The Bachelorette Ep.2- Bad Boy, Bad Boy, Watcha Gonna Do??

Whatca gonna do when they come for you??

#Cops

And they are coming for you, Miss JoJo! (well, namely Chad....)

Our Pissing Contest (otherwise known as the dating show The Bachelorette) continued this week with the male species circling, growling and beating their chests in displays of dominance, trying to win mating rights with the coveted female alpha... 

Oh, whoops. I was watching Animal Planet by mistake. LOL. Silly me. Let me change the channel... 

Oh here we are! That's better. 

The Chad Show.. that's what we all witnessed on Monday, right???

Let's begin our recap, shall we?

JoJo is again forlornly looking out upon the horizon (seriously, SOMEONE help these skinny beautiful people find love, I can't stand the tragedy of it all!) yet is feeling hopeful about what is to come...

#Truth

What, you didn't know that? Yeah, so former Bachelor Jason Mesnick and his wife Molly used to do a Podcast and I may or may not have binged all 90-some episodes of it.. they gave GREAT behind the scenes dirt on the show.. like how the neighboring mansion was often used for more... um... adult type movie making. 

Anywho.... 

The guys are all hyped up! 

Cuz JoJo!

Hurrah!!!

It makes them want to day drink and the thought of her even makes Chad get all sentimental with his beautiful toast of "Beautiful girl, beautiful life, f*** you all, I'll make her my wife" which was just a Hallmark moment if I ever did see one. 

#WhenYouCareEnoughToSendTheVeryBest

Our dashing Chris Harrison appeared to earn his six figure paycheck before jetting off for a round of golf to help 'splain to all the Bros how this whole thing is gonna work.

#Education

Chris left a date card for the first group date and after the lucky ones got announced.... the guys heard a loud explosion!!!

My stars!!!! What in heavens to Betsy could that be? They all rush out-of-doors to discover the limo JoJo was supposedly pulling up in.... was on fire!!!

LOL. 

Silly men, firefighting is for girls!!! A firetruck screeches up the driveway and our Miss JoJo springs out, ready to save the day and put ED specialists like Evan out of business!!!

#SuddenlyEveryManIsOnFire

JoJo takes over, works that hose like a BOSS and basically leaves every guy in the Herd in a perpetual state of heat. Pun intended.

Gotta love a good old "that's what she said" joke, right??? 

*disclaimer- lemme stop right here. Grandma, Mom.. I'm sorry. Every season there is some "theme" surrounding the lead. Ben was The Perfect Ben, Chris was Prince Farming... well... JoJo's theme seems to be Wet Dream in that they are trying their darndest to make her every man's fantasy at every chance they can get. I can't help the sexual jokes*

#HateTheGameNotThePlayer

Case in point, as claimed by our Dearest Daniel, (cousin of Edward Cullen) who is just DYING to be hosed down by JoJo.

#VampiresHateSun

So the Lucky Herd and JoJo take off for their date, and we are left at the mansion (aka Herd Manor).... with nothing but Alpha Chad, his suitcase of protein powder, and some circling, sniffing Beta Males to amuse us....

#TripleDogDare

Chad is working out, cuz Chad used to sell cars and Chad knows that you always save your best car for the last... you can't just SHOW the customer the goods right off, ya know? 

Yes, Chad will be referred to in third person. How could I not??

James S lets us know that Chad was a gift from above. Or something was a gift from above.

#Plop

JoJo and the Lucky Herd discover their group date is a day at the Fire Academy! There's equipment, fires everywhere, cadets... the guys are pretty intimidated. Especially poor Wells who weights in at a Buck-25.

#IHeartWells

Seriously, he is by FAR my favorite! Sweet, genuine, self-deprecating... anyone who knows me, knows I love me some self-deprecation!!! Poor Wells is a tid bit worried he won't stack up to the other beefier males in the Herd, though.

The guys have to compete to see who can protect JoJo! Because as a grown-ass woman in a first world country, she's CLEARLY in need of help. Oh JoJo. LOL. You crazy damsel in distress, you.

#ClutchThePearls

The guys have to pull hoses... which is Real Firefighter Grant's JAM....

And we have yet another sexual innuendo!! What a surprise. I was sooooo shocked and scandalized when Dirty Daniel lets us all know that he "pulls hose" at home quite a bit....

I mean, WHAT ELSE could he possibly mean other than he gardens a lot???? Maybe he throws charity car washes for underprivileged young vampires on the weekends???

#ThatsALotOfHose

The guys are put through a relay race of pulling hoses (snicker), breaking open doors with axes and doing other manly firefighter things when the Chief (or producer in costume) notices that Wells is looking a bit white...

#BrazilianGlow

It's hot, and that gear weighs like a billion pounds so poor Buck-25 needs to take a break, which of course in Bachelor Land means "win sympathy with the lead and get an extra 15 mins talking to them" since of course JoJo goes over to see how he's faring....

#HowVeryThoughtful

We pan back to the Unlucky Herd left at the mansion and James Taylor is leading them all in a sing-a-long!

#CampBachelor

Oh, what memories I have of singing jaunty songs on the bus on the way to volleyball tournaments... oh these boys are so lucky, to be living the life of a 12 year old girl with braces again....

Chad though, is not having it. Chad isn't in to singing. Chad doesn't feel jaunty. Chad thinks this is all dumb and very high-schoolish....

#Don'tStopBelievin'

Back at the date, the Chief narrowed the guys down to three finalists to go through a rigorous Disney-prince-like final challenge to rescue yon maiden from yon tower....

#ShakeItDryJoJo

Luke, Real Firefight Grant (really, are we that surprised???) and Buck-125 Wells are the final three guys to compete for their prize of 15 extra minutes with JoJo!

The test was hard. It really took everything these guys had... the challenges were insurmountable...

#ThinkThinkThink

Real Firefighter Grant won the challenge and left a moody, brooding Luke in his wake... this episode established Luke as "the one who doesn't like other guys sniffing around his JoJo" so when he lost he was FRUSTRATED... 

And what does Luke do when he's frustrated?? (or happy, or melancholy, or pensive, or calm...)

He poses against walls.

#MrOctober2016

We go on to the night portion of the date and Grant (being the winner winner) got to talk to JoJo first... he told her all kinds of not true things like he would never leave the house without waking her to tell her he loves her....

Since his job is dangerous, he just never knows when he'll come home... well, sadly for his ex-girlfriend he was with for over 4 years, he ain't never coming home...now that he found Bachelor insta-fame...

#Ouch

What, you didn't know that??? 'Tis true, guys. I KNOW things. Grant may or may not have been THIS CLOSE to proposing to his long-term girlfriend when he met a producer of the show and then... my word!!! What is this???? He is suddenly on show???

That, my friends... is the path to true love if I ever did see.

Back at Herd Manor... I mean, the Mansion... a date card arrives!!! But on it's own. Magically. Like it floated through the air... much to James S's relief.

#ChrisIsSoDreamy

Back at the date, Wells gets his moment with JoJo... and all jokes aside... I LOVE WELLS. Any man who can make you laugh until you are crying is a good man. He recounted his amazing disaster of a day and got JoJo to ruin her perfect eye makeup....

But seriously.... #TeamWells

Luke is not happy he is being made to wait. Luke got all gussied up for this very moment, to be with JoJo dammit...  and he's feeling a connection. 

With what, remains to be seen....

Nealism: dude, you look like you got sucked on by an elephant.

#TheClownWasTraumatized

Luke FINALLY got some time with JoJo... my gawd, what does a man have to do to get some time??? How much hair gel needs to be sacrificed to just get a kiss??? 

 Luke opens up about his past military life (in all seriousness, THANK YOU for your service Luke!) and how he has a hard time being vulnerable, but now thanks to this journey, the feelings are rushing back in.

#SmellsLikePossibleNextBachelorBackstory

Wells gets the group date rose that night (like duh... the man almost died) and hep! hep! Onward we march to the next day and the first 1-on-1 date....

with... Jim?

LOL Jim.What are you doing here still? Doesn't The Office miss you?? Did you get a leave of absence??

Either way, Jim Derek is all kinds of excited about the date and feels giddy like a schoolboy!

#GonnaBeAGoodDay

JoJo comes to pick him up and tells him their date... is for them to decide! Their first choice as they leave Herd Manor is "Sea" or "Sky".... and they choose "Sky"... so off they drive in a majestic manner to their adventure!

ABC peeps. Listen. They are called hair ties. Buy some, throw 'em around.. this was a huge issue last season, remember? I discussed it in length. 

DID YOU NOT LISTEN TO ME????

Once our pair of lovebirds arrived at their private jet, they got to pick "North" or "South" and my inner nerd cried "no!!! This is not the Civil War! We don't have to be the Rebels and Yanks anymore!!! Peace!!" then realized I'm a dork and settled down. 

Anywho, they picked North and ended up at the Golden Gate Bridge for a romantic (albeit- short) picnic....

Well, apparently things worked out because 30 minutes later, Jim Derek is home for lasagna and snuggles....

via GIPHY

#PamAlwaysGetsHerMan

JoJo had a GREAT time on the date and even cracked a funny joke about whether or not she would kiss him!!! LOL choices!!!! She chooses to smooch, because she could NOT think of a better man to be spending her day with. 

#ThinkRealHard

Flashback to Herd Manor and the guys are all Glee-clubbing it up again, because Regionals are coming up REAL soon and they are a bit rusty...

#DoWap

While the club is be-bopping.... new Power Couple Deadly Daniel and Alpha Chad are dishing dirt on their competition and have plans to make protein shakes out of all the other guys....

See, according to Chad....the problem is, all those guys are all nice guys. And nice guys are the bad guys, 'cuz this is opposite day or something like that. And black wife beater twinning day... either way, these two like, GET each other..... 

#BadBoysBadBoysWhatchaGonnaDo

Nealism- those two are special.

Another date card arrives, announcing the next Herd group date... and Chase is among one of three guys who got left out this week. 

#AllTheSads

Back on the 1-on-1 date, we all yawn as sweet but slightly boring Jim Derek tells JoJo about his past relationship...how he opened up, talked marriage and got heartbroken because a third person was involved that stole his woman.... 

That Dwight.. he's a cunning one.. he's a master of Unicorns, from what I hear.. able to capture them and keep them for his own... our little Unicorn JoJo better watch out!

via GIPHY

JoJo was totes impressed by Jim Derek's sob story so she was a good little Bachelorette and followed the Guide Book, giving him a rose and patting him and telling him that national TV is the perfect way to heal a broken heart and learn to love again.

#UntilSheDumpsYouInFrontOfMillions

On to the next day and the second Herd group date! The guys arrive at the ESPN building (aka- Heaven) and begin to worship the sportiness of it all.... well, except for Jordan. Who has a famous brother. Who totes plays football.. he's like, "been there, done that, suckers..."

#NotImpressed

Is it weird that Sportscenter is on this very minute as I type this??? This is the life I lead guys... just me and my computer against the world of boys that dominates my house... 

Anyways..

The guys walk in to JoJo playing "news anchor" and acting like she memorized her lines real good with the hosts of Sportsnation, Marcellus and Max....

#YeahSportsDoTheThings

The guys, like can't handle the hotness of a girl who LIKES sports (hint- she's lying) and jostle for position in their attempts to win their "prize"

Feminism is dead, guys.

Anyways..there were three challenges...touchdown dance, baseball bat spin and then run to her and propose with a fake ring, then sit on a panel and be questioned.

As the games begin, Jordan couldn't for the life of him, figure out why his touchdown dance slide move didn't work as planned....

Ahem. 

Mr. Gosling, can you provide some insight?

via

#AllHailGosling

Try real pants, next time Jordan!

JoJo is having so much fun watching the Pissing Contest surrounding her, until it was Alpha Chad's turn and he turned all caveman on her...

Then decided it was a good idea for his fake propose to say simply "wanna marry me?" and get all mad when JoJo asked him (jokingly) to explain why he wanted to marry her and then reply with "if I loved you, you'd know why, aren't you a bit naggy??" 

Ah HELL NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

#ByeChad

The panel questioning didn't go much better, since they forgot to adjust the mic's height between guys and Alex felt the need to start defending himself against the taller more aggressive (ie-Chad) men....

In all seriousness, I love Alex too. Super cute and sweet and I kinda hate that he got caught up in all the drama of this episode...

But, that's the name of love, isn't it? Drama. Yep. Yep, it is.

Chad's turn to be questioned and his answer to why he wants to get married was SPOT ON. He's just READY.

#RusticChic

Thus begins the true tussle between Alpha Chad and Everybody Else. 

The Herd claims Chad wasn't taking this seriously, while Chad claims the Herd was being stupid for acting like they were in love with a girl they knew nothing about. Chad wasn't gonna play those games. Chad is honest. Chad says it like it is. Chad has seen tons of pretty woman in his life, so why should he be all twitterpated over JoJo?

#SeeYaPeasants

The hosts declare the winner of the day- James Taylor- and we go into the night portion of the date... with James getting to talk to JoJo first. He tells her he smiles a lot because a smile is the one thing on the outside of you that comes from the inside of you... but methinks she could come up with another example...

#BeansBeansTheMagicalFruit

James whips out a poem about how JoJo is out of his league, and he can't believe he's here in this magical experience and JoJo actually starts crying! 

What does one do, when yon fair maiden sheds a tear???

Nealism- I'm gonna kiss you and dry your tears with my nose....

#TheyMakeKleenexForAReasonYaKnow

Meanwhile Chad is just bad-mouthing all the other guys... he thinks they are all just KIDS and JoJo needs a MAN... I have no idea where he got the idea that all the other guys were just kids though....

#TimeForPawPatrol

JoJo is intrigued by Chad...she thinks he is mysterious and is impressed he held his ground... but thinks all that Alpha-Maleness could be him overcompensating for something...

Well woulda look at that???? 

#NailedIt

Chad is actually starting to feel feelings for JoJo and gets her to make a wish in a wishing well with him, then make out a little... while the Herd (namely- Alex) just get more and more agitated at Chad and his manliness....

They have had it UP TO HERE with him....

However, Chad is shot down as JoJo gives Tear-Wiper James Taylor the group rose for the night!! Chad is left being confused as to why he didn't get that rose...

#KnowWhenToShowEm

The next night is the cocktail Rose Ceremony and as JoJo pulls up to Herd Manor... guess who is waiting for her????? Chad!!!!

#BadaBingIsHangingAround

Chad and JoJo walk into Herd Manor together and all the other males get flustered at this new development. 

What was Chad doing outside?

How did he get there?

What did he do?

Why is he here?

Is he just on the show for the free food??

#ProteinBinge

The rest of the night turns into The Chad Show with guest star Alex, as they continue to poke and pounce on each other, peeing in different spots around the Manor to claim their territory and all that... all while Chad stuffs his face with 145lbs of cold cuts and meatballs. 

Alex does NOT like Chad and Chad thinks Alex is just being sensitive. He totes LOL'd to his Bro, Deathly Daniel, about the dirty look Alex gave him earlier...

#SorryAlex

The jokes just tell themselves, I swear...

All the other guys comment on how much Chad is eating as well, as the Protein Binge continues with chicken wings and cold cuts.... 

#PassTheTums

Chad thinks it's funny that the other guys are talking about him because the other guys are IMMATURE and turning this whole thing into a party, while he is taking this seriously.

I don't know where Chad got that idea, as the other guys are trying to "impress" JoJo with tee-peeing antics and throwing back vodka shots like they in da club.

And the award for Most Likely To NOT Win The Bachelorette's Heart goes to...

#ExactlyWhatAWomanWantsToDoInAnEveningGown

Chad steals JoJo away from the other guys no less than 27 times and wants her to know he keeps thinking about her, while JoJo wants him to know he needs to do something about all the "different sides of him..."

The Herd has HAD ENOUGH and decide to to confront Chad about... well, being Chad. I think this is just his natural mating ritual... who are we to get in the way of nature???

Chad finds this confrontation amusing and wonders what this group of boys thought they were going to accomplish... he gleefully describes them as surrounding him in a finger-snapping West Side Story kinda way  and I think Chad missed his calling as a Broadway choreographer...

#JazzHands

Evan is really upset that Chad interrupted his long-awaited time with JoJo and had #AllTheRegrets for not standing up to Chad and just saying no....

#SprinklesAreForWinners
#SorryEvan

Things heat up between Chad and Alex again as Alex confronts Chad AGAIN and tells him he is probably creeping JoJo out, by stealing her away from every guy she tries to talk to. Alex tells him to just chill and go away and drink a beer, which did NOT sit well with Chad...

#AliWantsToRun

It is ON guys... Alex vs Chad.... just when the claws are out, and the males are circling and snarling.... 

Queen JoJo comes to simmer everyone down and announce it was time for the Rose Ceremony! 

But, after she finds something to eat in the house...

#ThisMightBeAwhile

Hmmm... wonder what happened to all the food???

Alex is so sure JoJo knows how much of an ass Chad is, and that she won't give him a rose... because roses are for the GOOD bachelors. The BEST bachelors in the country... bachelors like him, and if Chad gets a rose too, it's just going to RUIN what that rose means...

#ItMeansTheProducersWantHimToStay

because surprise!!!! The final rose of the night goes to Matthew McConaughey Chad, who is quite pleased...

Chad's not gonna write JoJo poetry or any of that sappy sh**... he's gonna just keep drinking protein shakes, working out, and being Chad.

#YouDoYouBro

So WHAT is JoJo gonna do??? The bad boy is coming for her!!!!

Might I suggest pepper spray??

Until next week, Bachelorette Fans!!!!!