Nothing says "fare-thee-well, solider" than spreading the remains of his protein powder in the wilderness. 

You could almost hear the soft bugle music playing in the background....


#WeSaluteYou

But wait! LOL! Silly me. Some creepy Girl Scout, I mean, the Chad Bear showed up on the guys' doorstep, a-knock-knock-knocking to be let in, which the very enthusiast ban of gentlemen did...


Apparently Herd Manor is NOT like Motel 6... they will not leave the light on for ya. Sheesh. Rough crowd.

Chad acts like NO BIG DEAL and just lays into the guys immediately about how he was the victim, the guys cornered him, and he had no option but to lash out. Jordan tries to clear the air and make amends, telling Chad this was his chance to be a man and say he's sorry. 

Chad ain't playing that "I'm sorry" game though... 


#Aren'tWeAll

Jordan is officially DONE with Chad at that point. Nobody talks about his tresses like that, and lives to tell the tale...


#LatherRinseRepeat

The guys turn their back on Chad and for reals shut him out... and we bid adieu to our Scallywag... our Villain, our Rebel With A Cause to be Famous....


#Don'tLetTheDoorHitYaOnYourWayOut

Alex soon returns after his evening 1-on-1 time with JoJo and is received by a rousing rendition of For He's a Jolly Good Fellow, complete with a tickle fight and fireworks and the whole she-bang...


I mean, doesn't he deserve it? Going out into the woods with a Chad Bear is sure Risky Business. He probably needs a Cocktail right about now... after he basks in the glory of being Top Gun

I crack myself up. 

Soon we are on to the Cocktail Party and JoJo gets things started with an emotional speech about how she is just SO worried she won't get to know the guys all that well... because....


#PlayingFavorites

Let's just get it out there... we all KNOW Jordan is getting to the Top 4 at least..... my two cents is that it comes down to him and Luke, since I think those are the two strongest chemistry connections so far.. 

If you think that's a spoiler, I swear it's not... anyone can see those are the top two at this point, right?

Anyways.... 

JoJo talks to the guys, the guys steal her from one another, talk about how nervous they are, and start sizing up one another... trying to gauge the seriousness of each other's relationship with JoJo.

This guy... James? Nick? Jason? Ok, I dub thee... He That Shall Not Be Named and he wrote her a lovely poem....


#ShakespeareRolledHisEyes

While Luke stole her time over and over again, and admits he's falling for her....


If that ain't serious, I don't know what is...

Evan makes a very astute observation that now that Chad is gone, and the guys aren't banning together against one common enemy, he's worried they will start turning on each other. It almost makes him miss the big guy, ya know?


#AndButterflyKisses

Jordan pisses everyone off by taking a lot of JoJo's time to... um.... TALK and stuff, even though he was safe with a rose that night....


Well, whenever those two are ready to come up for air, we shall proceed.....

Going into the Rose Ceremony, Evan was all kinds of nervous because he didn't get much time with JoJo and was praying in the Beyonce way for her to "say mah name, say mah name".....


Unfortunately, JoJo did not say the name of Edward Cullen's wayward vampire cousin Daniel, and he peaced out... not before letting us all know that obviously JoJo was going on personality and not LOOKS, because #duh.... look at him compared to the likes of Evan... 


Mah body's too bootylicious for ya, baby.....

#Boom

JoJo then tells the remaining guys that they are traveling out of America! To.... Ur.....a-guay? Urrrr.....rope? No, Urrrr....anus??? Must be.


There was some slight confusion amongst the guys, so JoJo patiently explained they are going to Uruguay. You know. The country. In South America. Here's a globe. Educate yourself.

So off they all jetted and once in Uruguay, the Date Card came, declaring Jordan as the recipient of a 1-on-1 date, which was met by less than enthusiasm from the Herd...


#Crickets

They all see JoJo's attraction to Jordan, and think it's unfair that he just got a Group Date rose last week, is the obvious front runner, and now Hair Flip (as one guys calls him) gets all this extra time on a date to fondle the goodies....


#Funbags

Back at Herd Condo, Vinny has set up a barber shop and the guys are all a-chatting and geting their hair..... did and the hot topic of convo??? 


Oh, just the strategically placed gossip magazine (those darn producers, just leaving stuff around, all the time...) featuring a story about how JoJo got back together with her ex when she got home from Ben's season, and then dumped him in a hot second to go on and get famous as the Bachelorette... well, that and all the other goings-ons in Hollywood...


The guys start seriously doubting JoJo and her intentions. Was she there for the RIGHT REASONS???? Was she true??? Hmmm... me thinks no, and so does Truvy....


#SteelMagnoliasSpeakTruth

After that, the magazine disappeared for awhile and no one could find it...


#OhEvan

Meanwhile, oblivious to all the chatter about JoJo's intentions... Team JoJoJordJord were ignoring their dinner and having a seriously conversation about how JoJo "ran into" one of Jordan's ex-girlfriends once and was told by her that he wasn't a very good boyfriend... and well, JoJo wanted Jordan to explain the TRUTH....


Jordan started to twitch and come up with a convincing excuse as to what happened in his past relationships and who it could have been who tattled on him...


#OneInAThousandChance

And ends up blaming all his bad behavior, cheating, and over-flirting to the stress of trying to play professional football and not succeeding. 

He tricks convinces JoJo that his intentions are sincere and now he's falling in LOVE with her, and wouldn't say that unless he was SERIOUS and looking to nab the next Bachelor gig, or a sports broadcasting job or modeling career....


#HePinkySwears

After the date, JoJo is on a high that NOTHING could ruin... until a producer throws that pesky gossip magazine at her and she's like "WTF is this?"


JoJo FREAKS out over the story and is so MAD that her ex does this kind of sh** to her. She rushes to explain herself to the guys, and tells them that she means business. She's here to find love, and doesn't want to be in THAT magazine and be talked about.


#USWeeklyWouldHaveBeenOkToo

The guys believe her, comfort her... and on we march down the treacherous path toward finding true love that lasts for a few months until new-found celebrity careers get in the way...

The next day is the Group Date and Jordan and Robby are left behind to have a terrible time at the 4-star resort...


While the Herd is having the BEST time out in the wind and rain, trying to sand board... which usually works best when you actually have a board. Just a thought, James Taylor...


#He'llBeFindingSandInBodyPartsForWeeks

We go into the Cocktail Party portion of the date and JoJo's broken heart over the magazine story is still hot conversation with her and all the guys...at least they understand though, right?


#LonelyCowboy

Jim Derek is starting to feel very awkward and insecure because he got that very first 1-on-1 date, but in the last few weeks, has barely had time with JoJo... so... where does he stand? Where is he? He's not where he thought he'd be...


Better check with Pam on that one....

Jim Derek confides to JoJo that he's been jealous in the past weeks but he's here now, and that's what matters...

Nealism: (just enters the room, sits down next to me and puts a hand on my arm) "babe, I'm here now. I'm here."

Alex is picking up the slack Chad left behind and playing the part of Overly Confident On The Verge of Being Cocky Guy and decides he doesn't like Jim Derek and his range of emotions that make him... oh I don't know... a sensitive human??? How dare Jim Derek actually feel things. It makes Alex wanna call him out...


#TattleTell

Things get even worse for Alex when JoJo gives the rose to "someone she wants to give some reassurance to" and gives it to Jim Derek.... Alex doesn't get why she would go for that (his words, not mine) "insecure little bitch"


#SayHelloToTheNewVillain

Which sucks. I liked Alex. I liked him from the start.... until now. Now, he's just on my last nerve (or is that my 4-year-old begging for milk?? Either or) and needs to learn there is a difference between confidence and arrogance. 

Fine line, Alex. Fine line.

The next day JoJo decides to dump all these yahoos and declares a final rose winner!!!!


I totally support her decision!!!!

#MazelTov

Robby meets up with her for their 1-on-1 date and they have some street cart food and the vendor asks if they are married...


#CloseButNoCigarRobby

While back at Herd Condo, the guys are discussing the mathematics of the remaining roses... if there are 8 guys, and you get rid of 2 and carry the 1, but there are only 5 roses... how many guys with #AllTheSads do you have?



#Calculus

All the roses are becoming SO important at this point because it's getting closer and closer to the final countdown. Alex still can't figure out why JoJo would give Jim Derek a rose to reassure him... doesn't Jim Derek know that's a PITY rose? Who the hell wants a PITY rose anyways??? Obvs only the children in the group do, because in Alex's mind, there are grown-ass MEN there trying to move forward with JoJo...


Back at the date, Robby so wants to tell JoJo that he is legit in LOVE with her...

Nealism: (whispering)-"don't do it!!!!!"

And doesn't listen to my husband and goes ahead and launches into his sob story of how a good friend of his died right when his life was beginning and from that point, Robby decided NO MORE... no more serious girlfriend, no more dumb job, or dumb city.... he had to start LIVING....


#TheManNeedsAToothpick

Robby thinks he did good, and that it's ok JoJo couldn't say she loves him in return, because he's on the PATH, man, the path to victory....


The next day, it's time for a Cocktail Party and Rose Ceremony and Jim Derek tries to pull Alex, Robby, Chase and Jordan aside to get a little performance together to entertain JoJo, but miserably fails...


Some things are best left to the masters, Jim Derek....


Really, Jim Derek tries to talk to those guys about how they need to stop acting like they are high school and making him feel weird and awkward, and the guys fight back and get pissed that Jim Derek is taking their precious could-be-fondling-JoJo-time so let's just say.... the group won't be going on tour anytime soon. 

Time for roses, and Evan's feeling blue.. he puts himself in the bottom every week and he needs to just stop that already!! He wants to be a front runner for once!!!!


See Evan? To three little humans out there, you are the world. Don't you forget that. 

Alex gets his rose and proves that whining a ton will eventually get you things (don't let your kids watch this show) and I had to laugh at how he was a total Close Talker....


Nealism- "I want you to feel my belt buckle..."

Don't know the Close Talker joke? I feel sad for you... go watch every Seinfeld episode, then meet me back here. 

#You'reWelcome


Sadly, we say goodbye to Evan and Vinny..... the treacherous path didn't lead them to JoJo, but never fear!!!! Their path is turning into hot beach sand, littered with drinks a-plenty and a few beautiful blondes from Ben's season...


See ya on Bachelor In Paradise, guys!

Well, that's it for this week guys... JoJo's path is certainly dangerous, and I feel like I need to call in Dora the Explorer and her trusty backpack or something to help her get through, don't you??

See you all here next week!!! I'll be absent from BlogLand for the rest of the week and the weekend because we are off on vacation! Like for reals!!! Whoop!!! Oh, the children are coming though... so I take that back. I'll be off to yell at my kids in a place other than my normal house.

#SoRelaxing

Bye!!!

The Bachelorette Ep. 4- Hashtag All The Vibes

Wednesday, June 15, 2016

Well, well... we meet again! 

Since I'm late in getting this recap to you... let's just dive right in, shall we??

This week, we started feeling Hashtag All The Vibes...

Episode 4 (aka The Chad Bro Show) took off right as Chad-a-rino was told by Chris Harrison to play nice with the other males in the herd. He tries to talk to the guys (never apologizing, mind you.. because he's the VICTIM in all this) and halfheartedly make amends.

Evan tells him that he owes him an apology and a new shirt, to which Chad shrugs and offers Evan $20 to go on a shopping spree at his local mall.... 


#BargainShopper

JoJo arrives soon after to get the pool party started and we quickly get down to the real reason all the guys are there....


Cameraman B is having pretty much the #BestDayEver as I drink wine on the couch and try and figure out how to pay for a set of knockers myself... cuz... da-yam!!!

The pool party chugs along nicely with the totes normal happenings of floating swans, diving in the pool fully clothed, taking shots of booze, JoJo's boobs bouncing around, throwing pool toys... oh, and resident Delicate Flower Evan getting a bloody nose. 

#EveryoneOutWeNeedToDrainThePool

JoJo and Jordan go off to paw each other... I mean, talk...


#MattressMambo

You two knock that shizz off!!!! Didn't you read the Bachelor Rules handbook?? "Thou shalt not jump into suitor's arms and wrap thy legs 'round yonder waist till thou hast surpassed Hometown Dates."

It's right there in black and white, JoJo. Figure it out. 

So the whole JorJor and JoJo dynamic is about driving me nuts and I can't hardly watch them anymore. They talk about NOTHING interesting...


#LikeABabysButt

Their conversations consist of the same three lines...

"you make me nervous"
"I like you, but you are like, too good to be true and that scares me"
"I just have so many questions for you"

Ok, lemme give you some advice, you young whipper-snappers.. got questions? ASK THEM. That's a novel concept. Quit fiddle-farting around. He makes you nervous? DRINK MORE OR TAKE A XANAX. Or, try some of that meditative yoga you learned with Chase. Think he's too good to be true? HE'S PLAYING YOU GIRLFRIEND!!!!!

After plenty of leg stroking JoJo tears herself away to spend some time with the other upstanding men in her presence. I give you... Mr. Who Wants Ice Cream When You Can Have Steak???


#Truth

Chad doesn't understand how JoJo could like a man like him (Steak) and a man like Evan (Ice Cream) because they are like kids and sleep. You know, two things that totally DON'T go together. 

Chad just feels like he's in middle school or something, which isn't true because where are the braces? The permed hair? The overly baggy overalls??? 

Well, according to Chad all the guys are talking about him... which they are... and about how they don't feel safe, and why there is a Security Guard on the premises now...


#YaLilyLiveredVarmit

Chad decides that Jim Derek is a big problem and confronts him... there is a lot of man-talk going on, and they fling shizz back and forth at each other, and here is a Cliffs Notes version..


I saved you about 10 mins of your life. 

#YoureWelcome

Pool party is over.. everyone is burned and hot and drained from day drinking... so let's make things more stressful and have a Rose Ceremony!!! Of course the big thought is that Chad's gots-ta go....but... those producers, man. They make JoJo keep the dude around, because Chad is the Spirit Animal of Reality TV.


#ShakeForBreakfastShakeForLunch

In hopes of making the drama go away (LOL JoJo, you do know what show you're on, right??) the Herd and their Target Prey are leaving the mansion for the wilds of.....


Pennsylvania.

Umm... huzzah? I think? I mean, I've been there and I think the state is gorgeous... but c'mon big TV Show Budget... Thailand? Europe? Anything?

Anyways, the guys are all charged up and breaking in their new house...


#BetItWasWells

When a Date Card arrives! Luke gets the coveted 1-on-1 date and *gasp* forgot to smoulder for one hot second!!!!


#TyraWouldBeSoDisappointed

JoJo picks him up for his date and they dodge the paint being thrown by animal rights activists and make it safely onto their dog sled! Well, almost make it safely....


#Mush

They make it to their destination... a wood burning hot tub in the middle of the woods! Just what every girl wants... to get undressed and shiver in the cold, step over pine needles and get mosquito bites in all the wrong places... 

But hey! There's a Manly Man chopping wood, so at least the view's might nice, eh?


#PaulBunyan

JoJo just...sigh... doesn't... sigh... know what to say... sigh... about the Manly Man that is Luke...


I think that's the insanely hot water in the hot tub that got you all done, honey. 

Speaking of....another girl's dream right here... butt cuppage by an almost stranger while most likely sucking it all in like theres no tomorrow and praying he doesn't squeeze your cellulite on national TV...


Back at the new Herd Manor, Robby, Jordan and Alex are chit-chatting about the upcoming dates. Jordan thinks there could be a curveball 2-on-1 date....because producers told him to think that... and Alex ain't about cray shizz. 

Too bad Alex didn't look harder before he signed on the dotted line.


#GottaReadTheFinePrint

The Date Card arrives, and dun-dun-dunnnnnnnn....lo and behold... all the guys' names got called for the group date, but Chad and Alex! They got stuck on the 2-on-1 date. That's SO WEIRD. What a crazy COINCIDENCE that wasn't engineered that way for potential drama AT ALL. 

Alex decides to fling shizz at Chad, telling him he'll be going home and Chad thinks the only way to get to a man-child like Alex is to get physical. Just not in the present moment.


#HisHotCocoaIsReady

Back at the date, Luke Smoulder Pants is opening up to JoJo about his past.. how he was a platoon leader in the military, lost a good friend while deployed in Afghanistan, and how now he LIVES for those moments that make your hair stand up on the back of your neck...


#BurnTheFreakingHouseDown

JoJo is blown away by his confident sexiness (*cough-potential next Bachelor?- cough*) gives him a rose and says she has a "surprise" for him... which we all know is Bachelorette code for "let's go to our private concert and kiss and sway back and forth a bunch of times"

Other than this concert wasn't so private after all! 


#TotesNormalDate

BTW- you know how I "know" things? Well the real credit goes to Reality Steve. HE knows things. Just a warning though.. don't go to his site if you don't want to know what happens, and if, and who, JoJo ends up with!!!! He's a spoiler site!!!

The next day is the group date and the guys pull up to the Pittsburgh Steelers stadium (I totally had to ask my sports fiend husband what sports team was in Pennsylvania.. LOL. Me and sports.) and some famous football players Almost Convicted Rapist, Guy Who Was On Dancing With The Stars, and Some Big Dude ran the guys through some football drills...



#PrayForEvan

Jordan is in his ELEMENT. Throwing balls is his JAM. He is like, super PROFESH.


#SeemsLegit

The guys have fun getting their aggression out on each other, until someone gets hurt and it's not all fun-n-games no more!!! James Taylor channels his inner Meatloaf when he takes a tackle straight to the head..


#PleaseTellMeYouKnowThatSong

James needs stitches but says no, no, no... because he needs to get out there and fight for his GIRL, and he got taken care of good enough....


#AudtioningForTheMummyReturns

Back at the house, the remaining guys are forced to sit around and converse with each other, and tensions are running high...


#QuitWhiningAndGrabABlanket

The group date continues with the guys splitting up into teams for a scrimmage game. Evan is in BEAST MODE and his sassy headband and all is making him feel kinda dangerous...


#LivingOnTheEdge

JorJor of course is the stud QB of the whole show and is just throwing DIMES out there....amongst other things...


Sad day, JorJor!!!!

The Blue Team pulls from behind to win the day!!!! Cue dramatic champions music and slow motion celebration moments of comradery...


#RahRahSisBoomBah

The winning team carts their prize, I mean, JoJo off the field to go drink and make merry!!!


LOL. Who doesn't love Evan? For reals.

The cocktail party gets hot and steamy and all kinds of Kanye Westy when Robby makes it KNOWN he's gaga over JoJo and her hoho's....


While JorJor is sweating and stressing about how tough it is to cope with the process of this show. SO many things that are just SO HARD right now... I mean, the struggle...


#Poof

JorJor and JoJo get their time together to paw at each other and go over their standard set of questions.... for the 80th million time...


Figure your shizz out, JoJo and JorJor!!! You two are driving me to drink. 

Jordan is starting to get swept away by his emotions and becoming confused, because things are just not going as he planned...


#KeepDreaming

Back at the house, the losing team has to deal with another night of Chad and his overly aggressive way of responding to every situation... he decides to finally get a show of hands of who there has a problem with him...


#AllTheHands

He tells everyone to just STOP TALKING TO HIM because he just wants to be left alone with his protein shakes and sweet potatoes... is that too much to ask???

The next day is the 2-on-1 date and Alex is putting on his fightin' gear....


#RealAmericanHero

While Chad is threatening Jordan... Chad thinks this needs to END. Jordan is going to go home one of these days, and Chad will FIND HIM. Does Jordan think he won't be able to??



Chad's threats didn't sit well with the Teacher and he had to have a little time out and separate himself from his classmates... sigh. I hate when that happens. You just get into a good talk with your bestie... then BOOM.


#HappenedToMeALot

JoJo is not looking forward to this date at all and woke up feeling just SICK....


#ThosePeskyProducers

The odd threesome head into the woods for a little hike and some frolicking and Chad feels like he is on a 1-on-1 with JoJo and some tag-a-long child...


They end up at a river and JoJo takes Alex off to talk first. Chad don't care that he's gonna be second. Second is for winners. And if Alex talks about him... well, he'll just take his teeth out.


Which means, of course, Chad is ALL Alex talks about!!! He thinks Chad is sooo fake and wants JoJo to see that..


And tells JoJo that Chad made threats on her Pet Jordan... which just makes her MAD... because she gave Chad a second chance. She took a shot with him, because the producers made her.... I mean, she really gave it the ol' college try.... and how did he repay her??


#ThirdTimesNotACharm

(PS- can't you just imagine his real name is something like Chadwick???)

JoJo needs some time to think about how she can protect her Pet Jordan from Big Meanie Chad, and while she's off contemplating... Alex just can't figure out why he and Chad aren't besties. He expected them to be, since they are both Marines... but Alex.... honey, sometimes dreams just don't come true.


Chad and Alex just can't stop hatin' on each other, and then JoJo joins them and very briefly tells Chad his attitude is not appreciated and gives Alex the rose.


#NextOnNakedAndAfraid

JoJo and Alex leave the Enchanted Forest of Broken Dreams hand in hand.... while Chad wanders off to look for shelter and a clean water source...


While back at the new Herd Manor, the guys celebrate when a crew member comes and picks up Chad's suitcase!!!


And Evan was just off in the corner, all.....

#CelebrateGoodTimesComeOn

Chad still just don't care. Obviously JoJo must be a *bleep* or an actress pretending to not want him...


...because who wouldn't want him???

#EverySmartWomanEver

Chad decides his time on TV is not over yet though, because he somehow makes it back to the house and knocks on the door... cuz... house keys are for people not kicked off, or something...


The guys are puzzled. 

Who could this be? 
Whatever could be going on?


Hells yeah, Guy We Don't Really Know The Name Of Cuz You Ain't No Thang....

At least he has the right idea.

Bring on the Thin Mints!

So there we leave off until next week when we find out what Chad is up too. LOL, that jokester. I bet it's something good!

Till next week, guys!