The One About the F**K It Bucket

Some of you might have seen the picture I posted Instagram over the weekend. 

The one that made me nervous-sweat. 

Yep, that's me in a bikini. 

There ya have it... Mom Body in all it's glory. 

Why did I post this?

Definitely not to fish for compliments.. honestly. That's not what I was after. 

Nope... I got fed up, so I decided to do something a little bold. 

There I was, dreading the upcoming summer because I have a baby who's almost two years old, and I still have 15lbs of "baby weight" left over from carrying him. I am actually going on two vacations (yes!!!!! actually vacations!) this summer that will require me to wear a bathing suit IN FRONT OF PEOPLE.

The last several months I've tried dieting. a month of no alcohol, a month of being a vegetarian. I cut out extra sugar. I cut down on carbs. I went through meal after meal of nothing but protein and veggies, or sometimes... just veggies... 

...and I didn't lose a gosh-darn-ever-loving-pound. Not a one. 

I have spent the last 22 months, ever since Owen was born, being sad about my body. Crying over it, sometimes. Raging on about it to my bewildered husband. Complaining to my friends. Moping around. Staring at myself in the mirror, practicing sucking in my tummy, standing different ways in order to look thinner. Deleting pictures of me because "I looked fat." 

I was obsessing and it was taking over my life and my sanity. Every time I stood up my hand flew to my stomach, touching it to make sure I was sucking it in as I walked around. I pinched and pinched and pinched again the chub around my tummy throughout the day. Gauging it, measuring it, fantasizing about just f**king cutting it off or something. 

I was unhappy, and have been unhappy for almost two years, convinced it was the fault of those stupid 15lbs. 

As cliche as it sounds, something just snapped in me a few days ago. 

I stumbled across Ashli's blog Baby on the Brehm, read up on her journey of surviving cancer and I sobbed. Her story really touched me and inspired me to seize life and be thankful.

Her battle struck close to home because Neal lost his Mom to cancer when he was 13. Even though I've obviously never met his Mom, her picture is up in our house and I think about my angel Mother-in-Law EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. 

Neal's Mom was 36 when she lost her battle guys, THIRTY. SIX. 

I'm 35. I doesn't take a math genius to see those two ages are very close together.

Suddenly... I GOT PISSED. 

Pissed at myself. Pissed at my own pettiness, at my own pity party of "oh woe is me and my jiggly tummy. My big thighs. Wah wah wah. Poor me. Life is so terrible because I'm not SKINNY."

NO. JUST F**KING NO. 

I'ms sorry but what right do I have to be upset? My body made two beautiful babies. My body can run and jump and turn cartwheels still. My body can pick up my boys, spin them around, chase them and comfort them. My body is healthy and I have completely taken that for granted. 

What a stupid, overindulgent SELFISH person I have been. There are real problems in the world, people who are fighting real battles, and here I was... feeling defeated and depressed because I'm not "skinny" anymore.

Instead of living life, loving life.. I'm been moping around because I had to buy shorts in a bigger size this year. 

Excuse you Jessica, but what the f**k is wrong with you???? 

It has to stop. I have to stop. I refuse to spend another second focused on what my body isn't instead of what it is. Life is too short. Our babies grow up in a split-second. Who knows if we will even see tomorrow? We don't know, so we HAVE to enjoy every day we are given.

The body shaming I was doing to myself had to stop. I wish I could tell society to just stop as well, but unfortunately I don't have that power. We'll still be inundated with articles about how quickly some celebrity lost her baby weight, or how awesome they look in a tiny bikini just seven weeks post-pregnancy. The sick obsession with how thin women are will probably never stop.

That's fine.... because I'M GOING TO STOP. I'm going to be thankful to see each new day. Thankful for the big strong legs I got from my German ancestors that let me run after my boys. Thankful for the round tummy that grew and protected two little lives. Thankful for the flatter boobs that fed them.

So I posted that picture to just get over myself. To put myself out there and say "this is me! Yep. I'm bigger than I was. I jiggle more than I used to.. but I DON'T CARE ANYMORE." 

There are more important things in life and I plan on focusing on those, instead of what size the label in my shorts say.

Try it guys... take those insecurities, chuck 'em in the F**k It Bucket and move on and live your life! 

It feels AWESOME.

  

10 Parenting Things I Refuse to Feel Guilty About (Anymore)

Let's all talk about the elephant in the room, shall we?

Mom Guilt. 

I think this is the very first emotion most women have from the time they realize they are going to be mothers.. you get that positive pregnancy test... and BOOM. Guilt hits. 

"Oh no, I had 3 glasses of wine last weekend!! I'm so awful!!!" 

Guilt can slowly eat away at you day after day as you journey through Motherhood... thanks to that frenemy, Social Media, there is always something about parenting that we feel like we aren't doing well enough, or often enough, or we're doing too often, or doing wrong. 

I am no stranger to Mom Guilt, but now that I'm 2 kids deep and out of the baby phase (making me a seasoned mothering veteran.. right??), I have started to realize  that I have no reason to feel guilty over some of the things I used to feel guilty about. 

No shame in my game anymore!

Glo Photography

Using Formula

Catchfly Photo

Long story short- Austin wasn't a good nurser and I had a very low milk supply. He was about 75% formula fed through his infancy.. and you should have heard the evil things I said to myself about this. I can't repeat them. I cried, I screamed, I locked myself in the bathroom to mope about how I wasn't an exclusively breastfeeding mother and it KILLED me. You know what though? I FED MY BABY. My baby had a full tummy, and now he is 4 and he's strong, he's super healthy, he's tall, he's smart, he's articulate and he is no different in any way from babies who got all breast milk. 

Not Entertaining Them Every Second

My kids are in full time daycare. They are stimulated, talked to, and around people for 8 hours a day. They need downtime too. And time to use their imaginations. And they need to learn that Mommy and Daddy have important things to do sometimes too, and that they need to respect the needs of others. Sometimes I will even turn down Austin's request to be played with and encourage him to find something on his own. That sense of independence, realization that you don't need someone else to fulfill you and keep you happy, and that other people have things they need/want to do as well, are in my book, all important life lessons.

Taking a Real Day Off

Daycare is expensive.. and we don't get money back if my kids miss a day. So if I'm sick, or taking a personal day... you betcha that I take my kids into daycare. Mental health is SO IMPORTANT, especially for Moms. I used to feel really guilty about having a day to myself and sending my kids into daycare. All other Moms want to be around their kids every second.. what was wrong with me? Nothing, that's what. My kids LOVE daycare, they get excited to be there, and I get a day here and there to clean the house, or get over being sick and in the end, everyone is happy.

Feeding Them Kid Food

I used to beat myself up over what Austin was and wasn't eating. I tried to force him to eat what we were eating, I tried all the hiding veggies in food tricks, and still stressed like crazy. Maybe it was having a second baby that finally changed me.. I just didn't have time to stress, or create elaborate veggie-filled toddler foods. Sometimes life is busy so chicken nuggets or mac-n-cheese it is. At least they are eating, and so what if your 18 month old isn't eating your adult dinner of lamp chops or curry? Some kid food now and then isn't going to do any harm.

TV Time

Yep. My kids watch TV. Judge me if you want. Remember that downtime I talked about? That importance of "no, Mommy is not your personal slave who is going to entertain you every second of your waking moments" statement I made above? That's where TV comes in. A Mom's gotta get dinner on the table... or some chore done, or make an important phone call. Don't you remember being a kid and those delicious moments of watching cartoons and being mesmerized by the magic of it all? It was awesome...we all watched TV and turned out just fine... and so will our kids. Let them watch some cartoons. 

Mean Mommy Voice

So there is this "thing" lately about Gentle Parenting. Don't tell your kids "no".. instead, redirect them. Don't raise your voice, instead explain your reasoning and emotions. Can I get an eyeroll up in here??? Sometimes... your kid does something really bad.. like purposefully pushing your 5lb dog off the back of the couch and causing him to land hard on the wood floor and yelp in pain... and you have to make sure that kid KNOWS that is not ok. No one wants to yell at their kid, but you bet your booty my Mean Mom voice comes out and my kids see me as the authority figure Moms need to be. Trust me, you are doing your kid a favor by making them respect that authority. Just hug it out afterwards.

Sleep Training

I'm not trying to be controversial... every family is different, and you have to do what works for you regarding sleep. Since we have two full time working parents in our house, we knew sleep training was going to be our route. Our kids needed to learn how to sleep on their own, so the whole family could get the rest they needed. We spent plenty of time cuddling and holding our babies for naps, but at bedtime.. in their crib they went and we made that a priority... no matter how much it sucked at the time. Plus, I need a lot of room to stretch out at night! 

Working

I always knew I'd be a working Mom. I like having that thing that is "for me" and having a reason to get out the door everyday. I actually earn more than my husband, so my salary is very important to our family in those regards as well. Does it suck sometimes, not being around my kids? ABSOLUTELY. There are days I have cried. There are days I wished my situation was different... but overall, I love working... it provides my family with things we need, puts food on the table, shows my boys that girls can have careers too, and gives me adult time everyday... which keeps my mind happy.

Bribing

Sometimes parenting is just about survival. You gotta do what you gotta do to survive the day or the phase that your kid is in. So, we bribe. We give Austin small treats and rewards for good behavior at daycare, kindness shown to his little brother, staying in his bed all night and not wandering the house like a lost soul... over time the bribes have faded away and now he just does what he is supposed to do (for the most part). We will use the same tactics with Owen too. Who doesn't love to get promised a hot cocoa if they stay in their bed all night??

Taking Kid Free Weekends/Vacations

Neal and I are lucky enough to have both sets of grandparents close by enough to warrant some quality marriage time. We've been to San Diego, the Oregon coast, and Las Vegas sans kids and I gotta tell ya... it's awesome. Marriage comes first for us, and sometimes you get caught up in the drudgery of everyday and responsibilities and child-rearing and you forget about this love story the two of you have. I LOVED staying at my grandparent's growing up... slumber parties there were totally my jam... so I'm so happy that my kids will have those same experiences with their grandparents. It's totally ok to want to escape with your partner and be excited about it! 

So time to vent Mommas!

Anything you are just so over feeling guilty about???