It's here Bachelor Nation!!!
#FistPump
They have released the cast of JoJo's Bachelorette season (don't forget it starts next Monday 5/23!! Get your wine purchased and ready!!)
These bios always crack me up.... you can tell the guys are trying to be romantic and give the right answers and they just come off as super corny.
So where there is corny... there is me and my snarky opinions.
#MatchMadeInHeaven
Let's take a peek at who will be trying to get famous win JoJo's heart!
Eyes on the prize JoJo... eyes on the prize...
#AllTheFame
(I have linked each guy to their full bio...I'm only highlighting the better parts.. all pictures and bios courtesy ABC. My comments are in italics)
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Occupation: U.S. Marine
Tattoos: Yes. They are all family or work-related.
All-time favorite movies: Troy, Inglourious Basterds, 300
Do you like to go out dancing? Not really. I typically will only slow dance. I’m not into the whole “booty dancing” thing.
Do you consider yourself a romantic and why? Yes. I love being in love and enjoy having someone look into my eyes and be able to just be themselves.
What’s the most outrageous thing you’ve ever done? Ripped the door off a totaled, burning car and pulled the unconscious driver out to safety.
*A work related tattoo?? That's genius! I'm so gonna go get a big Excel spreadsheet across my whole chest! brb... ok I'm back... you like Troy and 300? So... buff men in skimpy skirts fighting each other. Hmm.. I like that too. Maybe we can be besties? Do face masks?*
Age: 27
Occupation: Bartender
All-time favorite movies: Midnight in Paris, Dumb and Dumber, Her
I love it when my date...: Dresses sexy
Do you have a serious fear of any animal? Bugs, cockroaches, bees
What’s the most embarrassing style you’ve rock? Had really long hair… ew.
What does being married mean to you? Partnership in life, with limitless love and passion.
What’s your favorite flower? Seriously? ROSE!
*Limitless love? Better not leave the toilet seat up and have your partner fall in at 1am... you'll learn there are limits to love REAL FAST. And your favorite flower is a rose? OMG SO original! I like, love how you thought of that all on your own and wasn't persuaded by the producers at all. #YouKeepDoingYou*
Age: 28
Occupation: Hipster
What are your three best attributes? Humble, creative, athletic
All-time favorite movies: Good Will Hunting, The Dark Knight, Her
Do you consider yourself a romantic and why? Yes, hopeless. I see love everywhere. I want to experience someone from the inside out. I want The Notebook-type of experience.
What’s your biggest date fear? Being so attracted to her that I don’t know how to approach her or be myself.
What is your ideal mate’s personality? Adventurous, smart, cultural, great sense of humor. Someone who makes people around them better.
*An athletic hipster? Do those even exist?? Is he the unicorn of hipsters? And I wouldn't worry about not knowing how to approach a girl, Brandon... the producers will coerce you into weird props, costumes, pick-up lines and stealing JoJo away and make everyone else hate you. So don't you fret your little glossy head.*
Age: 28
Occupation: Luxury Real Estate Agent
What are your three best attributes? Confidence, good-hearted, witty
All-time favorite movies: The Notebook (don’t make fun of me), Runner Runner, Forgetting Sarah Marshall
Who do you admire most in the world and why? Myself in 10 years, alright, alright, alright.
What’s your worst date memory? A girl got blackout drunk and passed out during dinner.
If you could be someone else for just one day, who would it be and why? Myself in 10 years, alright, alright, alright.
If you could have lunch with one person, who would it be and why? Myself in 10 years, alright, alright, alright.
What is your greatest achievement to date? Being born good looking.
*Chad, yo. honeycakes...listen. NO. Just NO. There is one Matthew McConaughey in the world already... alright, alright alright?? And you ain't him so just STOP. Methinks your date got passed out drunk to avoid your vain ass... #JustAGuess*
Age: 27
Occupation: Medical Sales Rep.
What are your three best attributes? Honest, ambitious, sense of humor
All-time favorite movies: Gladiator, Ace Ventura, The Chronicles of Narnia
If you could be someone else for just one day, who would it be and why? My dad, to get a better understanding of the decisions he made.
What does your ideal mate look like? Athletic build, natural beauty, perfect teeth.
What’s your biggest date fear? The girl falling in love... and you’re not so into it.
Meatloaf said he would “do anything for love, but he won’t do that.” What will you not do? Sell my truck.
*So many questions.. you want a better understanding of your Dad's decisions? Like why he had you? Or ff he wore a fannypack? Or if he ever traveled around with the Grateful Dead in the 70's, and if not... does he regret that? SO. MANY. QUESTIONS. And PS....I hope your truck snuggles real good at night*
Age: 26
Occupation: Telecom Consultant
What are your three best attributes? Work ethic, ability to assimilate and connect with all types of people, ambitious and hungry to learn
All-time favorite movies: The Lord of the Rings, Star Wars, The Matrix
I hate it when my date…: Is extremely high-maintenance and snobby. I try to avoid pretentious people.
What’s the most outrageous thing you have ever done? Strip shows and lap dances in college.
What are the top 3 things on your bucket list? 1) Build a relationship with Mark Cuban and earn his respect. 2) Take a trip to space to experience the process and snap some epic selfies! 3) Spoil my grandchildren.
*He tries to avoid pretentious people yet uses the word "assimilate"... cough #PotMeetKettle cough...and oooh! A space selfie??? No no, an EPIC space selfie??? RUN JOJO RUN!!! Ain't nobody got time for a man who uses the phrase "epic selfie"*
Age: 27
Occupation: Real Estate Consultant”
Tattoos: None, but I’m interested in getting one.
All-time favorite movies: Gladiator, The Godfather, Dazed and Confused
What’s your favorite holiday and why? 4th of July…because ‘Merica.
What’s your worst date memory? When she told me she was moving in – a week after the first date.
What’s your all-time favorite book and why? The Harry Potter series. It’s something that I grew up with and it got me into reading.
Do you consider yourself a romantic and why? Yes, because fire will never stay lit forever, so you’ll need sparks at opportune times.
I love it when my date…: Doesn’t take her phone out of her purse.
*He's interested in getting a tattoo? Might I suggest "Property of JoJo" across your bum? Yes, no? And you should so go be besties with Grant, he LOVES him some Harry Potter talk!*
Age: 29
Occupation: Commercial Banker
What are your three best attributes? My baby blues seem to get a lot of front-end attention, thirst for knowledge and learning, compassion for others.
Who do you admire most in the world and why? I think in history, this would fall to Ben Franklin. He was able to view the world with childlike wonder to feed his creative/inventive side and balance that with a work ethic that produced massive shifts for the greater good.
If you were stranded on a desert island, what 3 things would you bring with you and why? And what, under any circumstance, could you not tolerate on that island? As long as the island wasn’t covered in cucumbers, I’d be all right. The only thing a man really needs is duct tape.
Do you have a serious fear of any kind of animal? Fluffy kittens.
What is the most outrageous thing you have ever done?: Drunkenly skinny-dipping in the ocean at 3am when the sharks are all active.
*And I quote: "this would befall to Ben Franklin".... Derek, honey... the award for the most poser-ish of all the bios befalls to you. #Huzzah. Speak normal!!!! And the only Ben Franklin talk that's gonna excite JoJo is the one about his picture being printed on that hundred dolla dolla bill, yo. #HereHaveACucumber*
Age: 31
Occupation: Male Model
Tattoos: No — same reason you don’t put stickers on a lambo.
What are your three best attributes? Honesty, experienced, friendly
What’s your biggest date fear? That she doesn’t look like she does in pictures. Or when on a date, she embarrasses me in a restaurant.
Do you consider yourself a romantic and why? No, but I can have good manners and do little things which a girl would love.
Are you comfortable wearing swimwear in public? Very comfortable. Why have a lambo if you park it in the garage?
*OH.EMM.GEE Daniel! You are like so totes amazeballs in your calling a Lamborghini a lambo... I mean, like so hip wit it and all. I can't wait to see you kissing your muscles in the mirror... I know Abercrombie & Fitch going bankrupt is hard on your "modeling" career but I hear a good way to get exposure is to go on The Bachelorette. Whatcha think? #JustASuggestion*
Age: 33
Occupation: Erectile Dysfunction Expert
What are your three best attributes? Openness, fun, first impression
All-time favorite movies: Home Alone, Christmas Vacation, Good Will Hunting
If you could be someone else for just one day, who could it be and why? Trump, just to see what the heck is in that guy’s head.
Do you like to go out dancing? If yes, what is your preferred type of dancing? Booty – love it!
What are your deal-breakers when it comes to relationships? Girls with chipped nail polish, girls who talk too much, narcissists, clingers, girls who have serious food allergies.
Do you consider yourself a romantic and why? Yes, I believe I’m in touch with my sexual energy and it’s very powerful and beautiful.
*By day... he's a overly-picky hater of chipped nail polish and food allergies... by night.. he's... VIAGRA-MAN!!! Our illustrious superhero is out to save intimacy, one erectile dysfunction at a time... tune in each week to watch Viagra-Man spread the little blue pill to the masses and avoid girls with celiac disease!! Dun-da-dunnnn!!!!!!!!!!!!!!*
Age: 27
Occupation: Firefighter
What are your three best attributes? I’m thoughtful, good at making people smile, and I make people feel appreciated.
All-time favorite movies: Home Alone, The Bourne Identity, Ninja Turtles (the original one)
What’s the most outrageous thing you have ever done? Evaded police in Mexico on an ATV.
What is your most embarrassing moment? Being slapped in the face by an ex at a bar.
Do you consider yourself a romantic and why? Yes, even if I’m just hooking up with a girl, I still do cute stuff for them all the time.
What’s your worst date memory? Getting lunch with a girl and listening to her talk about Harry Potter for 20 minutes.
*Ah.. that's so SWEET that even if he's just casually hooking up with a girl he'll be all nice to her and lead her on and make her think they are together and then not answer her texts or her calls but then show up at her house and want to hook up and then disappear for weeks and then send her flowers and make her all bat-shit crazy and such.... awe.... #He'sAKeeper*
Age: 26
Occupation: Landscape Architect
All-time favorite movies: Ninja Turtles III, Skyfall, The Hangover
Where do you see yourself in five years? Married to the Bachelorette with our first child.
Do you have a serious fear of any kind of animal? Of course not. Top of the food chain.
If you could have one superpower, what would it be and why? How would you use it? I would love to fly, because traffic in LA sucks. I’m sure I would use it to help others as well.
I love it when my date…: Asks me, “What would you like to do next?”
I hate it when my date…: Chews with her mouth open.
*I'll bet you $5 the Landscape Architect will make at least one bad joke about "trimming a bush" at some point..... and he's the top of the food chain? I see your claim and up you Shark Attacks. Or Bear Attacks. Or Snake Bites. Come here and let me chew my carrots around you with my mouth open, Jakey-Poo....*
Age: 34
Occupation: Boxing Club Owner
All-time favorite movies: A River Runs Through It, Gladiator, Les Miserables
What’s the most embarrassing style you’ve rocked? Buzz cut with big bangs up front – ridiculous.
What does being married mean to you? Life-long commitment. I see it as a huge, huge deal. Too many divorces are happening. I would love to have the marriage my parents have.
Do you follow a specific diet? Yes, carb cycling.
What is your all-time favorite book and why? Besides the Bible (since that seems cliché!), I liked The Circle series by Ted Dekker, or Wizard’s First Rule. Both create such vivid battle scenes you can almost smell the environment.
*WTF is carb cycling... brb... gotta Google... ah I see. So basically you spend half your life being a hangry a**hole on your no carb days?? That sounds like a fun way to be. And your fav book has vivid battle scenes you can almost smell? So basically you like the smell of blood, sweat and death? #YouScary*
Age: 27
Occupation: Bachelor Superfan
All-time favorite movies: Good Will Hunting, The Notebook, Top Gun
Do you consider yourself a romantic and why? Yes, very much so. I’ve been intimate with very few women because I think sex is very important and not to be taken lightly. Never had a one-night stand or any intimacy with anyone I haven’t gotten to know for a while.
If you could be any superhero, which one would you be and why? Duh, Superman! He can’t die and there’s no such thing as Kryptonite on Earth, so I’d be set.
I love it when my date…: Doesn’t attempt to pay for the bill. Two things women shouldn’t touch on a date: the door and the bill.
*Ohhh Bachelor Superfan is your job? How do I get that job? Does it pay well? Benefits? 401k options? Hmmm??? So intimacy is a big deal to you, you say? That's cool, same here... but you do realize you are on a show ALL ABOUT sucking face and getting it on with someone you barely know, right? Did you get lost on the way to casting?? 7th Heaven was canceled years ago, btw.*
Age: 29
Occupation: Singer-Songwriter
If you could be anyone else for just one day, who would it be and why? Michael Jordan – just to know what true greatness feels like.
What is your favorite flower? Red rose…Duh!
If you were stranded on a desert island, what 3 things would you bring with you? And what, under any circumstance, could you not tolerate on that island? Umbrella, cold beer (unlimited supply, of course), and a beautiful woman. I think I could tolerate just about anything under those conditions!
Do you consider yourself a romantic and why? Absolutely. Love making a girl smile. I get it from my daddy!
*Wait.. so there are three guys named James... yet you get to use your full last name? Why you so special, huh?? You need to be James T and just deal with it!!! Oh.. you're a singer-songwriter. I see. Now that makes sense... so you are SO here to totally fall in mad love and live 4-ev-ver with JoJo and NOT promote your singing career in the least bit. Oh silly me to have not realized that! LOL*
Age: 29
Occupation: Technical Sales Rep
Tattoos: Yes, my grandma on my inner arm and a tiger and Asian artwork on my left shoulder.
What are your three best attributes? Sense of humor, calm demeanor, and my hair
If you could be someone else for just one day, who would it be and why? I would be someone incredibly poor in a third world country to see what it’s like and appreciate what I have.
What is your greatest achievement to date? Buying my own home and completing the renovations myself.
What foods do you most dislike? Pretty much all vegetables. I eat like a 12 year old.
*Ok Jon.. can I call you Jon? Good. I think Grandma is pretty pissed her tattoo is covered up by a shirt that looks like a priest had a fight with a gigolo. Please contact the show What Not To Wear like yesterday, and get that fixed... mmmkay?*
Age: 27
Occupation: Former Pro Quarterback
Would you describe yourself as “the party-starter,” “the wingman” or “the laid back one”? 1A: Wingman, 1B: Party starter
All-time favorite movies: Gladiator, Wedding Crashers, Princess Bride
Do you have any phobias that would prohibit your participation in certain activities? I have a fear of heights, but I’ve been skydiving and I love challenging my fears. Bring it on!
What’s the wildest thing you’ve done in the bedroom? Try to hang a TV on the wall without directions or a stud finder.
I love it when my date…: Wants to do something spontaneous.
I hate it when my date…: Doesn’t want to eat in front of me.
*So if playing college football makes you a former pro, then my stint at mall modeling in high school makes me a former pro model, right? Totes. I just can't get over how RANDOM it is you showed up on this show.. I mean, with your brother being the famous real-pro quarterback Aaron Rodgers and his girlfriend being the actress Olivia Munn... I mean, WHAT ARE THE CHANCES you end up on THIS SHOW where fame is to be had... SO WEIRD. JoJo won't be interested in you and your famous family like, at all... #SadForYou.*
Age: 31
Occupation: War Veteran
If you could have lunch with one person, who would it be and why? Mark Cuban, because I want to know what he thinks made him successful.
If you could be any superhero, which one would you be and why? Superman, because he’s got swag and powers.
I hate it when my date…: Talks about an ex, can’t make up her mind, or name drops.
If you could be someone else for just one day, who would it be and why? POTUS, just to know the context of being the leader of the free world.
What does being married mean to you? It means two people who consider themselves best friends, lovers and soulmates, decide to take on life together and build a life and family of their own.
*Ok, honey... you go take your booty over to America's Next Top Model RIGHT NOW and learn how to pose for a camera better. It's all about the smize, honey... or maybe Zoolander has some tips?? Cuz your grimace/smirk thing has me queasy. #WorkItSupermodel*
Age: 33
Occupation: Electrical Engineer
What are your three best attributes? Passionate, intuitive, athletic
If you could be someone else for just one day, who would it be and why? I would be the woman I want to marry so I could find out what’s in her head. Plus, I’m pretty sure I could only last a day being inside a woman’s head. :)
What is your favorite magazine? Ducks Unlimited.
What is the most romantic present you have ever received and why? I don’t think I’ve ever received a romantic present -- and I’m not sure why.
How would you describe yourself as a lover? Eager to please.
What’s your favorite flower? The red roses I’ll receive from the Bachelorette!
*Ok whoa there, slow down Eager Beaver... you think you'll be getting #AllDaRoses from Miss JoJo, do ya? Might I suggest a reality check? And then maybe a stint on Duck Dynasty where you can share your love of your favorite magazine and talk all things that go quack?*
Age: 26
Occupation: Software Salesman
What is the most outrageous thing you have ever done? Chased a mountain lion.
What foods do you most dislike? Scary cheeses
If you could do/have any job in the world, what would it be and why? Don Draper? James Bond? They kill it…
What is your greatest achievement to date? Eagle Scout
What are the top 3 things on your bucket list? Visit every national park, sail around the world, and run a ranch and tomato farm.
Do you plan on having kids someday? If yes, how many and why? Yes. As many as possible! I've always wanted to be a dad.
*1. What about cheese is scary? It's melty-ness? It's gooey-ness? It's glorious-ness? Me no understand.... 2. Were you absent that day in Eagle Scouts where they taught you NOT to play with lions? C'mon.. my 4-year-old knows that.... 3. You want as many kids as possible? Umm... I'd get clearance from your future wife first, buddy. Do you KNOW how kids wreck our bodies? You gonna be pushing those suckers out one after the other? Yeah. That's what I thought. Next.*
Age: 26
Occupation: Staffing Agency Manager
What’s your most embarrassing moment? My pants fell down in a football game.
Do you consider yourself a good cook? Oooooooh, yeah!
What’s your greatest achievement to date? Getting promoted at every job.
If you could live in any other time period, what would it be and why? Mesozoic Era, so I could see dinosaurs.
What’s the most embarrassing style you’ve rocked? Sk8er boi. I also went through a pretty ‘thuggish’ stage.
Describe your idea of the ultimate date: Doing something active, something where we have to communicate or explore something new. Scuba diving in Australia or Fiji has always been a dream of mine, then dinner on a beach.
*You could live in any time period and you choose the one where humans could get eaten? And there is no such thing as coffee? Or TV? Or toilet paper? Ummm.. in the words of Avril Lavigne, Mr. Sk8er Boi... "see ya later boi" #ThatsANo....and good job reaching for the stars on that dream date. One where you communicate? Y'know.. call me crazy but talking is usually encouraged on dates. I know, right? CRAZY CONCEPT.*
Age: 27
Occupation: Former Competitive Swimmer
Tattoos: NONE!
If you could have lunch with one person, who would it be and why? My grandfather on my mom’s side who I never had the chance to meet. My mom speaks so highly of him and tells me we are extremely similar in the men we grew to become.
Are you comfortable wearing swimwear in public? Yes, I have spent more of my life in a Speedo than in everyday clothes! #swimmerproblems
Do you like to dress up or do you prefer casual attire as a rule? I love more than anything to dress up!
Do you plan on having kids someday? If yes, how many and why? Yes!! And hopefully soon! 3 … 4 … 5 … whatever my future wife and I are comfortable with. But coming from a large family, there’s no chance we stop at two!
*HE HAS NO TATTOOS!! AND HE'S REALLY EXCITED ABOUT IT! GO ROBBY ON YOUR NO TATTOOS!!! WHAT AN ACCOMPLISHMENT!!! ALL CAPS!!! WHOOO!!!! I can't wait to see you prance around in that Speedo that most likely you will get encouraged to wear because #BacheloretteContestantProbs... may I suggest coming out of the limo in one??*
Age: 28
Occupation: Operations Manager
What are your three best attributes? Humor, dependability, truthful
What is the most outrageous thing you have ever done? I egged a gym teacher’s house when I was in high school.
If you were stranded on a desert island, what 3 things would you bring with you? And what, under any circumstance, could you not tolerate on that island? Cell phone, gun, portable air conditioner. No Kardashians on the island.
Do you have a serious fear of any kind of animal? Snakes.
What’s the most embarrassing style you’ve rocked? A bowl cut as a kid.
*Sal Sal, bo Bal... banana fana fo Fal... me my mo Mal.... Sa-al!!! Sorry, I got nothing... your bio is a bit boring, but your name's fun, eh??? #NameGame*
Age: 28
Occupation: Barber
Tattoos: None, my mom would kill me.
What’s the most embarrassing style you’ve rocked? Oh, man! I bleached my tips once. I looked like Timberlake — boy-band style.
Do you consider yourself a good cook? Yes, I like to cook Italian food.
What’s the most outrageous thing you have ever done? At 16, I flew to Mexico to surprise my boys on spring break.
If you could have one superpower, what would it be and why? Healing ability, because you can heal yourself and others forever.
Meatloaf said he would “do anything for love, but he won’t do that.” What will you not do? Use turkey meat.
*C'mere Vinny.. little pep for ya. You are 28 years old. You don't need your Mom's approval to get a tattoo. You go get that ink! You are a rebel! You flew to Mexico as a minor to party with your "boys" (aka, underage girls)! You are a renegade! You rocked the Timberlake Top Ramen hair 'do. The rules don't apply to Vinny!!! Plus if Mommy gives you a time-out after, you can just use your healing powers to take them off. #EasyPeasy*
Age: 31
Occupation: Radio DJ
What is the most outrageous thing you have ever done? A great white shark cage dive in South Africa.
Describe your idea of the ultimate date: Really good tacos, a great live band, a walk around the city, and wine and cheese on my front porch as Otis Redding plays on my turn table.
Meatloaf said he would “do anything for love, but he won’t do that.” What will you not do? Get a cat.
What is the best trip you have ever been on and why? Safari in Africa. Why? Cuz it was a safari in AFRICA!
What foods do you most dislike? I don’t love pizza. I know that’s weird, but it’s true.
*Ahem. Wells. (btw, is that seriously your name??) We need to have a talk about your lack of pieces of flair on your jean jacket there. People can watch any reality show... but they watch The Bachelorette for the atmosphere and attitude. Ok? That's what the flair is about. It's about fun. You want to express yourself, don't you? #NameThatMovie*
Age: 26
Occupation: Civil Engineer
Height: 6’2 ½”
What are your three best attributes? Ambitious, sincere, adventurous
What are your three worst attributes? Competitive, argumentative, stubborn. I’m working on these!
Do you like to go out dancing? If yes, what is your preferred type of dancing? Yes, my go to move is called “Bernie-ing.” It is loosely based on the 80’s classic “Weekend at Bernie’s.”
I love it when my date…: Is able to make fun of herself.
If you could be someone else for just one day, who would it be and why? Probably John Mayer because I want to melt faces with a guitar solo, then melt hearts with some sappy lyrics.
*You had to throw that 1/2 inch in there huh? You know.. I'm technically 5'93/4 (that's right.. three-quarters.. like Platform 93/4, which you could go ask Grant about if that confuses you because he LOVES him some Harry Potter talk) but I'm like a normal person and just round up and say I'm 5'10". #BeNormal*
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Well, there they are!
The #Squad of bros that will be trying to win over our Little Miss JoJo!
Who's your favorite so far??
