The Bachelorette Ep.1- The Year of the Bro

Hear ye, hear ye.... 

All hail The Queen of Monday Night... the Most Supreme Single Lady.... the One Who Reigns Over the Roses.....

JoJo!!!!!

#InsertArsenioHallBark

#Whoo

And we're back in action!!! Ok, this is how much I love you guys, you Bachelorette fans, you... the premiere didn't start until 9pm here in Oregon. 

Nine. Pee. Emm.

Like the time I'm already in bed. I stayed up till almost midnight for y'all... so I hope you laugh! Let's get started. 

The show began with a little flashback of JoJo's time on Ben's season (find my recaps HERE) and you know the song and dance.. 

...girl meets boy in funky unicorn mask, boy kisses girl a lot, girl lets boy into wine-guzzling family, boy goes "yeah, so about that love thing.. kinda sorta don't love you as much.. so bye. K thnx" 

#HappensEverytime

So JoJo was heartbroken, but got a show-appointed trainer, lost a few lbs, got her hair all did up good, and is now READY for ANYTHING that comes her way.

#CeptThat

#ChestWithDaFurrrrrr

Anyways, we see JoJo on a beach, forlornly looking better than any of us ever hope to look in a bikini, and guys... it's SO HARD to be so beautiful and single. I mean, some charity needs to be set up to help these poor people... their only option is to go on this show and pretend to play in the ocean in order to find love.

#LoveIsSacrifice

So to get ready to meet her legion of men, JoJo turn to the Former Queens... all happily paired up and bumped up and full of support!!!

Ok, in Des's defense, she ended up choosing the RIGHT one in the end... (fun fact, I basically know her. Neal is friends and plays baseball with Des's chosen one, Chris's Dad. Yes, Chris's Dad plays baseball. He's a pretty good pitcher! That's like 2 degrees of separation people #RubbingElbows)

JoJo gets some good advice (go with her heart. Hm....how innovative and new. That has never been done before!) and gets all gussied up, slaps the girls into pert attention and greets the limos!!

#Damn

Before the clown cars start spilling out silly suitors (LOL, take that Dr. Seuss) we have to watch the intro videos of a few of these men! 

I mean guys. 

I mean Bros. 

Yeah, Bros. These are BROS if I've ever seen them. I therefore dub this season.. the Year of the Bro.

First up, Grant!

Grant is a firefighter who likes to help people. 

#GrantMeetInstagram

Next up Jordan!

Jordan is a famous little brother... always living in the shadow of Big Brother Famous Pants. I mean, it's so bad his parents don't even let him inside when it's raining. They are like "no, you go out there and you DEAL with that rain, you second son!"

(I decided to add in the snippets my hubby says while we watch. They will be called Nealisms. Enjoy.)

Nealism: "Take a picture of this. Skanky ass overgrown chintzy little muddy field, wearing skinny jeans and Chucks and going to go throw a football around? #TotesNorm"

Just five more minutes and maybe his parents will let him in from the rain.

Next up... Alex!

Alex is a Marine. He had no direction in life, no relationship with his parents and was just lost.

And he's SO ready to fall in love because it's been a little while since he's had a "real" girlfriend.

#OpenToInterpretation

Then we meet James. One of the James. I don't know which one... Larry, Moe or Curly. One of those. 

He's a Bachelor SUPERfan and has a super cool watch party every Monday! Lemme tell ya... we are all just begging for an invite....

#PawPatrolPawPatrol

#WheneverThereIsTrouble

Next up....it's a bird. It's a plane. No... it's VIAGRA MAN!!!!! Swooping in to save men in need with just a little... um... it rhymes with "brick" and starts with a "p"....

You figure that out.

#GonnaFeelAPinch

Next we meet Christian. Who is insane and wakes up at 3:30am and immediately is out of the competition because......no. Just no. 3:30am never needs to be seen.

Then we meet Luke! Or Mr. Captain America!!!! This guy is all small town, war-veteran, cow-raising, hash-tagging blue steel.

#Smize

Now that we've met a few of the Bros... its time to break in that gloriously wet driveway with the limo entrances! 

Guess who is out first??? Yep. You guys do know that the first and last person out of the limos are always important to the season, right? Right.

Jordan just goes on charming Miss JoJo, and hypnotizing her with with expertly coiffed hair do... earning him a nickname:

Nealism: "hey there Captain Swoopy-Hair"

#ILoveMyHubby

After Captain Swoopy-Hair heads off to the mansion and leaves JoJo a bit flustered... more men arrive! 

Like... Jim? Jim Halpert? DOES PAM KNOW YOU ARE HERE?????

Wow, I mean... that's pretty brave of him to just quit his job at The Office and come on this show, with a new name and everything.  

#BestOfLuckJimmy

Then comes Robby... and is instantly everyone's spirit animal as he opens a bottle of wine, and takes a swig with JoJo... a la "Fletcher Family Style"

#ChugALug

Chad barges out of the limo and immediately makes my skin crawl. Ummm.. it's called holding her hand. Not taking a death grip of what you think is your property already. 

Back off, woulda?

#NotAlrightAlrightAlright

Then some distant cousin of Edward Cullen appeared... all the way from the Northern wilds of Canada! And he owned it like it's his JOB.. since that's what was listed as his "job"... being Canadian. (Btw... hi Canada girls Shaunacey and Abbie!!! Hope you're reading!!)

Daniel comes upon JoJo quite stiffly (well, vampires are a bit cold, I hear) and instantly wins her over...

#OneTequilaTwoTequilaThreeTequilaFloor

Then James Taylor comes out! No, not that one... THIS one. He's a SUPER awesome musician and sings JoJo a little ditty...  I mean, a musician. Coming on a national TV show. And singing. Now THAT is someone looking for love.

#OrARecordingContract

Jon shows up in a kilt because he's half Scottish... and becomes the talk of the party as he tries to sit lady-like the rest of the night and not spread 'em too far...

Nealism: "now that's a cocktail"

Me: "OMG! That is like a hundred times better than what I was going to say about it!!"

James Taylor is keeping spirits alive on the bus out to camp with a little Sing-A-Long....

#TheOtherDayIMetABear

While the gems just kept appearing... 

I "mustache" you... how on earth am I going to recap this season? Yes. JoJo is hot. Yes her breasts are luscious. Apparently this is like some BIG DEAL because my word.... the amount of sexual innuendos just in this one episode!!! Guys, my GRANDMA reads my recaps. 

I can't just be making fun of all the blue balls and shaved facial hair lines these guys are flinging out. 

Sigh. 

#FirstWorldProbs

Well while the guys are all trying to impress JoJo so she'll choose them to be her boo... the guys inside are started to feel ALL THE NERVES.

#TheresABathroomOnTheRight

Except Chad. Chad is cool. And suave. And feels like he's in the middle of some catalog with all the hair gel and cologne swirling around him. 

(ok, just to fill you in on the above joke.. my dear husband loves to make fun of men's cologne commercials when they come on TV. The announcers always talk in thick French accents, so Neal will make a bunch of sounds in a bad French accent and pretends that's the cologne's name.) 

So look for Ju-Ja-Doo Wah-Ewww for Men coming to stores this Fall. 

#SmellsLikeBro

Maybe Evan could use a spritz or two of that stuff to help him up his Bro factor...

#ListenToYerMomma

Then... Wells comes in. With freaking All-4-One!!!!!

Like my adolescent school JAM group... who DIDN'T awkwardly sway around in a circle at a middle school dance to these guys???? Oh wait, me. Cuz no one ever asked me to dance. Cuz... #PermedBangs

Ok, now I'm sad.. moving on....

Then our last guy comes in... Mr. Captain America himself... upon a noble white steed... who kinda looks like he could use a "brick-with-a-p" from VIAGRA MAN!!!!!

#SorryForTheJokeGrandma

All the guys are a-flutter as they talk about how JoJo could possibly just be... the most GORGEOUS Bachelorette... like EVER.. and the Queen herself thinks.... well... 

#BowDownPeasants

Everyone does a group clinky toast to the general hotness of the room.

#PoorAlex

He steals JoJo away first... and guys, short guys need love too. Let's not forget. I've dated a few shorter guys before, and well... they are just the sweetest.

#AndRunLikeTheWind

The night marches on with those super meaningful conversations of "I'm so nervous. I'm excited, but nervous. You're so pretty..." and JoJo is just so into it all.

#GetInMahBelly

Captain Swoopy-Hair, I mean, Jordan... gets his time with JoJo and they just spark off each other like those electric eel thingies in The Little Mermaid. Except less creepy. 

Jordan is mad he didn't kiss JoJo cuz she was giving him all the hints....

#Pucker

So who did get that first kiss? This creepy guy who pulled out his old Fortune Teller from a 1992 sleepover and basically tricked JoJo into a really rigid not-awkward-at-all kiss.

But that's ok, because Captain Swoopy-Hair swooped JoJo away again and got that REAL kiss in!

She like, legit likes him... it has NOTHING to do with that Hollywood connection. Nada. Not a thing.

#CoughYeahRight

Edward Cullen's long-lost cousin Daniel is finding out real quick that vampires shouldn't drink a laundry list of booze... something about their blood being weird, or something... and proceeds to get sloppy drunk and poke other Bros' belly buttons.

Maybe he's trying to gauge who is the juiciest???

#LikesEmRare

Since he can't get any of the guys to play Twilight with him, the next best thing is to strip down... flex for the cameras and then jump into the pool in his skivvies.

So I had to throw that in there. Austin calls the pool a "pool-lip" for some reason, and Daniel's child-like glee was just so spot-on....

Daniels pool-lip antics change the mood of the party and everything gets a little more intense drunk.

At least Robby has a good shot, since the other guys are pretty much shooting themselves in the foot with those shots of tequila.

#MakesTheirClothesFallOff

JoJo tries to escape for an ITM (you know, those little one-on-one interviews.. I know, I'm so technical and in the know!!!) but the overly aggressive male species, when plowed with copious amounts of liquor will hunt down and circle around their female prey... sniffing and offering mating gifts of lemon water.

#BeatIt

Thankfully, Luke's gift was actually cool and meaningful to the Texas-bred beauty. After she Febreezed the hell outta them though... 

#Musty

The First Impression Rose was still up for grabs and you know what that means.. everyone was getting all twitchy, wondering who it would be. 

Well surprise surprise. None other than Captain Swoopy-Hair-Famous-Brother! The others at least congratulated their fellow Bro with some Bro love.

#MenAreWeird

Then it was time for the Rose Ceremony!!!!

Cue the nerves!!!!

#MaybeTheKiltWasABadIdea

And just when everyone was at the height of their nerves... another limo pulls up?!?!?!? What the what? And it's Jake Pavelka, the former Bachelor????

#LikeHeOwnsTheJoint

And this dude... um... whats his name.. man some of them look alike... is basically the spokesperson for all the guys' feelings. 

But it's all good.. Jake is just an old family friend who was there to give his little like-a-sister-but-I-kinda-want-to-make-out-with-you-pal JoJo a pep talk!!!

Thanks ABC, for that riveting 5 minutes of television. I'll never get that time back, you know.

A relieved JoJo gets back to her rose ceremony and sends the first round of guys home. Including Jon. 

Cue the sad bagpipes.

Better luck next time Bro. 

Well that's it for our first episode guys! Whew what a bunch of Bros, eh??? 

How is this gonna all turn out? Will love be found? How about Instagram fame? Maybe a TV hosting gig for JoJo and her girls? 

Oh what a journey it will be!!!!